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2014

For some people the glass is half full. If it's half empty there is still room for wine. I really appreciate all the encouraging comments on my negativity blog. Having you guys really helps. I think the best advice I got was from my friend who lives in the outer banks of NC. I use too live there too which is how I met her. I was so much more grounded living near the ocean. She suggested omharmonics which I never heard of but I will look into. I have bipolar depression, I live in a dark gloomy apt with no sunshine or ventilation, I am in a rut that all my girlfriends have moved and I have no life. I am overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Not smoking has been surprizingly easy but I am my own worst enemy. Scott is content to work fulltime and spend all his off time in the apt. He is so not social. I'm sort of introverted but I need to get out more and have at least one girlfriend to help me stay balanced. I am so off track right now. I will start walking, stay off the computer, turn off the tv, medicate. My best friend for over 15 yrs. wants to move back to Charlotte but right now her sone is recovering from leukemia. I am really rambling but I am lonely and just want to talk. Also my 4 grown sons live in Va, NY, and Pa and I miss them terribly.

constanceclum

the glass is half empty

Posted by constanceclum Oct 31, 2014

For some people the glass is half full. If it's half empty there is still room for wine. I really appreciate all the encouraging comments on my negativity blog. Having you guys really helps. I think the best advice I got was from my friend who lives in the outer banks of NC. I use too live there too which is how I met her. I was so much more grounded living near the ocean. She suggested omharmonics which I never heard of but I will look into. I have bipolar depression, I live in a dark gloomy apt with no sunshine or ventilation, I am in a rut that all my girlfriends have moved and I have no life. I am overwhelmed and don't know where to start. Not smoking has been surprizingly easy but I am my own worst enemy. Scott is content to work fulltime and spend all his off time in the apt. He is so not social. I'm sort of introverted but I need to get out more and have at least one girlfriend to help me stay balanced. I am so off track right now. I will start walking, stay off the computer, turn off the tv, medicate. My best friend for over 15 yrs. wants to move back to Charlotte but right now her sone is recovering from leukemia. I am really rambling but I am lonely and just want to talk. Also my 4 grown sons live in Va, NY, and Pa and I miss them terribly.

At what poing did we as a society become so full of negativity. Am I just remember the past through rose colored glasses. I grew up in the 60's and became a woman in the 70's and I just don't remember all this crap. I can't remember the last time I really laughed at something. Last night I was on facebook bombarded with political stupidity even though I am continuosly deleting. Not that I don't vote. I'm just sick of their ads and the massive amts of money spent on them. At the same time the Humane Society came on tv with their wounded and neglected animals, then the wounded warriors, St. Judes. Every time I leave the house I'm bombarded with signs designed to separate me from my income. I am going to start trying some meditation and none of this has made me want to smoke but I'm thinking of moving to the country and getting rid of tv and computer. Sorry to rant on here, just had to get this off my chest.

constanceclum

"Death to Selfie"

Posted by constanceclum Oct 29, 2014

That has been my pastors series and it seems appropriate for me right now. I really have been self centered the past few weeks, but I find when I can get out of my own head and the me, me, me's of a 2 yr. old, this process is so much easier. My friend for a decade now has been diagnoses with breast cancer this past week. She is only 40 and quit smoking 6mo. ago. She does not use this site. She has tests and scans all week to test for any spreading and I hate that she is going through this. However, I have found that since all my thoughts have been with her, I have not had a single crave.

Today is 21 days without smoking. I am truly an EX. I'm one of you. I usually do not feel part of anything but I feel part of this family. I know hard times are still to come, but I also know I've overcome the worse and that God will keep blessing me with an ability to stay above the craves. 2nd to God the credit goes to EX and a tiny bit to the patch. I've been feeling more good than bad physically and I know not smoking has a lot to do with that.

Love to you all and wishing you a wonderful day!

constanceclum

Devils in the nicotine

Posted by constanceclum Oct 26, 2014

One of my favorite Hank Williams Jr. songs is Devils in the Bottle but right now he's in my craving. I had to get on here STAT! I had the worse crave yet. I thought my head was spinning aroung like the exorcist and the crave was like a huge tidal wave washing over my. I will not give in, today is day 20 and this is my life I am talking about. It is passing so I would say it lasted 4-5 minutes. Definitely not worth giving into. I am so glad for this site. You guys set me straight.

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Yea!!!!!!!!!!

Posted by constanceclum Oct 24, 2014

It's a good, non-smoking day. I slept good last night up on pillows and no reflux. I feel really good today and I'm not going to let copd to any other health problems ruin it for me! I read so many blogs on here of people facing huge diversity and remain smoke free as well as people who, by quitting smoking, are are able to achieve so many dreams. I am sick of listening to myself whine. On toward the day when I can be an inspiration to someone.

I went for the screening for this inhaler study and didn't qualify as my breathing wasn't good enough. It's ok, there are several more studies coming up in November. I did get to see my pulmonologist and he is going to set up my apt. with the cardiologist for and echo and stress test. I will also go back to my gastroenterologist and have more tests. He had prescrbied nexium for me which worked the best but my insurance won't pay for it. I hope to see some improvement now that I am done smoking but gerd is dangerous and can cause cancer in the esophagus. I hope very soon I will be able to get on here with good news only!

constanceclum

short blog

Posted by constanceclum Oct 22, 2014

I didn't blog yesterday, but I read blogs. I'm just still having some health issues-not copd related. I had an apt. with my pulmonologist today but I was up with reflux all night and couldn't get myself up and running. I'll see him tomorrow for visit 1 of my new inhaler study. I've been having some palpitations today so I know I can't put it off. Just wanted to let my EX(new online) family know I'm not smoking and getting out for walks and stair climbing.

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addendum

Posted by constanceclum Oct 20, 2014

I just want everyone to know today has gone very well. My husband has pretty much gone off the deep end over my new diagnosis of stage 4 copd. I am doing fine. I can do all the right things, choose to stay away from any lung irritants, contingue with my journey with the Lord that I love very much. I am fine. I don't even think I have many symptoms of this level of severity. I'm not that short of breath and I'm not coughing. I'm even off 1 of my inhalers for a new inhaler study that I am participating in. My husband has been a basket thing. What a wonderful thing denial is. He is now facing reality. He balled like a baby and he is smoking outside. I knew there would come a point where he would do this. Thank you all for your comments, support and encouragement.

After being so frustrated yesterday about the clock on my page, I got on here this morning and was literally lol over what a typical "Connie" thing I had done. I patiently played around with it using Jennifer's advice and was able to get rid of it. I have had 3 days this past week of palpitations that lasted on and off for hours with extreme weakness and lightheadedness. I finally had enough and called the ambulance last night. My husband had been drinking most of the afternoon while watching football. The paramedics measured my oxygen level and it was 91 which is very low. 99 is normal for nonsmokers and mine is usually 95-96. After they put on oxygen I felt better. The Dr. at the er said I needed to have a monitor on for a few days but all my tests were normal. They did a chest xray. I didn't notice until I got home that he diagnosed me with end stage copd. My primary Dr. in August diagnosed my with severe copd. Neither of these Docs had done a pulmonary function test which is what you normally guage your level of copd, but I am not surprised if it is severe. It was moderate for several years while I still smoked. Anyway I am calling my pulmonologist today and see what he recommends. I am not freaking out. I looked up several sites on google and end stage copd is not an immediate death sentence if I take care of myself. This means my husband will definitely have to smoke outside or move. I find it hilarious how upset I was over something so silly as a countup clock. The important thing is I have 2 weeks smoke free today. I even forgot to change my patch last night and didn't notice any difference in how I felt this morning. Sorry this blog is so long. I will try not to be so chatty in the future. I'm so disappointed in my beloved Panthers but my husband is sure happy about the dolphins. 

Not about smoking though in previous quits I would have used this as an excuse. For the past 2 weeks I have stubbornly tried to paste a clock to my page. I would find 1 I liked, change the date and time, copy and when I got back to my page and right clicked I would not have a paste option. So I googled my problem and tried what they suggested and not I'm in a nightmare. I have several very large clocks without  my date/time and when I right click there is no delete option. I do know a friend that is very tech savvy but I'm not sure when he will be available and was hoping, in the mean time someone here could help me. Then I'm done with worrying about a clock. I know the day I quit anyway and I'm sure I will not forget it. Wishing all of you a wonderful (football) Sunday. Go Panthers and Dolfins!!!

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What a wonderful day!

Posted by constanceclum Oct 18, 2014

Day 12 is the best day so far. No cravings and when I think of cigs, it is with a feeling of detachment. I literally don't smoke. For probably decades I had a habit of getting out of the shower, smoking and then drying my hair. Today I realized that several minutes had past and I hadn't even thought of a cig. My husband is off and he is taking a nap. Cigs and ashtrays all over the place and I just don't care. I know it is not healthy for me for him to be smoking in here but through AA and the serenity prayer, I have learned to let fo of what I can't control. I know I will still have difficult times ahead but for the 1st time, I feel FREE! I have the knowledge that no matter what I'm up against I don't have to smoke. It's because of all of you! I have been using this site since April 2013 and had many quits and failures because I never truly believed I could do this but you guys have finally instilled in this hard head of mine that I can do this and I will. I'm feeling a huge amount of gratitude to all of you. If your new and you relapse, just get right back on the horse because eventually something will click and you will go from a smoker to a nonsmoker.

constanceclum

busy day

Posted by constanceclum Oct 17, 2014

Doing well today. This sure has been a roller coaster the past 11 days. I either feel really good or I feel like crap. I have no idea what is withdrawl and what is really physical. Sometimes I feel like I'm dying and that passes and I almost feel euphoric. Of course I am bipolar and have had panic attacks a couple of times this week. I haven't had a panic attack in a really long time and I am wondering if quitting nicotine is bringing them on. Whatever I will not start smoking because of them. God knows I had hundreds of them when I did smoke. Is there anyone out there teck savvy enough to help me with a start up clock. I find one I like, I copy and go to my page and don't get a paste prompt when I right click. I've tried numerous  times from several sites. I would appreciate any help as I think looking at that every time I'm on here will be extra motivation. Everyone have a great day! Connie

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double digits

Posted by constanceclum Oct 16, 2014

Day 10, another milestone! I can't say it's been easy but it has been doable. I'm taking everyone's advice and get on here a couple times/day. It's time to start concentrating on what I'm eating. I started this journey being 25# overweight and I'm sure I have gained another 5-10#. I don't eat carrots but I can certainly get some grapes and other healthier foods besides chips and cupcakes. I will say I've had some obstacles. Whenever I try to do something positive for myself, I swear the devil tests me, but this time I am winning and it's giving me more confidence that I can really do this. I am getting through that fear of failure that I've always had whenever I tried to quit smoking. I also have a huge amount of gratitude to this site and all the elders that stick around to help us newbies. You are a Godsend. I hope each and everyone of you have a blessed and smokefree day!

constanceclum

feeling like crap

Posted by constanceclum Oct 15, 2014

I have had a rough couple of weeks since I quit smoking starting with my tooth and, for the past couple of days, nasty antibiotic side effects and I haven't been on here as much as I should but I still haven' smoked. I do get on here to read blogs, I just don't respond. I am having a rough morning with cravings but I'm doing better after reading blogs and making new friends. After this I will get something to eat and I will have a strong craving for a little while after that but by the time I clean up it will be gone. I also play a lot of computer games. I was at my lung Drs yesterday to participate in another inhaler study and they were all so impressed that I was on day 9. Very supportive as all of you are. I wish all of you a beautiful fall day as we are having in NC in spite of the storm we had last night.

constanceclum

a milestone

Posted by constanceclum Oct 12, 2014

It's the start of day 7, 1 week without smoking. I have only made it this far twice before. It is firmly implanted in my mind that I can get through a rough time without a cig and I can watch my husband smoke and still choose not to have one. I had an AA sponser tell me once that his drinking is none of my business, and that he has his own God. It's the same with smoking. I have had some difficult moments this past week but all in all this has been the easiest week of not smoking that I have ever had. Just accepting the fact that smoking means death to me and living in misery with coughing and shortness of breath. I have had mental obsessions of missing them and feeling a void, of course I would after smoking 43 yrs. but after reading Thomas' blog about not looking back with nostalgia but looking ahead with anticipation gives me 1 more focal point. I am so grateful to all of you, that this site is in existance. I wonder how many lives have been saved of quality of life has improved. Wishing you all a blessed day!

It's day 6 for me and I am noticing less physical cravings but more mental obsessions. I am continually thinking of cigs. Of course it doesn't help that my husband is home and smoking. I am encouraging to smoke outside. A friend stopped by today and is looking for a babysitter for her yr old granddaughter that she has custody of. I know that this would be so good for me to have the responsibility of this beautiful baby but the 1st thing my husband said was we could not keep a baby here because of his smoking. Again the answer is for him to smoke outside. I am not going to give up an opportunity to have a purpose to get up in the morning, make a little money and have more motivation not to smoke. It's time to eat and I think I have 1 more day under my belt.

constanceclum

confusion and spaciness

Posted by constanceclum Oct 10, 2014

Well I did get the tooth pulled this morning. Affordable dentures has good prices but they don't give apts. It's one of those deals that you have to show up at 6:30 am and it's 1st come 1st serve. I am happy to say that I am still not smoking. The dental assistant gave me my instructions one of them being don't smoke for 24 Hours and it felt so good to say "not a problem" I've actually had extractions in the past and I smoked as soon as I got in my car. I have to admit that my brain is not functioning well. I can barely hold a conversation. How long does that last? Today is day 5 and cravings are still worse that day 1&2. I am spending a lot of time on the computer, drinking a lot of water and eating like a pig. I'll worry about the weight gain later. Of course I'm not eating much today due to the tooth. I am looking forward to reading everyone's blogs tomorrow and hope you all have a good evening.

constanceclum

struggling

Posted by constanceclum Oct 9, 2014

I haven't been on here as much as I should the past couple of days. Busy trying to take care of these teeth that need to be extracted. I went to my Drs. yesterday and got antibiotics and found (finally) affordable dentures which will pull these teeth for half as much as all the other dentists I contacted. It seems I am having stronger cravings today (day 4) than the 1st few days. Maybe it's the stress of this dental stuff but I haven't given in.

So grateful for all of you. You guys are the reason I have made it 4 days. I'm looking at short goals. 1 week, then 1 month. All the while taking it 1 day at a time.

constanceclum

day 2

Posted by constanceclum Oct 7, 2014

Hey everyone, I really appreciate the support and encouragment. I got through day 1 fairly easy and it is now day 2 and so far so good. I truly believe this is a blessing from God as mornings are usually my toughest time. Have had a tootache and woke up today with the right side of my face realy swollen. Not sure I could smoke if I wanted one. It will definitely be a deterrent.  I agree with everyone that my husband should smoke outside and he frequently does. I just need to get him to commit to smoking 100% outside or to quit with me. He has copd too, not quite as bad as me but he definitly seen symptomes.

Anyway I will have to spend today figuring out where to go to get this tooth pulled. I have a limited amount of money and I need to get patches/lozenges.

Hope everyone has a wonderful, smoke free day!

constanceclum

my forever quit

Posted by constanceclum Oct 6, 2014

Well it's day 1 for me and I am so glad to finally be here. The last 2 weeks of preparation has felt like a month. I think the cutting down has really helped. I am having mild to moderate cravings and have only had 1 lozenge today. I am also using the patch to help stay more comfortable as I have failed so many times totally due to the discomfort of the strong cravings. I am not naive, I am so aware that day 1 is not the hardest, I just feel more confident. I also am not in denial. I have severe copd and will not live for another few yrs if I keep smoking. I will say that my cough has pretty much gone away and I am getting more sleep because of that which is good because I am exhausted. Because of the copd I am not very active but my lung Dr. says it is just as important to exercize the lungs as anywhere else so I am climbing 18 concrete outside stairs to the 2nd floor of the apartments I live in twice/day. I will also mention that I am bipolar which increases the level of difficulty in quitting smoking but for the 1st time in decades, I am stabilized on medication. I do have the challenge of having a husband that smokes but when I get to the point where he realizes that I am going to make it this time, I am going to ask him to smoke outside.

I love the support on this site. I am so grateful that the elders are still here, how encouraging is that? I am also grateful for the newbies as we can support each other by recognizing each others days quit and share symptoms and what we are using for quit aids. I know that there are minutes that feel like hours and hours that feel like days. We can support each other during those difficult times.

I will close for now. This is lengthy enough. Wishing everyone a wonderful smokefree day!