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Spread those wings

Posted by crazymama_Lori Mar 25, 2016

It's funny how in the first month you avoid everything.  You don't go get gas.  You only go to stores that don't have the cigarettes staring at you.  You avoid any places where they have smoking, which is getting smaller and smaller.  You walk out of the room when there's any mention of smoking by anyone or anything, TV, radio.  You find yourself manically doing things around the house, work, whatever.  That first couple weeks you stare at the cigarette counter like a donut to a fat kid (can relate because I was a fat kid)


Then the sugar fix hits.  Of course now I realize that it's just my junkie looking for another way to get my pleasure fix.  I have sat here and literally ate an entire box of cookies in a day.  My doctor gave me an anology a while back that most smokers are pleasure junkies.  They trick themselves into believing that they enjoy smoking.  I've said it as I'm sure you did.  I ENJOY SMOKING.  I can't even imagine myself not smoking.  What would I do if I didn't smoke, couldn't imagine.  Heard the commercials, seen the ads, heard the speeches, Smoking is bad for you, blah, blah, blah.  When you're a smoker, that's all white noise, just a crackle in the telephone line.  I'll do it someday.


A close friend of mine called the other day and said, I'd come visit but you don't smoke anymore.  I was surprised by the comment.  I knew my drinking buddies would disappear.  That didn't bother me one bit.  I knew the alcohol had to go.  That was my biggest trigger on earth.  I'm that hippy biker grandma, party, party, party.  So that part of my life left the tracks quite a few months before I seriously gave this whole no smoking thing a try.  Back then it was just that.  So back to the point...... I told my friend that she can visit here any time she wanted, it's just that we don't smoke in the house anymore.  You can smoke in front of me.  Seriously, it doesn't bother me.  Took me 40 days to say it, but IT DOESN'T BOTHER ME.  Of course the first 30 days, I would have told her to stay away.  I remember my step daughter quitting a few years ago and she never wanted to come to visit because we all smoked.  I thought that was ridiculous... now I understand.


We alll remember our old significant others back in high school or in our early years.  When either he broke up with us or we them, we obsessed about them, close to stalking them, but that memory died out.  Sometimes it will come back with a whiff of a scent or a song on the radio and then we either smile or shake our head (depending on good or bad).  It's a memory.  If you stick with this, it too will be a memory.  When you're strong enough, spread those wings and get out there again.  Ride the waves, embrace the storm, bask in the sunlight.  Happy Easter to you and your precious familes, my friends ;-)


scrub a dub-dub

Posted by crazymama_Lori Mar 24, 2016

can't wait for this so-called spring to arrive so I can open these windows and paint my office.  Get rid of this gawd awful smoke smell in here.  I keep getting these whooshes of cigarette smoke every so often...... ack, scrub a dub-dub.  P.S. oh, did I mention it will be 2 months on Sunday, yipppeeee !!!!!

Yesterday  I was cleaning out underneath my sink and found about 4 cigarette butts.  Unconsciously, I picked them up and laid them on the cutting board like I was going to save them for later.  Didn't notice it until after I was done getting all the recycling from under there.  Seriously I don't have recycling laying all over my kitchen.  It is an enclosed area under the sink that we use for that and garbage....... anyhooo, after getting all the items to their correct bins, I looked over at those butts and thought what the......  Shook my head and threw them away.

That light of just one more, oh, a little hit won't hurt is dimming.  I'm now coming up to my 2-month mark on Sunday, Easter Sunday.  I reflect back on how it was when I first started this on December 31st only to fail on January 3rd. And struggled for the month of January until I figured out what would work for me and come to grips that I'm not doing this anymore.  I remember obsessing about smoking, smoking, smoking that first 30 days.  I know the feeling of people thinking oh, you should be over this already.  You haven't quit really, you're on the patch.

Well, I'm not on the patch anymore.  I'm 100 percent nicotine free.  Mr. Nicobod is kicked to the curb.  All of his pictures are torn up.  I'm not answering his calls anymore.  Be gone, I'm done with you...........


First Day of Spring

Posted by crazymama_Lori Mar 20, 2016

I'm just having all kinds of "Firsts" here lately.  I'm proud to announce that I'm officially off the patch.  Feeling good. The funky mood has passed.  Sleeping better.  53 days and counting.  BUT NML does still suck.  Why do people think you should be over it........ Why do people still think you're still "quitting" and haven't done it yet?  I've not smoked in 53 days.  I'm not going to smoke for another 1,000.  And, yes, that all fits right now.  I have one daughter that is constantly suggesting books, are you still on "the patch"?  I'm good.  I'm doing this.  I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE.  "The patch" was not a bad thing.  If I didn't have that and have you people on here, I would still be puffing away because I got frustrated, angry, the wind blew the wrong way, screw it, I'm smoking.  I find it amazing that some people on here have 6 years, 8 years and so on and still come back to offer encouragement to us newbees.  I must say thank you to you all.  You're helping me along the way ......... Happy First Day of Spring !!!!

well, entering onto Day 51 and a bad couple of weeks coming up, anniversary of my mother's death on the 31st, I'm on the pity train.  The month of March has always been hard for me, especially the last two weeks.  Before I basically drank myself silly and chain smoked.  Here we go with another first of not drinking and not smoking on her anniversary, but boy is it a hard one.

Now that I don't have those wonderful habits anymore, I realize how much of a smoky mirror it was.  Mr. Nicobod tricked me into believing that he was making me happy, making me calm, making me feel better.  Having these "firsts" is not fun, but it's my mind-set.  I know it is  it's the pity train again......... Stop the ride, I want to get off !!!!!

I will make it through today...... I will make it through tomorrow........ I know I can, I know I can, choo chooo


Day 50

Posted by crazymama_Lori Mar 17, 2016

Having another one of my firsts today.  Extremely frustrated over trying to help someone through a separation with their spouse.  I've given so much advice and knowledge that I have and it's literally being ignored.  In the past, I would have probably smoked a half a pack over the frustration.  I've decided at this point and at this phase of my quit, that I'm just better off distancing myself from this situation until I'm stronger.  Came real close today, but popped a stick of gum in my mouth instead 

I so remember when I was 12 years old having my first cigarette.  I thought it made me look cool.  Back in those days they cost $0.25 a pack and all you needed was a note from your mother and, boom, you got a pack.  Tried that a few times and got caught.  Next was when I was 13 and began stealing my dad's smokes out of his carton. Didn't really believe they would miss them until the carton was going as fast as it came in.  got caught.  Turned the magic age of 16, legal age to buy cigarettes back then.  Smoked virginia slims for years and never stopped from 1974-1975 on.  Back then you could smoke anywhere.  Your workplace, anywhere. Quitting smoking was never a thought or a word in my vocabulary back then.  Pricing went sky high.  Went to rolling my own with that gawd awful cigar tobacco.  That was terrible, but you know what, I kept smoking them.  Business picked up, more money, I can buy them again.  Began noticing the wheezing, the loss of breathe, headaches are increasing, leg cramps constantly.  I think it's time........

So now here we are at 49 days of being smoke free.  I remember when I finally stuck with it at day one thinking do this one day at a time.  My daughter would always check in on me.  I made it to 7 days.  My lord, that was a holiday.  I have never made it that far.  Made it to 29 days and found myself unconsciously driving to the gas station to buy a pack (happened a few times)........ oh, no, you don't,  At 30 days, I logged onto this site again after avoiding it for 2 years and found my answers to my questions.  Found my peace to the storm.  Found people who actually get me and understand.  So this journey is like sands through the hourglass only to be turned over and over again never to break.  I won't quit on my quit !!!!!!!!!!!

I'll get to this acronym stuff later in this blog, but need to get this feeling off my plate.  This addiction is probably the worst because it's legal.  You can go anywhere and buy it.  It's a very slow killer.  Likes to tease you for years until it shows its ugly true face.  This No Man's Land kinda sucks.  I find myself tending not to mention to people that I'm a nonsmoker because they either avoid me because they still smoke or avoid me because they think I'm going to preach to them how nasty smoking is.

Well, I'll tell ya, I won't preach to them how nasty smoking is because that used to irritate the heck out of me when someone did when I did smoke.  Yes, I knew how bad it was for me.  Yes, I knew what it was doing.  And, NO, I'm not ready yet and get off your soap box.  Now I'm like if you want to LEARN about how to stop smoking, come to this site, read this article, watch this video.  Arm yourself with the tools to make you succeed. Understand how this whole ADDICTION works.  Don't think of it as a habit.  Think of it the same as alcoholism. It's a disease and it will be with you, but you can control it.

I find myself now struggling more so over these last few days.  Today is a much better day.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring.  Yesterday I found myself scrambling to find anything and everything to keep my mind off of Mr. Nicobod.  He's someone I wish I would have never met.  But ya know, with old relationships, high school crushes, ex-husbands, old lovas, with time, with patience, they too are forgotten.  The memory comes back once in a while but go away as quickly as they came 

NOW on to acronyms.  Since I'm fairly new here, if someone could share what some of these acronyms mean.  I know DOF is days of freedom but some of the other ones used are baffling.  I finally figured out with TDC means, triple digits club.  Don't know if there's a DDC (double digits club), but I'm there.  If not, I'm declaring one..........

Hanging in there on my wonderful OCD Mondays.  Always scatterbrained on Mondays, which doesn't help matters, but 50 days whooooo hoooooo


First of many firsts

Posted by crazymama_Lori Mar 12, 2016

well, today is one of my firsts.  First day of the weekend with really nice weather with the husband milling around outside doing things with the neighbor guy puffing away.  Gesh, those things stink.  I'm having a rough day on the rollercoaster today, but hanging in there.  Looking forward to when all those little nicotine receptors die off because they sure are doing double duty today...............

Now that I don't have a cigarette in my hand, I've realized how tightly wrapped I am.  Read a post on here a while back that said us smokers never have patience for anything, we want it and and we want it now; we want it to happen and happen right now.  How very true that is.  The whole relearning concept is enlightening.  

Back when I was in the "workforce," actually going to a workplace all day (I'm self-employed now), I used smoking as relaxation ever since I was 16 years old.  Smoking on breaks, lunch, when getting off of work.  When I was in the "cutting back" phase, I was still using it that way and it was no wonder why that approach never worked.  I was still using it as relaxation.  Coffee was never my trigger.  I think that was the only one on that list that wasn't.  I used smoking for frustration, anger, relief, sadness, relaxation, boredom.  Okay, life in general.

Now that I have to relearn everything again, I deep breathe, rationalize, talk myself through it, think of why is this popping up.  Read a post on here yesterday actually about a young woman not being able to identify and replace any of those triggers.  My first thought was just think of it as relearning how to walk.  It's something we do unconsciously.  But when we're unable to, we have to think about it to relearn it.  That's just where I am right now at this minute........ baby steps, keep calm, keep going

Finally my joyful self is returning or else this is just an awesome day.  tomorrow witchypoo may return, but who knows. I've finally gotten this far and it's pretty darn sweet ;-)



Posted by crazymama_Lori Mar 7, 2016

Now that my sense of smell has finally returned, it's amazing how certain things around here smell like smoke which I never even noticed before.  Had to sift through some recycling/shredding that's been accumulating for the past few years and what a smell.  The very first thing I did when I quit was take down the curtains and put up freshly washed.  Then washed the windows watching the yellow streaks flowing down, ewwww.  Then washed the ceiling fans.  Even now every once in a while I'll smell smoke.  When my daughter and her fiance come in, that's the first thing I smell.  They went out to eat one day and came into my office to say hello.  The first thing I said was you must have had shrimp for lunch.  Never in a million years would I have smelled that before.  My other daughter is also a former smoker, ex-smoker, whatever, and she comments how nice it is not to smell the smoke anymore. It's reassuring to know my body is healing itself........ It's just a plain 'ole rejuvenatin' experience !!!!!

Well, actually I began starting to quit smoking on 12/31/2015 and slipped up after 3 days.  Went back at it for another 4 days and slipped again.  Fought the whole month of January keeping it to a minimum of no more than 5 a day.  That was my "cutting down" period.  then finally on the end January quit all together.  

I remember the common saying of mine, oh, just wait until I finish this cigarette and I'll get it done.  Let me have just one more and then we can go back in.  So much time wasted by waiting until I inhaled all those chemicals in my body for what.  My goodness, if I added up what I was "just waiting" for, I would have saved myself at least a teenager, let alone a preteen in years.

It's nice to finally get things done and keep on top of things.  It's nice to lay down at night and not wheeze.  It's nice to come up a flight of stairs without being out of breath.  I have many years to repair the damage I did to my lungs.  Hopefully I didn't wait too long.  It's the waiting, why did I wait?  Doesn't matter now.  It's now let's get this done and get it out of the way... there's no need to wait now ;-)


Cha Ching

Posted by crazymama_Lori Mar 4, 2016

Well, so far I've saved myself $435.87 by not smoking here for 5 weeks and feeling much better.  I remember the days of searching through the ashtrays when I was out thinking, oh, look, I can get a couple more hits off of that one.  Digging through each one until I had about seven to equal to one smoke until I could get to the store to buy a pack.  Our addiction is a legal one as is alcohol.  It's always there staring you in the face as you go to the gas station or the store.  Waving their little imaginary hands saying, yohoo, you know you want to take me with you.  Oh, come on, just a little bit won't hurt you.  Just one more........  

We all know that one more sticks us right back to where we were and then some.  The overwhelming sense of why did you even light that up, why did you even take that sip, why, oh, why.  It's funny in my first week I subconsciously reached for my pack of smokes after I was done working on something and caught myself.  I found myself staring out the window thinking god, I could really use one right now.  Second week was the thought of this is never going to end.  Third week was how long is this going to last.  Fourth week was well, this is getting better.  I actually made it 30 days.  Fifth week was I'm good, I'm not good, back and forth.  This week was hard for me because of lack of work.  I'm self-employed.  One can only watch so much TV and it's cold outside.  I live in the Midwest.  Next week will be rainy all week long.  But on a brighter note, I do have some cheese to go with that whine ;-) 

Yesterday was such a frustrating day.  Obsessing about cigarettes, cigarettes.  Thought to myself, why now, why after this far.  Read some articles on here and thought, okay, that's normal.  It's all good.  Today was a very good day.  Didn't even think about those nasty things until I realized that I've been trying to do this since 2009.  I was flipping through some old entries I made a very long time ago.  Remembering the panic of actually not smoking any more.  I can thank this site and all of you for pushing me, reminding me, consoling me....... I'm finally reaching the stars :-)


Sleep is my escape

Posted by crazymama_Lori Mar 2, 2016

finally figured out that sleeping is my escape from thinking about smoking.  I have days that I can sleep for 12 to 13 hours, sometimes even longer.  Good Lord, I'm having an extremely rough day today.  Tomorrow marks my 5 weeks or 37 days without a cigarette.  Doing my deep breathing.  Don't want to increase my nicotine patch because I so want to be done with these things, but that really does help.  seems like I'm replacing one crutch for another.  I know I'll stick with this because I never do things that I don't enjoy doing in the first place and this surely was not fun by any means.  Oh, well, just had to vent for a moment.  This too shall pass

I'm writing this for those that are just starting this fight.  I remember 30 years ago when I had my first child.  I was in the hospital for 3 days and came out and automatically lit up.  My husband said, you quit for 3 days why don't you stay with it..... I responded not ready yet.  Seven years later same scenario with another child.  My same response.  Time went on.  Mother died of cancer. 6 years later father dies of cancer.  Start thinking, boy I'm getting older (40's now), I should really THINK about quitting smoking.  Seven or eight years ago had a scare with my husband having heart problems.. Oh, boy, better really start thinking about quitting now. Four years ago, had an eye doctor appointment and was told if I didn't quit smoking, I'm going to have major problems with my eyesight.  Three years ago began the mental preparation of not smoking.  Research, research, research.  Join this site and forget about it.  Join again and forget about it.  Can't imagine myself not smoking.  I've been doing this for 43 years. Why stop now.  Forget about the smoking bothering my husband who is on a CPAP machine.  Forget about my eyesight which is now becoming interesting because I'm seeing floaters now more often.  What am I going to do?  I can't quit smoking now.  I'm under too much stress, I can't deal with it right now, I'll start next week, I'll wait until this carton is done, I'll do it when this pack is gone, and the list goes on.

NOW WE BEGIN.  Right after that eye doctor appointment, made an appointment to see a doctor to help me quit.  Wanted me to go on Chantix and I refused because of the side effects but prescribed Wellburtrin.  I was a walking zombie and my blood pressure shot up sky high.  After two weeks, went off of it and went straight back to smoking.  One day I went to the store and basically this woman behind the deli counter asks me if I just had a cigarette, which I hadn't for like 2 hours ago because I was "cutting down."  Thinking to myself, do I really smell like a walking ashtray?  Okay, December 31st, 2015.  Finally made the decision, I'm going cold turkey.  Never done it longer than 3 days without anything.  let's go.  WELL, first week, I lasted 4 days, bought a pack.  Kept my smoking down to 2 cigarettes a day.  Stayed that way until the pack was gone and then went for another 5 days.  bought a pack.  Well, gee wiz, that one only lasted 3 days.  hmmmm, what is that telling ya?  not working is it?

Well, okay, let's try to nicotine patches.  Week one was awesome.  Had cravings but nothing like it was when I was cold turkey.  The dreams were pretty cool.  Week two, not bad but was really starting in with the thought of "when is this ever going to stop."  Oh, I can have one a day and I'll be fine.  Didn't go there.  Week three, hey I'm getting the hang of this, but where did I hide that chocolate.  Week four, well, now we start to wean off the nicotine.  Left the house and went shopping and found myself driving to the gas station.  OH, NO..... you are not going down that road again.  One leads to two and so on.  Just keep on moving on down that road.  Drove home and cussed myself out for even thinking about it.  The wind blew the wrong way, crying like a baby.  What in the hell is this?  I never cry.  I'm not liking this at all.  We are now on week five.  My emotions have leveled off.  I'm cut down to 7 mg of nicotine every day.  I'm really tired of chewing gum.  and my tongue is sore from the hard candy and I'm a walking blimp, but I can breathe.  I no longer have leg cramps.  my back feels better.  I survived a computer glitch one day without smoking a pack of cigarettes due to frustration.  I have a year of relearning life basically without smoking, but I can get through doing my taxes in a week or so.  Might have to buy a stress ball for that one.