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2014
constanceclum

To all my ex friends

Posted by constanceclum Mar 24, 2014

I wrote a previous blog but it turned out be way to long. The simple fact is I have been both drinking and smoking.  I had just picked up my 6 mo. chip in AA last Fri. It seems like as soon as I get comfortable with 1 anxiety provoker another one comes along. I really have accepted 100% that if I want to live I have to quit smoking and if I want to quit smoking I cannot drink.

I have been watching my best friend since childhood mentally spiral out of control for the past mo. or so. The whold process of events has been much longer and I could write if I had the energy. On Mar 19 she was declared missing by the police. I knew she would never leave her pets and I convinced myself she was dead. Mar. 19 was also my Dad's 1st birthday. since he committed suicide last April. I was so devestated I did what I always do drank and smoked. Eventually my friend turned up @ her house and I had to go to the magistrates office to have her committed. She's talked to me a few times but now thinks I'm part of the conspiracy theory and does not want me to call her. I'm very broken hearted over this but I'm working on gettin my sanity back.

I will go to an AA meeting and I will post a new quit date on here. I want to thank everyone for leaving messages. I thought of you guys everyday and didn't want you to worry. I've been up to my eyebrows with this and also to find someone to take care of the dog

 Love you all

Connie

constanceclum

2 days

Posted by constanceclum Mar 18, 2014

I think I have accepted 100% that I cannot smoke and that is making it a little easier to handle. In my heart and head if I want to live and be able to breath without feeling like I have a 10# wt. on my chest  I cannot smoke. I had a few bad times yesterday-in the morning and after my husband came home smoking like a chimney but I got through them from this site and staying busy.

I appreciate all the supporters on this site. The newcomers who are going through this the same time I am and the elders who haven't bailed even though they may not even think of the nicodemons anymore.

Hugs to all of you

Connie

constanceclum

back on the train

Posted by constanceclum Mar 17, 2014

and my happiness to be here far outweighs any uges. I don't care about the nodule or spots on my lung or my husbands smoking. Thanks to the support of all of you, I am stronger than they are. I will continue to have faith that my health will be taken care of and keep distracted from my husband. He goes outside most of the time but the more he drinks the more he smokes and some of the time this is in the house. This does not matter. The 4 days I smoked were horrible. My chest was so tight and I was really short of breath, especially right after I put one out. I had been using my inhaler 0-1 times/day and was right back up to 4 times. I was light headed due, I'm sure, to low oxygen. When I smoke, my oxygen levels are in the low 90's and upper 80's. When I went to the Dr. last week after not smoking for awhile it was 99. I am so glad to have a place to come for support and all my friends on this site. You literally save lives and improve the quality of life.

I love all of you

Connie

You have conviced me, again, that I really can do this.

The reason I am waiting until Mon is that my husband will be here all  w/e with his alcoholic drinking and chain smoking. I've learned how to not drink because of his drinking but it is still way harder with the not smoking. I will take a pledge to through whatever cigs he leaves behind torn up and in the trash/or water.

I will still come here for the support and encouragement.

Thanks to all of you. You're great

constanceclum

slip

Posted by constanceclum Mar 14, 2014

sobriety lost it's priority. That's what we call it in AA anyway.

I didn't think I was so nervous about my lung cat scan or going to the Dr. for the results. Then my husband left cigs when he went to work. He had been taking all the cigs with him when he left @ 4:30 am. I asked him if he was trying to sabatage my quit. He assured me he wasn't but I'm not sure. My new quit date is Mon. with patches because now that I'm not wearing one, I'm finding that they really do work.

As far as my results go, I have a 1/2 in nodule that he doesn't think is cancerous and 10 other spots that are to small to measure or evaluate. He offered me the choice of removing the nodule now or waiting 2 months and having a pet/cat scan. Since he is comfortable with waiting, I have decided to do that.

Before anyone feels the need to write negative comments, no smoking is not making this any better. I already know this. However, I have used cigs for 42 years to relieve stress and have only been off of them for a couple of weeks.

I love this site, even gave it to the Dr. for his other pts which he was very grateful for.

Hope everyone is getting on the freedom train today and breezing right along.

Love you all

Connie

constanceclum

misunderstanding

Posted by constanceclum Mar 10, 2014

I so appreciate all of the feedback from my previous blog. However I think there may have been a misunderstanding. My pulmonologist has ordered the cat scan. It's the radiology dept that hasn't sceduled it. I am going to call the Dr. and let him know as it has been 1 and 1/2 weeks. Tnanks for all your support. It means the world to me.

It's been about 3 weeks since they found the nodule in my lung and they still haven't scheduled my cat scan. At first I didn't even think about it but now I can't stop thinking about this thing growing in my lung. At 5 cm., they think it's ok, but when does it grow to the point that it's not ok. It's just aggravating. I was an RN from 1983-1999 and medicine did not use to be practiced this way. You would have gone right from the Drs. office to the hosp. radiology dept.

I know smoking will not make this frustrating go away but venting on here sure does help.

Love all of you even the ones I don't know yet just for being here and either have already or are going through all that I am with quiting

Connie

constanceclum

obsessed

Posted by constanceclum Mar 5, 2014

The really bad urges to smoke have passed but now I am constantly thinking about the nasty things. Allen Carr said this quit would be enjoyable but so far I'm not seeing it. I really believe his concept of being brainwashed-just not sure how to unbrainwash. It is 1 week today so I am probably expecting too much too soon. My husband who is at work now, smokes and wants me to have my head up his butt 24/7. So sometimes when I'm having a hard time and want to get on this site or read or whatever todistract myself he has a fit. Not doing much for my serenity. I have a Dr. apt this am. Still waiting to have my cat scan on the nodule on my lung. Waiting for medical apts, tests and procedures takes so long anymore and that is frustrating as well. Anyway it is still early and I fully intend to change my attitude because there are lots of blessings and I am smoke free! Hugs and kisses to all of you!

Day 5 and I finally don't feel like killing people. I know it still isn't going to be easy, but I feel like the worst is over. I know I'm not supposed to concentrate too much on dieting but when I went to the store I stocked up on fruit and veggies and no sweets. This way I can use food to help with urges hopefully without gaining weight. I am already 40# overweight so this is a huge issue for me.  Been busy this w/e so haven't been here over the w/e to blog. but I can't say enough about this site. Thank-you so much to my new chosen family