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2017
constanceclum

3 weeks of freedom

Posted by constanceclum Feb 28, 2017

It was yesterday but was so busy running around I couldn't get on here. It has got a lot better. The hardest time, for me, is driving and waiting. Yesterday I took a friend for an MRI and a couple other errands and it was pretty rough. My husband had accidently left a partial pack in the console. I saw them when I stuck my phone in there. I should have just thrown them away but, for some reason, I have confidence that, this time, I will not smoke no matter what I am going through. Maybe because of how rough the first couple of weeks were or maybe it's finally sunk in how bad I will feel withing a few days of smoking. This disease or addiction or whatever we want to call it, simply can't lie to me anymore.

 

The last PET scan I had of my left lung nodule showed it had grown a little. I have been following this for about 2&1/2 years. He isn't too concerned but we will repeat it in April. If it grew more, we will just take the nodule out. They can't biopsy it because of where it is but he is pretty comfortable that it isn't cancerous-yet. Anyway, the point is, my COPD has got so bad, they can't take the lung lobe out because I have played around with smoking too long.

 

Enough of this. I am really enjoying this Spring we have had in Feb. in NC. Hope it keeps up.

 

Enjoy your evenings EXer's!!!

 

Connie

constanceclum

Feeling good today

Posted by constanceclum Feb 23, 2017

17 DOF and 351 cigarettes not smoked. I am a lot calmer with only 1 mild craving so far. Now I hope to reach the point where they are not in my mind so much. I know that will come soon enough. Through the 1st 2 weeks when I was having such a horrible time with cravings and anxiety, I also had this powerful knowledge of I don't do that anymore and NOPE. My health was never enough to make me quit but this new grandbaby is. I want to go to NY which is where they live, as often as possible and spoil this child along with the 2 step grankids. That takes a lot of money and, of course, I can't do that in poor health either.

 

I'm so glad to be back here among old friends and, hopefully, soon to be new friends.

 

Connie

constanceclum

Still here

Posted by constanceclum Feb 22, 2017

15 DOF and it has got a lot easier. I don't know why I had such a hard time this time but I hope I never forget. I think I went into this as yes I have a lot of good reasons to quit but I was lacking in excitement that I had on previous attempts. I haven't got on here much because I've been so busy and staying busy seemed to help more than sitting at this computer. Plus I still have a hard time with motivation with all the changes. I know I have to just keep coming back and eventually it will be easier but for now it seems frustrating which I didn't need when I was going through that really rough period. I will try to come here everyday though. I appreciate the copd group started by Thomas and hope it will be a great place for support and education.

 

And about my eyes. Next week I will have a tear procedure where they will partially block my drainage ducts and it's also time to have my cataracts removed. I'm almost blind in my right eye but I'm relieved to get this over with and have my eyes back.

 

Love to all of you,

 

Connie

constanceclum

cravings

Posted by constanceclum Feb 14, 2017

Day 9 and even though they are coming on less often, they still last a long time. Sometimes over an hour with feeling light headed and shaking all over. I actually feel like my legs are going to buckle. When do 3-5 minute craves happen?

I'm getting less motivated to come here because it's still so confusing to me. I read the blogs under conversations and I assume they are the same as the old blogs but I'll just keep working at it until it makes sense. I'm not having a lot of patience right now. What's the difference between a blog, a conversation and a discussion?

 

Connie

constanceclum

Still here

Posted by constanceclum Feb 11, 2017

Thanks everyone for all the comments and encouragement. I can't use the computer like I use to because of the irritation in my eyes. The computer really makes it worse but I have an eye apt. on Tues. Also need my cataracts checked, my vision is getting really blurry.

 

This week has been really hard. I have this evil demon living in me that I don't like very much. Normally I'm pretty calm and easy going and I don't remember being this hateful with prior quits. I know every quit is different but I really don't like myself right now.

 

I'm not about to give up though. May this time in a month or so I'll remember how horrible this is. 

 

Hope you are all having a great w/e. Love you all

Connie

 

It's hard!!! I can't understand my brain allowing me to relapse after I get comfortable without smoking. It's absolutely ridiculous! I am praying about this daily-being my last quit. I have a grandbaby due in Sept 10. They live in NY so I want my money going to visits and spoiling. I want to be healthy enough to travel as well and without O2. So I definitely have a new thing to add to my list of reasons to quit.

 

Thanks for all your patience and for those of you who aren't, that's okay too. Love all of you

 

Connie