Fall is in the air here in NC, and I'm feeling so much better! It finally occurred to me that we got through each and every problem of the past 4 months, and we will get through this. And I never smoked!
I just want to let other people, new in your quits, that I have used this site for many years in my attempts to quit smoking. I have read thousands of blogs, and I never, not once, have I read one where someone expressed regret over quitting smoking. So keep on keeping on!
Blogging about all this crap. But it really helps. I'm so "ill" over all this I'm actually dizzy. But typing it all out helps it lose it's power. And I have friends that know all I've been going through. But they all have their own problems. Life just seems so much harder than it use to be, and not just for me. But I'm done for the day, and I just wanted to apologize for all the negativity.
So it is our transmission. We do not have thousands of dollars to put in this car. We do not have credit. I have owed so many thousands of dollars for healthcare that's accrued over several yrs. and keeps accruing that we can't get credit. We are having the car towed to find out exactly what's wrong with it and how much it will cost, but we live in a small town, not close to anything and no public transportation. My husband works in Charlotte about a half hour drive each way. He took tomorrow off from work because he can't get there and so we can figure out what to do. Please pray for us!
Today I have 50 days of freedom from the hidious cancer sticks. I am proud of myself because I have never made it this far! I blogged yesterday about how much stress I've been under for the past 4 months, and I'm going to repeat whe whining for the last time because there's an "in conclusion" now.
I had been on latuda for e yrs. given to me as samples from the county mental health clinic that I was going to. This medication is for bipolar depression and costs $1200.00/mo. There is no way I could even affort the co-pay. They had been telling me for several months prior that they weren't getting as many samples and in May they told me they didn't have any. This is a dangerous medicine to stop taking. You have to wean off it over months and under medical supervision. I weaned myself off it as best I could with the ones I had left-over about 3 weeks. I went through the worst depression and anxiety I had ever experienced, and it lasted for several weeks. At the end of May, my brilliant son who was going to grad. school for Data Science, went with his family to Myrtle Bch. where he decided to do a bunch of meth and ended up in jail. He lost everything. He add a history of alcohol and prescription med abuse but had never done illegal street drugs. On top of my depression I was already going through, watching him go through this totally broke my heart! He's out of jail now and in treatment, and will have to start his life completely over starting with nothing.. In July I had my 6 mo. CT scan which showed the nodule in my lungs had grown. This is highly incitive of malignancy, and I already spend a God awful amoung to money on medical expenses every month so I had no idea how I would even begin to afforddf cancer care even with insurance, and because of other health problems, I'm not a good candidate for either lung surgery or chemo. I had also got pneumonia in May which really had made my breathing a lot worse so I started thinking about quitting smokin and took the plunge on July 29. I had my Pet scan at the end of Aug. and found out last week that the nodule is benign so, finally, some good news. At the same time, my husband got really sick with pneumonia, copd flare up and possibly sleep apnea. Today, he called and told me we are having transmission problems. in our only car. We don't know the outcome yet.
So I'm depressed and have periods of anxiety. I don't know, for the life of me, why we are being so bombarded. I started wondering if maybe I am being severely tested by Satan to cave and start smoking again, because I have had so a hard time in NML. Well, I'm here to say, I will not give in. My story will be that, no matter what you go through, what kind of depression or anxiety or crap that life throws at you, YOU DON"T HAVE TO SMOKE OVER IT!!!
I'm 7 weeks free from smoking, and I feel like I just went through hell week all over again! It's extremely discouraging! I have been through 4 months of never-ending stress, and I'm wondering if that's the problem. Like my brain is insisting that smoking is how I've always coped. I haven't given in. I know how really p****d I'd be if I smoked, had that chest tightness and difficulty breathing then realizing that it didn't help anything. I am just really depressed, and I MISS the times when I smoked and never gave it a 2nd thought.
There was 1 lady that commented on 1 of my blogs that her hardest time was betwee days 21 & 60. I wish I could remember who it was. I know I can make 60 days. That's only 11 more days. I'm really hoping that's how it works for me.
I'm also very frustrated. I had already blogged about How sick Scott has been. He had pneumonia that turned into a copd flare-up and we think sleep apnea. I have talked, begged, pleaded and cried for him to start taking care of himself. He's a daily beer drinker, smokes 1 & 1/2 packs/day and also smokes pot. I've cried to him that I don'd believe he will live long, and I'm not ready to lose him, but he will not stop. He also does not eat healthy and is over weight. It's so heartbreaking to me because he's only 55.
I'll keep doing what I've been doing everyday for 4 months. I spend time with God every morning and turn all my cares and worries over to him. That has a calming effect and gets me through each day.
And I come here and read, read, read. And I feel the love of all of you, and it has a calming effect and gets me through each day.
I think I forgot to tell you, I read the online results of my PET scan and it appears the nodule is benign. I see the Dr in a couple of weeks. I don't understand why it grew, but I'll take that good news!
I had waited until after my trip to look at my PET scan results of the lung nodule, and I'm happy to say, it's benign. I just knew it was going to be malignant as it had grown. I don't see my Dr. until the end of the month, and I guess he'll explain it than. But, whew, what a relief.
My husbands been going through a terrible time. He's had a bad copd flare-up, and it looks like he has sleep apnea and possibly low oxygen at night. We never got insurance for him through work because of my high monthly medical expenses, we knew we would never be able to afford his $6,000 deductable. We are getting his insurance in Jan., but, for now, it's all self-pay. I really did not need to be facing a devastating illness myself right now, and God new that.
I'm at 44 DOF today and those ol' craving buggers have reared their ugly heads again. Today and yesterday have been pretty tough. I did pretty good in NY but I think, coming home was like a huge trigger. I'm not giving in though.
We had no problems with Dorian on my side of NC, thank God!
So Eric and Tracy miscarried on tues. Sad, but they are handling it well. As soon as she is healed, they will try again. My husband Scott went in the hospital tues for bad copd episode, but he is home now. He thinks he will be ok if he smokes cigars and doesn't inhale. I don't know anything about that.
I am still not smoking and doing fairly well with it. There's still uncomfortable times, especially in the morning, but it's not difficult to ride it out. I just have a lot more time on my hands here. My youngest son, his fiancee and there son Trent (2&1/2) are coming for the w/e so that will brighten our spirits.
Yesterday was a long day as traveling usually is. I have 5 weeks of freedom today! It was so nice to be a nonsmoker, waiting at the airport, flying two hours and then driving a couple of hours to my sons house. I have been having a great last few days with just minimal urges. I really feeling like a nonsmoker, and it feels great!!!
It's a rainy morning here and Fall! I left 90 degree weather so this is taking a bit to get used to. And I feel a cold coming on. I'm also feeling worn out. I'm not a young chicken anymore so traveling takes a lot out of me. It's ok though. We're just having a lazy day. Just planning on going to the lake this afternoon.
Wishing all of you a great labor day and God bless,
33 DOF!!! My old PC finally bit the dust the other day. I spent a long time trying to navigate this site on my phone, but that was horrible. It took me so long to find personal blogs,, then couldn't remember how I did it. so I gave up. I went and got a tablet which is nice but taking a bit to get used to.
So am I in NML? Not sure how that works for people using patches, but I feel like I'm just getting out of New Man's Land lol.Seriously, I have struggled with harsh craves. Week 3 was pretty good, but weeks 4 & 5 were like the 1st 3 days all over again. But it's been Nope for me all the way. Finally, yesterday and today I have felt like a nonsmoker for the most part. Some minor twinges here and there.
So tomorrow I leave for upstate NY to visit my son and daughter-in-law. I had my PET scan on Wed. but don't see my Dr. until the end of the month. I refuse to look at the results online until I get back.
Hope all of you are enjoying a nice smoke-free w/e and God bless,
So after blogging how great I felt this morning, I ate breakfast and then had a huge, craving. I had reached a point where that trigger wasn't bothering me anymore but, oops, there it is. I prayed, got busy, and remembered to deep breath.It passed after about 30 minutes.
Just a reminder to get through those tough days the best you can using all your tools! I'm starting my 5th weeks, and the past 3 or 4 days have been tough! I felt like I was back in heck week. I was discouraged but not willing to give in. I was frustrating, but smoking was not an option! I woke up this morning feeling great! Like a nonsmoker! As Dale says "we have to go through it to get out of it".
One would think that, if you are having negative physical symptoms that are caused by the psychology of your brain, you would be able to stop it by being aware of it. Not so from my experience this week. Wednesday AM, I took my patch off, got in the shower and realized I had forgot to put a new one on. I planned on putting a new one on when I got out of the shower but I forgot again. That was at 9:30. At 3:30, I was driving home from the gym and went to scratch my are (the patches cause me minor itching) and realized the patch wasn't there. I checked my other arm-no patch. I was amazed that I hadn't felt the effects of no nicotine all day, and I decided to leave the patch off, Sure enough, once I realized I was not getting nicotine, the cravings got pretty tough. I kept telling myself it was all in my head but it didn't help. I finally put a patch on because I was afraid I would give in to the cravings and smoke.
I had the worse craving that wouldn't stop at the infusion center today. I didn't give a 2nd thought about preparing for the clinic because, usually over the past 26 days, when I'm in nonsmoking situations, I do better, but this was a huge trigger.Then I realized that, over the past 2 yrs that I've been getting these infusions, that I've always had a horrible time as a smoker. I'm there between 4 and 5 hours, craving the whole time. When it was over, I would immediately go across the street, waiting for my husband to pick me up, and smoke 2 cigarettes back-to-back. When I realized what was going on at about 11:00, I kept telling myself that it was all in my head. Didn't help a bit. The craving finally left at about 4:30 and now I'm fine.
Moral of the story, triggers can happen anytime, even when least expected. Be prepared always!!!