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bonnie.s Blog

27 posts


Posted by bonnie.s Oct 16, 2020

Still here, still quit!  Husband is still fighting the good fight,.  Latest PET scan showed his tumor is continuing to grow, this even after chemo and radiation.  We've now been told he is no longer curable, only treatable as far as his symptoms go.  They say God only gives you what you can handle, I can't handle this.  Together we have a six year old daughter.  Everday I'm living in hell since this news.  


At the vets

Posted by bonnie.s Jul 29, 2020

Today, my doggie had a curbside vet appointment.  Basically what that means is I pull into a numbered spot and call inside to let them know we've arrived and they come out for my pet.  Isn't COVID fun!  I ended up being there, in my parking spot waiting, for over 2 hours.  My guy needed shots to be boarded in a few days while I go on vacation. I started looking around at all the cars, everybody was smoking :O for two hours I sat and watched car after car pull in and out and they all had cigarettes in hand.  Many were so young.  I was saddened to see so many young adults still taking up this nasty habit    I also took note to an older lady next to me crushing one out and lighting another several times before her dog was returned.  I remember doing that.  It felt so good to be the only non smoker in the lot.  #FREEDOM 


I MADE IT!!!!!!!!!

Posted by bonnie.s Jun 18, 2020

One year smoke free today 


Getting Close

Posted by bonnie.s Apr 2, 2020

My one year anniversary is coming up.  I can't believe I'm so close to celebrating a day I never dreamed possible.  I just have to stay safe from this virus,  could be real bad for me since I have copd.   I haven't been able to get on this site in awhile with so much going on in life.  Wanted everyone to know I'm still smoke free and thinking of you all.  Stay safe


More test

Posted by bonnie.s Dec 19, 2019

Tomorrow I'm having several more test done with the lung doctor.  In the meantime I'm waiting on my new inhalers to arrive in the mail.  One I will use daily the other, a rescue inhaler.  Also Flonase.  They were set up as mail order every three months.  Wish they would hurry and get here as I've really struggled with breathing the past two days.  I wish I had just used my own pharmacy instead of the doctors recommended mail order one to save money.  This waiting game is no fun when you cant breathe.  Still in denial that I have COPD  Maybe it will sink in after the next round of testing.  

Last visit to the ENT resulted in me getting a scope shoved in my nose and down my throat and him ordering a fine needle biopsy of both the nodule on my thyroid as well as my swollen lymph nodes.  The biopsy will take place on the 30th.   In addition to that, I have an appointment Friday with the pulmonary Dr for some addition test.  Spirometry I know for sure.  With all this going on as well as dealing with my husbands throat cancer you would think smoking would be the last thing on my mind and yet I had a lot of thoughts yesterday about smoking one. I didn't of course but at times I wanted to.  Shameful!  Today I was fine however  


My Morning So Far

Posted by bonnie.s Aug 14, 2019

My husband had his first radiation treatment this morning at 8 am.  Took 30 mins.  We were told the following will be much shorter.  He will now be receiving them 5 days a week for the next 9 weeks.  After his appointment there was finished, we headed to the hospital where he will also receive his first Chemo treatment today as well.  Chemo will only be once every 3 weeks.  This treatment will last around 6 hours and my 5 year old daughter isn't allowed back in the treatment area so I'm now back at home until I get a call from the nurse to come back for him.  She said she'd call about 30 minutes before his treatment ends to give me time.  


Things of no importance really but yet I've allowed to upset me so far this morning,


1.  I made my daughter a cup of hot chocolate in the waiting room from the complimentary snack bar.  I didn't think it was as hot as it was and when she sipped it it burnt her tongue and she screamed and started crying.  A grown adult lady started laughing


2.  On the drive home I noticed through my rear view mirror as I turned onto my street a dump truck speeding behind me.  I figured I'd give my signal early as I know it takes the bigger trucks longer to stop.  The driver paid my signal no mind and rode my bumper as if to push me into my drive.  He/She probably could have cared less an innocent young child was sound asleep in the back seat.


I guess I'm just a little emotional today.   I will not smoke!


Day 56

Posted by bonnie.s Aug 12, 2019

Today was a rough one.  I had what seemed to be, an all day long craving.  It was strong and didn't let up   Still bad so I'll be heading to bed early.


Smoke Break

Posted by bonnie.s Jul 22, 2019

Over 30 days now and today I've had the biggest desire to smoke.  Out of the blue I thought about how much I missed smoking with my neighbor,  For years now I've stood out on my back porch smoking and chatting with my neighbor as he stood on his porch smoking as well.  We seemed to meet up several times a day for a smoke and chat.  Today I thought about it and felt depressed.  I bet he wonders where I've been.  I bet he misses our smoke breaks as much as I do.  This really is as much mental as it is physical


Heat Wave

Posted by bonnie.s Jul 20, 2019

This heat has been miserable today.  I've noticed I've really had a hard time breathing.  I had mentioned that I'm on my second round of antibiotics for sinus infections.  Doesn't seem to be helping me any.  Maybe need some additional test done   Worried!


Last night was great

Posted by bonnie.s Jul 19, 2019

I took my daughter to a town carnival.  We spent a good 4 hours there.  I didn't even think about it until we were leaving about how wonderful it was to spend the night enjoying her and the carnival without the struggle or worries of when and where I could get my next fix.  I did see plenty of smokers walking around, dodging behind stands to light up and puff.  I felt so happy I wasn't one of them anymore.  I was enjoying freedom not worrying about cigarettes.   


30 Days Today

Posted by bonnie.s Jul 18, 2019

Feeling great!  I've had some very trying times in which I've wanted to lite up but haven't.  Moving on.  Excited for 60!!! 


Why is this so hard

Posted by bonnie.s Jul 7, 2019

I had made it 6 months smoke free before I threw it all away   I've been smoking daily again since last July.  My husband, also a smoker was diagnosed at that time with head and neck cancer.  You think I'd never want to see another smoke after that, right?  Wrong!  The first thing I did was lit up.  He had surgery, very painful one.  Went from over 200 lbs down to 150.  He couldn't eat from all the pain of having half his throat cut out.  I watched him suffer and still I smoked   So did he, he couldn't eat solid foods but he could still smoke.  Long story short, he healed up and we went about life continuing to smoke everyday.  He was having really good check ups and life was grand.  Last month during a visit the dr felt a lump in his neck and did a needle biopsy, CANCER!!!!!!  Its back.  Since that he has had a port placed along with his teeth being pulled so he can begin radiation and chemo.  We are struggling but we are not smoking.  We cant.  We have to beat this demon once and for all.  


Bored and sick

Posted by bonnie.s May 5, 2017

So it's a little after 4:30 am here on the east coast.  I've been on this site since 3 reading post.  I couldn't sleep.  I have such a bad sore throat and runny nose with a slight headache.  I'm thinking strep.  Guess running around in flip flops when it's dropped back into the 50's here the past few days wasn't smart   I've enjoyed catching up on all the post here.  This site is great.  Being sick stinks but at least I'm not adding to it by smoking. 


Day 57

Posted by bonnie.s Mar 26, 2017

57 days.  WOW!  I can't believe I have finally, after numerous tries, made it this far.  I'm feeling great.  I did notice yesterday some shortness of breath out of nowhere.  Maybe just a chest cold setting in, I'll keep watch.  Cravings are few and far between but strong when they do come.  I've had several dreams where I smoke in my dreams, not sure what's going on there.  I've been spending my days staying as busy as possible.  Working on eating more healthy and I guess it's time to add some exercise to my schedule and get some of these extra pounds off that I added during my quit.  Since I stopped smoking I've been really wanting to improve my overall health.  Total package.  Been researching these so called "super foods" , their benefits and ways to cook them.  It's funny how stopping has made me more aware of everything.  Before it was a cig and a coke and McDonalds and didn't think twice about it.  Now I get just as upset when I see people packing into the drive thru as I do seeing them smoke.  Let's just hope I continue to think this way the rest of my life.  I never want to go back.