Day won! I'll admit I'm struggling-not quite as bad as yesterday but the fatigue has set in. Unfortunately, I'm not a person that can nap. My minds too racey.
I've been really thinking about my history of relapse and why. Why some get it the 1st time and others don't. We see the same in AA. Some people stay sober for life after their 1st meeting while others, like me, have multiple relapses. In fact, alcohol has been a big reason why I couldn't quit smoking in the past. Now I've been sober for 2 yrs. but still haven't quit smoking. I think the reason is listening to the nicotine addiction lie and my tendency to over-analyze everything. Take the last quit. I was smoke-free for 5 weeks and loved every aspect of it. I was using chantix and, after the 1st couple of weeks, I had no desire to smoke. Well, I did have 1 issue. Severe bloating after eating causing nausea. Now, I am aware that quitting smoking causes stomach/digestive issues but my addiction insisted it was the chantix. So I cut my dose in half and immediately the cravings came back. My addiction tells me there is no way I can quit cold turkey so I immediately light a cigarette. I discover I'm in a position where I can't smoke (my lungs will no longer tolerate it) and I can't not smoke. Whew, what a dilemma! So I decide that better the stomach issues and be able to breath and start the chantix again. I remember how wonderful life was for 3 weeks of not smoking versus how miserable I was when I smoked. Well, guess what? I've been on the chantix for 8 days and I'm on day 2 of not smoking and my stomach is fine.
But this is how our addiction lies and manipulates. Even after 5 yrs. of trying to quit, it's still more powerful than I am. I don't fall for the "just 1 won't hurt", but the power of nicotine can be more subtle and sneaky. When I blog here, from now on, I will try and be more honest about the thoughts going around in my head so when they get too crazy, you guys can straighten me out!