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2019

I am having a rest day! I had planned on going to church with a friend but after the week I had I decided to have a rest day.  I went to an AA aniversary eating meeting last night with a bunch of women I am in recovery with and we had so much fun! It was the first time I have had a good time in a long time. I go for my infuion tomorrow and start my new job tomorrow night. My infusion takes about 4 hours so it will be a long day.

 

I am not having any urges and go for long periods without thinking of smoking. Dale says I will soon find myself that I went a whole day without thinking about a cigarette, but that will be pretty hard as I come here everyday and don't expect that to change anytime soon. But as I type those words (smoking, nicotine) I have no feelings attacheds to them and that is wonderful.

 

I just want to remind newbies, don't stop before the miracle. I didn't and I'm so grateful!

 

God bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Good morning everyone!!!

Posted by constanceclum Sep 21, 2019

I hope you all have a great smoke free weekend!!!

 

Connie

constanceclum

It's all good

Posted by constanceclum Sep 20, 2019

My husband works for an auto repair company. It has a convenience store/deli that he works in but we always have the repair side work on our car. A year ago they told us we needed a transmission flush per toyota maintenance program. Apparently they didn't "seal" the transmission right, causing a leak and that is what happened to our camry. No this is a family owned business since the early 60's, all certified mechanics and has a great reputation. They have to send the car out because it needs a transmission overhaul, and they don't do that. The charge $1725.45. As I already explained, we don't have that kind of money, and we have been scrambling, trying to figure out what to do. We live in a small town with no public transportation and he works in Charlotte, about a half hour away. He's been taking uber to and from work which costs about $20.00 less than he makes a day. Well, everything has worked out. I found out through toyota that they have no transmission flushes in their maintenance plan.and the mechanic didn't seal it properly. So they were able to get $1,000.00 off the cost and are going to pay the $700.00, and we will pay that back over several pay periods. My son is helping me rent a car which I am getting tomorrow so alls well that ends well. Seriously, everything always works out through God and worrying helps nothing. 3 months ago I would have smoked 2 packs of cigarettes a day, justifying it because it "helped my nerves" Thank God I for giving me the strength to not smoke, and thank EX for helping me, supporting me, encouraging me. I could not have done this without you!

 

Connie 53 DOF and it feels great!

constanceclum

Thank you Mark

Posted by constanceclum Sep 18, 2019

And the rest of the EX (Mayo Clinic) staff for all you do for us!!!

 

Connie

constanceclum

Changed Mindset

Posted by constanceclum Sep 18, 2019

Fall is in the air here in NC, and I'm feeling so much better! It finally occurred to me that we got through each and every problem of the past 4 months, and we will get through this. And I never smoked!

 

I just want to let other people, new in your quits, that I have used this site for many years in my attempts to quit smoking. I have read thousands of blogs, and I never, not once, have I read one where someone expressed regret over quitting smoking. So keep on keeping on!

 

God Bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

I'm sorry

Posted by constanceclum Sep 17, 2019

Blogging about all this crap. But it really helps. I'm so "ill" over all this I'm actually dizzy. But typing it all out helps it lose it's power. And I have friends that know all I've been going through. But they all have their own problems. Life just seems so much harder than it use to be, and not just for me. But I'm done for the day, and I just wanted to apologize for all the negativity.

 

Connie

constanceclum

Update

Posted by constanceclum Sep 17, 2019

So it is our transmission. We do not have thousands of dollars to put in this car. We do not have credit. I have owed so many thousands of dollars for healthcare that's accrued over several yrs. and keeps accruing that we can't get credit. We are having the car towed to find out exactly what's wrong with it and how much it will cost, but we live in a small town, not close to anything and no public transportation. My husband works in Charlotte about a half hour drive each way. He took tomorrow off from work because he can't get there and so we can figure out what to do. Please pray for us!

 

I WILL NOT SMOKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Connie

Today I have 50 days of freedom from the hidious cancer sticks. I am proud of myself because I have never made it this far! I blogged yesterday about how much stress I've been under for the past 4 months, and I'm going to repeat whe whining for the last time because there's an "in conclusion" now.

 

I had been on latuda for e yrs. given to me as samples from the county mental health clinic that I was going to. This medication is for bipolar depression and costs $1200.00/mo. There is no way I could even affort the co-pay. They had been telling me for several months prior that they weren't getting as many samples and in May they told me they didn't have any. This is a dangerous medicine to stop taking. You have to wean off it over months and under medical supervision. I weaned myself off it as best I could with the ones I had left-over about 3 weeks. I went through the worst depression and anxiety I had ever experienced, and it lasted for several weeks. At the end of May, my brilliant son who was going to grad. school for Data Science, went with his family to Myrtle Bch. where he decided to do a bunch of meth and ended up in jail. He lost everything. He add a history of alcohol and prescription med abuse but had never done illegal street drugs. On top of my depression I was already going through, watching him go through this totally broke my heart! He's out of jail now and in treatment, and will have to start his life completely over starting with nothing.. In July I had my 6 mo. CT scan which showed the nodule in my lungs had grown. This is highly incitive of malignancy, and I already spend a God awful amoung to money on medical expenses every month so I had no idea how I would even begin to afforddf cancer care even with insurance, and because of other health problems, I'm not a good candidate for either lung surgery or chemo. I had also got pneumonia in May which really had made my breathing a lot worse so I started thinking about quitting smokin and took the plunge on July 29. I had my Pet scan at the end of Aug. and found out last week that the nodule is benign so, finally, some good news. At the same time, my husband got really sick with pneumonia, copd flare up and possibly sleep apnea. Today, he called and told me we are having transmission problems. in our only car. We don't know the outcome yet.

 

So I'm depressed and have periods of anxiety. I don't know, for the life of me, why we are being so bombarded. I started wondering if maybe I am being severely tested by Satan to cave and start smoking again, because I have had so a hard time in NML. Well, I'm here to say, I will not give in. My story will be that, no matter what you go through, what kind of depression or anxiety or crap that life throws at you, YOU DON"T HAVE TO SMOKE OVER IT!!!

 

I hope you all have a blessed day!

 

Connie

constanceclum

Ugghhh!!!

Posted by constanceclum Sep 16, 2019

I'm 7 weeks free from smoking, and I feel like I just went through hell week all over again! It's extremely discouraging! I have been through 4 months of never-ending stress, and I'm wondering if that's the problem. Like my brain is insisting that smoking is how I've always coped. I haven't given in. I know how really p****d I'd be if I smoked, had that chest tightness and difficulty breathing then realizing that it didn't help anything. I am just really depressed, and I MISS the times when I smoked and never gave it a 2nd thought.

 

There was 1 lady that commented on 1 of my blogs that her hardest time was betwee days 21 & 60. I wish I could remember who it was. I know I can make 60 days. That's only 11 more days. I'm really hoping that's how it works for me.

 

I'm also very frustrated. I had already blogged about How sick Scott has been. He had pneumonia that turned into a copd flare-up and we think sleep apnea. I have talked, begged, pleaded and cried for him to start taking care of himself. He's a daily beer drinker, smokes 1 & 1/2 packs/day and also smokes pot. I've cried to him that I don'd believe he will live long, and I'm not ready to lose him, but he will not stop. He also does not eat healthy and is over weight. It's so heartbreaking to me because he's only 55.

 

I'll keep doing what I've been doing everyday for 4 months. I spend time with God every morning and turn all my cares and worries over to him. That has a calming effect and gets me through each day.

 

And I come here and read, read, read. And I feel the love of all of you, and it has a calming effect and gets me through each day.

 

I think I forgot to tell you, I read the online results of my PET scan and it appears the nodule is benign. I see the Dr in a couple of weeks. I don't understand why it grew, but I'll take that good news!

 

God bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Back in NC

Posted by constanceclum Sep 11, 2019

I had waited until after my trip to look at my PET scan results of the lung nodule, and I'm happy to say, it's benign. I just knew it was going to be malignant as it had grown. I don't see my Dr. until the end of the month, and I guess he'll explain it than. But, whew, what a relief.

 

My husbands been going through a terrible time. He's had a bad copd flare-up, and it looks like he has sleep apnea and possibly low oxygen at night. We never got insurance for him through work because of my high monthly medical expenses, we knew we would never be able to afford his $6,000 deductable. We are getting his insurance in Jan., but, for now, it's all self-pay. I really did not need to be facing a devastating illness myself right now, and God new that.

 

I'm at 44 DOF today and those ol' craving buggers have reared their ugly heads again. Today and yesterday have been pretty tough. I did pretty good in NY but I think, coming home was like a huge trigger. I'm not giving in though.

 

We had no problems with Dorian on my side of NC, thank God!

 

Take care, and God bless,

 

Connie

constanceclum

Hi friends

Posted by constanceclum Sep 5, 2019

So Eric and Tracy miscarried on tues. Sad, but they are handling it well. As soon as she is healed, they will try again. My husband Scott went in the hospital tues for bad copd episode, but he is home now. He thinks he will be ok if he smokes cigars and doesn't inhale. I don't know anything about that.

 

I am still not smoking and doing fairly well with it. There's still uncomfortable times, especially in the morning, but it's not difficult to ride it out. I just have a lot more time on my hands here. My youngest son, his fiancee and there son Trent (2&1/2) are coming for the w/e so that will brighten our spirits.

 

Hope everyone is doing well,

 

Connie

constanceclum

in NY

Posted by constanceclum Sep 2, 2019

Yesterday was a long day as traveling usually is. I have 5 weeks of freedom today! It was so nice to be a nonsmoker, waiting at the airport, flying two hours and then driving a couple of hours to my sons house. I have been having a great last few days with just minimal urges. I really feeling like a nonsmoker, and it feels great!!!

 

It's a rainy morning here and Fall! I left 90 degree weather so this is taking a bit to get used to. And I feel a cold coming on. I'm also feeling worn out. I'm not a young chicken anymore so traveling takes a lot out of me. It's ok though. We're just having a lazy day. Just planning on going to the lake this afternoon.

 

Wishing all of you a great labor day and God bless,

 

Connie