I must love to suffer

Blog Post created by constanceclum on Jul 30, 2018

Day 1 again with everything that goes with it and, the worst thing is, I keep putting myself through it over and over again. I think I've learned this time that I can't smoke without being miserable. Before I quit in June I had 5 weeks of feeling like I was breathing through a straw and horrible coughing fits and that's exactly how it's been the last couple of weeks. On cooler days when the humidity isn't so high, it's better but it's not going to stop being hot in NC in the summer and I'm not moving so it just has to stop. Plus, I realize that it's still completely abnormal, that if I keep smoking, eventually that will be how I feel all the time. My lungs and bronchioles are just too damaged.


I appreciate all the support concerning my breast cancer. I'm not worried about my prognosis because it's good and we all know plenty of survivors-they're all over. I have some anxiety about the treatment plan, which I won't know until Thurs., and my 11 day trip I'm taking in Sept. for my son's wedding and granddaughter's 1st birthday. It will break my heart if I can't go!. I was really mad for a couple of days at God. It hasn't even been a yr. since I was diagnosed with immune deficiency which I have to go for very expensive infusions every month and in March I had lung surgery. For the past 4 mo. we've been working on my high ammonia level which I have to take lactulose, a laxative which causes me to have diarrhea and gas. Isn't dealing with copd enough. I asked God if this was his sense of humor or did he consider me Job and was just never gonna let up.


But I've reached a stage of acceptance. It could be a lot worse like terminal lung cancer or a host of other things. So, even though today's craves are rough, I'm still feeling blessed!