Turning Points, Blog #3, April-July 2014

[annb]

  Sorry for bombarding with two installments today. I wanted to get this one over with. Its going to the dark side. Getting kinda raw and real. 😞  But better days are coming in future post!  ~  Looking back thru my blogs it "appeared" I had started cruising along better again after my meltdown over taxes in April. I took my first Smokefree road trip. Long road trip to Alabama to see friends. I made it - no smoking. When I got back the poor car broke down in the middle of interstate in fast moving traffic. Semis were coming at me. I chuckled later that I had quit smoking to prolong my life but almost got hit by the "proverbial" truck anyway. I saw my life flash before my eyes that day. When the tow truck came the driver had my brand on the dashboard. But I was doing so well I wasn't even tempted! Now I ask you where does that strength come from? and maybe more importantly where does it go, why does it disappear???  I made it halfway thru NML. Thought I was doing this! May passed and June came. With June, finally came my Mom's inurnment. I got thru that without smoking. It wasn't easy. I wasn't happy but I was doing it. I was gritting my teeth and I was very tired. My strength had started to wane again. Danger Ahead!  I wanted to throw a pie at Dale and his 130 Challenge!!!  Hah! This awful craving was never going to go away!!!  This just wasn't going to work for "me". At about Day 70 or so I started spiraling downwards and by the time 117 days came I had absolutely had it!! At about Day 110, My cousin and her teen son came to spend a few days with me. They were moving back across country and staying with me to help with logistics. No lack of drama there!!!!  And yet while there are no excuses, when they left I said that is it and I went and got cigarettes. :(. I had that feeling like poor me, I've been thru so much, and been "good" for so long I deserve to smoke if I want!  Of course it tasted Terrible, made me sick, stunk to high heaven but the Addict didn't care. She was going to have her way!!!  Oh yes let's just shoot ourselves in the foot as a reward!!! Grrrrrr!!!!!  So July 17th I lost my quit!  I had drafted a blog that night and I should've posted it and hollered help. But nooo I didn't want help!  I wanted to smoke!   Here is that blog. I saved it because i never wanted to forget. Forgive me its a little dark and morbid. Not my usual self at all. 

  (7/17/2014

  To be honest. Not doing that well today in my quititude. I'm angry, resentful, sullen, irritable, frustrated and whatever. I want everyone and everything to leave me the f alone. I'm tired of people's critiques of me and advice and observations. I really, really am. 

  I don't know if having a cigarette would really make me feel any better but at this moment - well really all day - it seems that it would. And I'm tired, tired of battling this urge. Yes it's slightly less relentless than it was but then with a little break it seems to be reenergized to hit me harder. I just don't feel motivated to keep this going. I fear that I already am sick really. I need to get a chest X-ray and feel like why?? I don't want to know. 

  I'm in a baaaaad place. If I find out that I already have cancer I do not want to go thru chemo and all the rest. I don't have anyone depending on me nor do I have anyone to depend on to nurse me. I will not ask friends and extended family to go thru that. And I wouldn't want to be in the care of strangers. Sadly I don't have a real strong reason to fight to live. I'm not trying to get sympathy here. If I get sick I've done it to myself or at least greatly contributed. And I don't really think it's fair to go thru the expense and energy of fighting a losing war. I'm really feeling fatalistic I guess and I'm tired of being miserable without my crutch. I know I am acting like a weak baby. I know I'm a "shame" but right now I don't care what I even think of myself. Yes that's what addiction can do/does to a person and tonight I am too weak to fight it. 

  Haven't gone to get smokes yet.  I finally drank a glass of wine and it's taken the edge off a bit.  Gee just medicate with another drug - alcohol or be a glutton and stuff my face. Usually both. I don't feel like it but I'm going for a walk with my dog and my neighbor in a bit.  Maybe by then this will pass.  If it does not I don't know what I will do later. I may just go get a pack.). 

  ...... Which sadly I did - 

  And so started the descent into the nicotine addicts hell. You give in and smoke. You are almost immediately hooked again physically. (I know you newbies don't believe it do you?) But then you are miserable because you remember you hate it. It stinks. It makes you feel crummy. You vow to quit again. You stop and start and stop and start. You throw pack after pack away. Sometimes if you haven't destroyed them you get them back out of the trash. You go buy new packs. Smoke one or two and toss the pack. Oh my gawwwwd. How does one get like this!!!  Now you tell me, you aren't an addict!! Huh???  Maybe there's no needle in your arm but you ARE an addict my friend!!!  And you cannot have just one or two. You cannot play. This is deadly serious. To be cont.....