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constanceclum

Ugghhh!!!

Posted by constanceclum Sep 16, 2019

I'm 7 weeks free from smoking, and I feel like I just went through hell week all over again! It's extremely discouraging! I have been through 4 months of never-ending stress, and I'm wondering if that's the problem. Like my brain is insisting that smoking is how I've always coped. I haven't given in. I know how really p****d I'd be if I smoked, had that chest tightness and difficulty breathing then realizing that it didn't help anything. I am just really depressed, and I MISS the times when I smoked and never gave it a 2nd thought.

 

There was 1 lady that commented on 1 of my blogs that her hardest time was betwee days 21 & 60. I wish I could remember who it was. I know I can make 60 days. That's only 11 more days. I'm really hoping that's how it works for me.

 

I'm also very frustrated. I had already blogged about How sick Scott has been. He had pneumonia that turned into a copd flare-up and we think sleep apnea. I have talked, begged, pleaded and cried for him to start taking care of himself. He's a daily beer drinker, smokes 1 & 1/2 packs/day and also smokes pot. I've cried to him that I don'd believe he will live long, and I'm not ready to lose him, but he will not stop. He also does not eat healthy and is over weight. It's so heartbreaking to me because he's only 55.

 

I'll keep doing what I've been doing everyday for 4 months. I spend time with God every morning and turn all my cares and worries over to him. That has a calming effect and gets me through each day.

 

And I come here and read, read, read. And I feel the love of all of you, and it has a calming effect and gets me through each day.

 

I think I forgot to tell you, I read the online results of my PET scan and it appears the nodule is benign. I see the Dr in a couple of weeks. I don't understand why it grew, but I'll take that good news!

 

God bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Back in NC

Posted by constanceclum Sep 11, 2019

I had waited until after my trip to look at my PET scan results of the lung nodule, and I'm happy to say, it's benign. I just knew it was going to be malignant as it had grown. I don't see my Dr. until the end of the month, and I guess he'll explain it than. But, whew, what a relief.

 

My husbands been going through a terrible time. He's had a bad copd flare-up, and it looks like he has sleep apnea and possibly low oxygen at night. We never got insurance for him through work because of my high monthly medical expenses, we knew we would never be able to afford his $6,000 deductable. We are getting his insurance in Jan., but, for now, it's all self-pay. I really did not need to be facing a devastating illness myself right now, and God new that.

 

I'm at 44 DOF today and those ol' craving buggers have reared their ugly heads again. Today and yesterday have been pretty tough. I did pretty good in NY but I think, coming home was like a huge trigger. I'm not giving in though.

 

We had no problems with Dorian on my side of NC, thank God!

 

Take care, and God bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Hi friends

Posted by constanceclum Sep 5, 2019

So Eric and Tracy miscarried on tues. Sad, but they are handling it well. As soon as she is healed, they will try again. My husband Scott went in the hospital tues for bad copd episode, but he is home now. He thinks he will be ok if he smokes cigars and doesn't inhale. I don't know anything about that.

 

I am still not smoking and doing fairly well with it. There's still uncomfortable times, especially in the morning, but it's not difficult to ride it out. I just have a lot more time on my hands here. My youngest son, his fiancee and there son Trent (2&1/2) are coming for the w/e so that will brighten our spirits.

 

Hope everyone is doing well,

 

Connie

constanceclum

in NY

Posted by constanceclum Sep 2, 2019

Yesterday was a long day as traveling usually is. I have 5 weeks of freedom today! It was so nice to be a nonsmoker, waiting at the airport, flying two hours and then driving a couple of hours to my sons house. I have been having a great last few days with just minimal urges. I really feeling like a nonsmoker, and it feels great!!!

 

It's a rainy morning here and Fall! I left 90 degree weather so this is taking a bit to get used to. And I feel a cold coming on. I'm also feeling worn out. I'm not a young chicken anymore so traveling takes a lot out of me. It's ok though. We're just having a lazy day. Just planning on going to the lake this afternoon.

 

Wishing all of you a great labor day and God bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Still Going Strong!!

Posted by constanceclum Aug 31, 2019

33 DOF!!! My old PC finally bit the dust the other day. I spent a long time trying to navigate this site on my phone, but that was horrible. It took me so long to find personal blogs,, then couldn't remember how I did it. so I gave up. I went and got a tablet which is nice but taking a bit to get used to.

 

So am I in NML? Not sure how that works for people using patches, but I feel like I'm just getting out of New Man's Land lol.Seriously, I have struggled with harsh craves. Week 3 was pretty good, but weeks 4 & 5 were like the 1st 3 days all over again. But it's been Nope for me all the way. Finally, yesterday and today I have felt like a nonsmoker for the most part. Some minor twinges here and there.

 

So tomorrow I leave for upstate NY to visit my son and daughter-in-law. I had my PET scan on Wed. but don't see my Dr. until the end of the month. I refuse to look at the results online until I get back. 

 

Hope all of you are enjoying a nice smoke-free w/e and God bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

They Come out of Nowhere

Posted by constanceclum Aug 27, 2019

So after blogging how great I felt this morning, I ate breakfast and then had a huge, craving. I had reached a point where that trigger wasn't bothering me anymore but, oops, there it is. I prayed, got busy, and remembered to deep breath.It passed after about 30 minutes.

 

Don't give in to the craves!!!

 

Connie

constanceclum

My "Stick With It" blog

Posted by constanceclum Aug 27, 2019

Just a reminder to get through those tough days the best you can using all your tools! I'm starting my 5th weeks, and the past 3 or 4 days have been tough! I felt like I was back in heck week. I was discouraged but not willing to give in. I was frustrating, but smoking was not an option! I woke up this morning feeling great! Like a nonsmoker! As Dale says "we have to go through it to get out of it".

 

God bless all of you!

 

Connie

constanceclum

And the Beat goes On

Posted by constanceclum Aug 26, 2019

4 weeks of freedom, 855 cigarettes not smoked, $126.00 saved!

 

Connie

Foul odors lol. They're all over. Will not smoke over them though.

 

Connie

constanceclum

Mind Over Matter

Posted by constanceclum Aug 23, 2019

One would think that, if you are having negative physical symptoms that are caused by the psychology of your brain, you would be able to stop it by being aware of it. Not so from my experience this week. Wednesday AM, I took my patch off, got in the shower and realized I had forgot to put a new one on. I planned on putting a new one on when I got out of the shower but I forgot again. That was at 9:30. At 3:30, I was driving home from the gym and went to scratch my are (the patches cause me minor itching) and realized the patch wasn't there. I checked my other arm-no patch. I was amazed that I hadn't felt the effects of no nicotine all day, and I decided to leave the patch off, Sure enough, once I realized I was not getting nicotine, the cravings got pretty tough. I kept telling myself it was all in my head but it didn't help. I finally put a patch on because I was afraid I would give in to the cravings and smoke.

 

I had the worse craving that wouldn't stop at the infusion center today. I didn't give a 2nd thought about preparing for the clinic because, usually over the past 26 days, when I'm in nonsmoking situations, I do better, but this was a huge trigger.Then I realized that, over the past 2 yrs that I've been getting these infusions, that I've always had a horrible time as a smoker. I'm there between 4 and 5 hours, craving the whole time. When it was over, I would immediately go across the street, waiting for my husband to pick me up, and smoke 2 cigarettes back-to-back. When I realized what was going on at about 11:00, I kept telling myself that it was all in my head. Didn't help a bit. The craving finally left at about 4:30 and now I'm fine.

 

Moral of the story, triggers can happen anytime, even when least expected. Be prepared always!!!

 

God Bless and have a good smoke free evening,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Checking in

Posted by constanceclum Aug 23, 2019

It's day 26, and each day I get more and more detached from smoking! I still have urges and thoughts, but it's become automatic to distract myself from them.

 

The tumor in my lung is small but growing and that indicates malignancy. I have a PET scan scheduled for next week. The Dr. says I'm complicated because of my immune deficiency and copd. Luckily we have a renowned cancer center here. Other than that, I put it in God's hands every morning then do my best to stay out of his way.

 

I'm leaving in about 5 minutes to have my monthly antibody infusion, but I wanted to wish all of you a glorious day!

 

God bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Clueless

Posted by constanceclum Aug 20, 2019

I would love to know how to post pictures and inspirational sayings but haven't a clue. Any help would be appreciated.

 

Connie

constanceclum

Good morning

Posted by constanceclum Aug 20, 2019

This 4th week of smoking is better. Empty chest feeling actually subsides quicker, and I'm able to get through them with deep breathing. My journey has taught me that each week gets easier.

 

I go to see the lung Dr. today about the suspicious nodule in my lung. I will keep you updated.

 

I finally got a good night sleep last night. That makes all the difference in my attitude! I got this lol.

 

Not being a slave to nicotine feels great!

 

God bless all of you,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Hanging in there

Posted by constanceclum Aug 18, 2019

I'm at the end of 3 weeks of freedom, and I am so grateful! But the past week seems the hardest. The craves are gone, but this persistent "empty" feeling in my chest is wearing my down. I am continuing to use all the tools I have been using

(i.e. deep breathing, constant fluids, staying busy and staying close to this site) and, whenever I think of smoking, I know that's not really what I want. It's not the answer to any problem, and I don't want to stop before the miracle. I just pray (and I'm also using prayer that I think is the real answer to all my problems) that next week will give me the break I needd before entering NML.

 

I've slept better the past 2 nights which is a vast improvement. And I've forced myself to slow down which is helping my mental health. I think I just need a boost from you Exer's to get the motivation and excitement flowing again.

 

Hope all of you are having a nice, relaxing, smoke-free w/e.

 

Connie

constanceclum

Learning Lesson

Posted by constanceclum Aug 16, 2019

This week, as far as my quit goes, has been like last week (heck week). I put off a lot of little (5 minute) things over the 2 weeks I spent mornings until 1:30 helping my friend while she was recovering from back surgery. This week has been a mad rush to take care of those "5 minute" things, many of which turned into an hour. Having COPD demands more self care and causes me to be slower that people my age who have healthy lungs. I do most of my responsibilities in the morning, At noon I go to an AA meeting. Afternoons are for the gym and Dr. appointments. Then some "chill" time, dinner and early to bed. I have been so busy in the mornings that I haven't had enough time to spend on here as I need, do my AA prayer and meditations or even use my nebulizer.  This rushing has caused me to be frazzled which increases my desire for a cigarette. I think partly because I never gave a second thought about taking that break, and my brain/body is telling me that I need that break

 

Well today is my mental health break, and it's going to be a slowed-down w/e, and next week there will be some changes. I plan on making a list each morning, prioritizing in order of importance with self care at the top and, whatever doesn't get done, goes on the next days list.

 

God bless each and everyone of you,

 

Connie