becks

It's raining today....

Blog Post created by becks on Mar 22, 2012

It's been raining all day which is not helping my sleepiness I am still experiencing.  I have had an interesting day today. This morning as my bus drove through downtown we came to a stoplight..looking out the window there was a  woman and a small child and she was smoking.  I watched her inhale, and exhale.  Her daughter just standing there.  It made me sad.  I never smoked like that with my kids.  I was a closet smoker until my son was 9 (he is now 17).  I am pretty sure he knew something because I always had a reason to go out to the garage to get something. He was 9 when I first smoked in front of him and I felt guilty for the first year. But I never stood in public smoking....As I watched her inhale and exhale I felt really bad for her.

After work as I stood waiting for my bus there were a few people standing in a group smoking at the bus stop. It seems like everyone I see is smoking. I watched them inhale and exhale.....It seemed magnified as they breathed in and out.  I started getting fidgety and dug in my bag for some water and gum.  I watched them for some time then got slightly uncomfortable and munched on my gum quickly...being thankful that I could see my escape as bus pulled up.

Then I got  home...Thursdays my husband comes home.  He works out of town Sunday to Thursday's each week so Thursdays we get to catch up on our week.  Well to my surprise this week.....he smoked.  He celebrated his two months last weekend and now he has two days. How could this be? I was shocked!  He said he felt terrible...sick about it.  Disappointed with himself.  I looked at him and said: "Honey, this is a fight you can  win...this demon will try to get you again and again and believe me I see it and feel it every day, but you have to resist and I know that you can"  I wasn't hard on him because he seemed to be doing a good enough job of that on his own. 

Each day is a fight to win over my addiction to cigarettes.  I know I am an addict.  I know those I see that are smoking are addicts too.  I didn't spend 32 years of smoking, smelling, hiding because I wanted to.  I know that it tries to grab ahold and wants to get back in to my life. Some days I have to grasp at any bit of strength I can muster to keep winning this fight.  And I keep telling myself "I am doing it" because I am!  I will not let anything or anyone take away my quit. I am a non smoker!

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