Skip navigation
All People > constanceclum > constanceclum Blog > 2014 > November
2014
constanceclum

Joy

Posted by constanceclum Nov 30, 2014

One more blog tonight. After my previous blogs, I want everyone to know, I do not live in sorrow, I talked to God the other week, after listening to my Pastor talk about as a Christian, we can rename our sorrow. I decided right then and there to rename my sorrow to Joy. Money, health, adult children, addictions, it doesn't matter, it's all Joy everyday.

constanceclum

Seasonal depression

Posted by constanceclum Nov 30, 2014

I wanted to include in my previous blog that I am bipolar mostly depression which gets worse in the winter and holidays. My Dr is really inspired that I have quit smoking because it's more difficult for someone with a mood disorder. Just want to warn my friends on here to be especially cautious, be in touch with your Docs to tweak your meds if necessary. Mental illness is not an excuse to relapse. Man up and do what you need to do.

Connie

constanceclum

My journey

Posted by constanceclum Nov 30, 2014

I have always been told in AA that terminal uniqueness will put you in an early grave. I'm not really unique, but I have learned some things in my 56 yrs. of living, my own personal experiences. Everyone who knows me, knows I'm a little chatty so bear with me.

I can't believe I haven't blogged for 9 days, but I have been on here reading blogs and comments, especially to the ones who have relapsed.

I smoked for 43 yrs. I was 1st diagnoses with copd 5-6 yrs. ago Except for the occasional bout of bronchitis, I didn't feel to bad and I kept smoking. Now I know that every bout of bronchitis deteriorates your lungs. A lot of what I've learned has not been from Drs. but on this site after my copd became end stage. People always asked my what my numbers were after having pulmonary function tests, I never knew. The way I found out I had end stage copd was from my discharge papers from my visit to the ER for something completely unrelated. When I asked my pulmonologist why that was how I found out about my diagnosis he said well you kept smoking. Not what I asked him. I know that if you keep smoking you will get more severe copd. I believed I should have always known what my numbers were with education on how to take care of myself. No insult to Thomas but it's pretty sad when I get my info from him rather than my docs.

I have tried to quit smoking for decades, not seriously though. I always thought I had time. Now it's a matter of life or death for me. I'm 8 weeks quit and I am short of breath while resting. Yes people tell me it will get better with time but I know, at 56 there is no more physical activity for me. I would love to go to the mountains and hike but I don't see that as happening.

The lies of addiction:

I was an RN at Cancer Treatment Centers of America from 1988 to 1992. I watched people die of lung cancer but thought that will not happen to me.

In 1993 I watched my mom die of   copd at 58 yrs. old. I am now 56. For those who don't know there is a genetic component to copd which affects people at an earlier age.  I still didn't think it would happen to me.

With diagnosis of copd I kept smoking, in denial thinking it would not happen to me.

I just hope I can help even 1 person reading about my journey to make the decision to quit or not relapse.

Love to all of you

Connie

constanceclum

Ellen

Posted by constanceclum Nov 21, 2014

The last I heard was 2 cats got out, but the 19 yr. old cat did not. I did not get a lot of response from yesterdays blos about Dale being in charge of letting us know what she needs. I thought Dale was in touch with her via test. I am sure she needs clothes but we need to know sizes. She will need hygiene products and cash. Even though she does have insurance, it might not come through immediately. Ellen has been such an inspiration to so many people on here including me. She smoked for many yrs, endures a lot of pain and a lot of hardship in her day to day life and yet she is 10 months clean from smoking. Usually in these types of situations, a trust is set up. I don't know where she lives or banks. I'm hoping Dale could set up a trust where we could send money or an address where we could send clothes and hygiene products. Lets not forget about her.

Connie

constanceclum

Ellen

Posted by constanceclum Nov 20, 2014

So grateful about all the EXer's so willing to help at this time. Dale is probably right about letting things settle a bit before jumping into anything. In fact I think Dale should be in charge of letting us know how and when we can help. For instance, I don't even know how to use a pay pal acct. I'm sure, between all of us, we can find clothers that fit her and her husband, etc...  So happy that a couple of her cats survived. I'm rambling, haven't had my 1st cup of coffee this morning. I am so proud of her for not smoking. Happy also about the insurance.

Connie

constanceclum

Ellen

Posted by constanceclum Nov 19, 2014

I think we should immediately, as fellow EXer's, try to figure out the best way to provide help, money, supplies anything that may help to provide for Ellen. I wouldn't even know how to start this. We could start a plan with members who want to help and take it from their. If anyone is interested and wants to get in touch with me, my # is 704-726-2942. There is no time that is good to have your house burn down but now it's the holidays and her daughter is supposed to come home from Korea in Jan.

Let's do this

Connie

constanceclum

I do appologize

Posted by constanceclum Nov 16, 2014

I have had a whold day to reflect on my anger and blogs yesterday. I have recieved a lot of messages from the very caring people that make this site great. This does not mean I have changed my mind on how to handle relapsing. People with addictions feel a great deal of shame right at the gate. If they relapse, they are not doing "something wrong"  It is a disease, a powerful, baffeling disease. We wake up every morning with 100% resolve that we won't do it again. Yet the evening comes and we are doing it again, banging our heads against the wall sobbing out where did all that resolve go. I will not leave this site. I am here for the relapser to say, you don't have to be ashamed, you did nothing wrong, just get back on the horse and try again, I will pray for you and offer compassion, love and support as are most of the people on this site. As pir8, the rest I can't remember but we all know who he is, take what you need and leave the rest.

Love to all

Connie

constanceclum

Last blog

Posted by constanceclum Nov 15, 2014

Since I disagree with most of you on this site, I am going to leave it. For decades most professionals and people in 12 step programs have realized that bullying and nagging will not get people to stop their drug of choice. People have to reach that point on their own. I have been around and been one myself drug/alcohol and smoking addiction. I watched my mother, in end stage copd cry over her efforts, unsuccessfully, to quit smoking. She died at 58. I started smoking at 13 in 1971 by stopping by the gas station on my way to school and spending my lunch money (50 cents) on a pack of marlboro. In the later 70's I met a man who had worked in marketing in the early 70's that told me they intentionally marketed to teenagers. Nicotine is the strongest addiction of any. I am glad for those of you that the bullying worked. There are those in AA that bullying works too. Many more are turned off and go back out, never to return again. I have been quit for 6 weeks and I don't believe I will start smoking again but some of you guys are narrow mindes and, actually, down right cruel.

constanceclum

A little bit furious!

Posted by constanceclum Nov 15, 2014

I have been in and out of AA since 1988. I have met many people who were sober for decades and had very compassionate hearts for the relapser. We now know that addiction is a disease. It has nothing to do with will power. However, there are also many people in AA who treats the relapser as if they have been "doing it wrong" I call those people the AA ****'s. I am finding some of this on this site. Science tells us it may take up to 10 tries to be successful at quitting smoking. And, as unique as everyone is, it might take many different ways for different people to quit. Some can quit cold turkey, others need NRT's, and what we're finding out, even in reports from the American Cancer Society, some hardcore smokers may need to use more than one NRT. I have met reformed drinkers and smokers that think they can bully people into quitting, rather it be drugs, drinking, or smoking. I hope the newbies on this site don't pay attention to that BS. I really don't think those people know that they are the primary cause of relapse and of people not bothering to come back.

Connie

constanceclum

37 days smoke free

Posted by constanceclum Nov 12, 2014

for me that's1,480 cigs not smoked and $259.00 saved.

I'd like to thank everyone who told me about Sarah and her NML blogs. I also went to her sight and read some of her blogs. I don't know how I missed her, but I'm so glad I found her.

Wishing everyone a happy and smoke-free day!

Connie

constanceclum

Hi Everyone!

Posted by constanceclum Nov 11, 2014

Can anyone tell me where to find NML blogs?

Keeping it short for today. Overslept as I didn't get much sleep last night.

Hugs to all of you,

Connie

constanceclum

Hello my online family

Posted by constanceclum Nov 10, 2014

I am, today, 5 weeks without a sickorette. I could never have done this on my own. God has blessed me with an easier quit, and this site has helped me get through the tough times. And there has been some tough times. I have been challenged every step of the way. I have smoked for 43 yrs., 2 packs per day. If I can quit, anyone can. I do have severe copd and I will say, if you keep smoking, and something else doesn't kill you, lung cancer or copd will.

I saw my psychiatrist today and told him I felt like I was going through my seasonal/holiday depression so he did some switching of meds. He did say that quitting cigs could add to my depression.

I have had a lot of issues with my pulmonologists office staff, not scheduling tests or scheduling for the wrong times. This is concerning my lung nodule. The nurse practitioner said I should have my repeat test this mo. in Oct. No one ever got back to me. I talked to the nurse twice and she told me the Drs. notes said I would have it in Jan. No one informed me of anything until I made several phone calls to his nurse. This same Dr. never told me my copd had advanced to stage 4. I found out when I went to the ER with several days of palpitations.  It was on my discharge papers. When I asked him why I hadn't been notified by him, all he said was "well you kept smoking" Blame the victim" I don't really feel like a victim, I refuse. I just feel like in the past yrs. Drs. aren't communicting with pts.

Anyway this was not supposed to be a whining post. 5 weeks smoke free is a miracle.

Haven't been on here in a few days and no I am not smoking. I don't know what was wrong with me but I have bee so exhausted. I have literally spent up to 16hrs/day in bed. My husband pointed out to me whenever it starts to get colder, I have depression problems. Thank God I see my psychiatrist on Mon. I am so glad of the stability of this site. I can be gone but you guys are still here!. I've been reading blogs but can't tell if we've lost anyone. I hope not. I need to get up and moving, otherwise it will end up to be time for a nap.

Connie

constanceclum

feeling grateful

Posted by constanceclum Nov 3, 2014

I forgot the most important blessing in my attitude of gratitude blog yesterday.. 4 weeks without a sickorette!!!

constanceclum

Attitude of gratitude

Posted by constanceclum Nov 2, 2014

I still am not chipper but I am realizing that so many have it so much worse. I need to change my self talk. It's becomming winter in NC and I don't tolerate that well. My husband works uptown and he pointed out all the people that are sleeping on the benches. I am sure that the wrong party (in my opinion) is going to take over the senate. At least I am in a Country where I am free to vote, where many people fought and died for my right to vote. No I can't send money to the humane society, but I have 2 cats that are fat and spoiled. Right now I don't have a bff but I am starting to have a lot of friends on this site. My sons are not in NC and I haven't seen them in a long time but they are healthy working and happy. I will not have a family xmas but my husband and I will have each other and a good dinner. I can walk and I will walk tomorrow to a restaraunt and have coffee and read my book because I can see and I had a good education. I know so many people that have to rely on the bus but I am fortunate enough to have a car. I'm done with feeling sorry for myself.

constanceclum

Can't think of one

Posted by constanceclum Nov 1, 2014

Still depressed. It's kind of obvious by now that I get like this when the seasons change and my kids aren't here for the holidays. They always say, the first thing to fix a problem is to acknowledge it. I see my psychiatrist on Nov. 10. I am not smoking and that is the most important thing

constanceclum

depression

Posted by constanceclum Nov 1, 2014

Today is a new day and I have a new out look. I am in control of my own happiness and I alone need to make the changes. For the most part I have been stable on my meds but I do go into a funk around the holidays. I see my psychiatrist on the 10th. so maybe he'll make some tweeks. Hoping everyone has a wonderful day.