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alysonoholic Blog

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alysonoholic

Day 82!

Posted by alysonoholic Dec 5, 2018

As I approached my dentist's office for a three hour procedure this morning, it occurred to me that not so long ago I would have been sucking down one last cigarette so I could be "comfortable" for the whole appointment. What a sham this addiction is!

 

I definitely find the smoking thoughts few and far between now and I'm staying sober too so quite frankly I feel AWESOME. My depression has lifted and I'm less stressed at work because i'm not annoyed that I can't go out for a break when I want to. I have all this free time to do my things and I am relishing how clean my home is and how healthy I am feeling. I will say that my sugar cravings are still through the roof and I've been giving into them a bit lately so I haven't lost any weight but I haven't gained any either!

 

I started a 30 day yoga challenge and lemme tell you - I have probably failed to complete a 30 day challenge as many times as I failed smoberiety, but I am having no problem staying on track when I'm not distracted with smoking and drinking.

 

I got my temporary bridge today and I am sooo excited - in 2 weeks I get my fancy permanent. It's such a great difference and I'm looking forward to giving people a big smile.

 

I'm going to keep swinging through and lurking and keeping myself on track and I'll update when I can but I wanted to let people know that it does get better and it can be the greatest thing you ever do. My whole life has changed in wonderful ways and I look forward to keeping this quit forever.

 

Oh! I found this adorable "needlepoint" a few months ago and I keep forgetting to share it with y'all - it's a fun way to remind myself to stay on this journey. 

alysonoholic

Ughhhh, NML

Posted by alysonoholic Nov 13, 2018

Boy, I was scootin' right along until night 49 and had that beer - since then the cravings seem to be more frequent than ever; I've definitely had to talk myself out of stopping by the smoke shop at least once in the past 10 days. 

 

But here I am, hours away from 60 DOF and hanging on with all my strength because I KNOW how good I've felt and all that extra money has been awesome and this is just making me more resilient, right?

 

I have an appointment tomorrow to get wax molds of my teeth/mouth and do a full consult on a permanent bridge, so I'm trying to stay calm and be happy that I'm moving on to the next step and I have options but I am wondering what this is ultimately going to cost. Even though my Mom is paying for it and had budgeted for 4 implants, there are limits to her generosity.

 

Anyway, I'm here again just trying to stay focused and enjoy being smoke free.

alysonoholic

49 DOF!

Posted by alysonoholic Nov 3, 2018

I am so happy to be at this date again; certainly more happy than I was the last time I hit 49 days. It truly has clicked that I have not given anything up or lost anything - I'm actually winning the game this time. 

 

During a particularly difficult moment yesterday the thought of just smoking a cigarette "to feel better" popped forcefully into my consciousness, or even having a beer to "relieve stress." I did neither. As much as I truly realized that those things would not fix that noise coming from the struts in my car or explain why my loafy senior kitty turned down food for the first time in his life and is having problems with his throat, a lot of it had to do with not wanting to give up those 48 days. 

 

This morning I drove my car to the mechanic (for the 2nd Saturday in a row) and then walked a mile home in the rain (it was nice, though) and my kitty has regained his energy and spirit and I'm really glad I didn't smoke. 

 

I have a first date tomorrow and it might actually be the first I've gone on as a non smoker since I was a teenager, so that's pretty exciting. I think I probably won't drink, but it's not really a rule I have in my life, I'm just really digging how it feels. 

 

Anyway, you guys are swell and I feel like I wouldn't have made it this far without all your help and education and camaraderie and commiseration.

Well, I saw the oral surgeon for a consult today and he let me know that I don't even have enough bone to graft to for implants for those front four teeth. It's quite the kink in my plans and I am actually really upset about how the referring dentist handled the whole thing from the beginning. The surgeon has referred me to yet another doctor because he wasn't very pleased, either. 

 

I sent a message to my longtime friend who is a dentist in New York; he has been pep talking me through this and has offered to be my second opinion going forward.

 

It's such a bummer all around and I am at least hoping that a bridge is possible because my denture is so uncomfortable and having to take my teeth out at night puts a major damper on my dating. 

 

Anyway, I'm not gonna smoke about it.

 

I've mostly been feeling pretty great these days with an occasional craving but they pass fairly quickly now. I've got another errand to run before I grab dinner but I'll come back tonight to try to catch up. Miss y'all.

 

39 DOF

alysonoholic

Taking out the trash

Posted by alysonoholic Oct 15, 2018

Yesterday I walked my trash and recycling to the dumpsters. That may be normal for you but I've actually been driving it over since I moved into this complex because they are halfway across our entire complex so they've really seemed soooo very far away and I usually have a few heavy-ish bags to take over. Recently I decided that I am going to walk it over as soon as I have a full bag so it's out of my hair and I can get a little extra exercise while I am at it.

 

Today marks 30 days since I have had a cigarette or alcohol. I mostly quit drinking because I knew how vulnerable I am to "social smoking" but now it just feels...right, I guess. Saturday night I went to a big ol' party where I didn't know very many people but I wasn't as anxious as I usually am going in and when I did start to think about bailing I went to my car, did a quick guided meditation and just got my ass back in that moment. Sunday morning I woke up to Bread and the beautiful sun with a weird sense of accomplishment and absolutely no regrets. It feels like another form of taking out the trash, really...

 

I'm doing really well, friends, and I am increasingly excited about how awesome my life is and can be as a non-smoker. 

 

I hope all of you are safe and sound today and I am popping in here to thank you for helping me reach my 30 days again! I'm sure I'll be here regularly as I trek through NML.

I bought these at Ross a few weekends ago in one of those "treat yoself" moments when I was already seeing how much money I was saving from my quit. I admittedly went a bit overboard in the beginning with my retail therapy but I've reined myself back in and instead of shopping, today I'm making myself be truly, really, actually productive. Not just "ooh, I got that little project done and that little project over there...I should watch a movie and chill" levels of getting stuff done, either. I've been pretending that I'm protecting my quit by changing my weekend patterns but at this point I just feel lazy.

 

I slept in later than usual but I suspect that I probably stayed up too late watching Dancing Queen on Netflix and then I also woke up about 5 hours later with horrible jaw pain (I think the wellbutrin is inadvertently making me clench my jaw but I am trying to be mindful of that) so I got up and took a few ibuprofen and got back in bed. Still, Cheese and Bread (my cats) made sure I didn't stay in bed very long after I woke up as they were ready and demanding to be fed immediately. 

 

I haven't turned on the TV yet (it's noon here) but I think I may put some 80s music on and get to gettin' on the work I need to do at home. I'm going to be quietly celebrating my 22 days of freedom while I boogie around my place with cleaning supplies in hand. At one point I didn't know if I would ever get past three weeks again so thank you, EX friends, for all your support and inspiration.

I was just toodling along for the past two weeks enjoying my quit thinking it was feeling pretty easy this time but TODAY was an ever growing snowball of aggravation that brought the cravings on hard. I dropped my phone as I was coming back in from my late lunch and shortly thereafter it completely went on the fritz and became completely unusable. I quickly realized that I don't know any of my email or social media passwords and the only other way to retrieve them is by having a code sent to....your phone.  So, I finally get enough information to start filing the insurance claim and that has been SO INCREDIBLY FRUSTRATING between the website not recognizing the shipping address as valid and then my card not being accepted for I-don't-even-know-why. Whatever, I had to give up at the moment so I could dash over to a Dr. appointment, though I did very little dashing in the inexplicably horrible traffic (because it was raining...in Seattle) to sit and wait for my Dr. for 40 minutes past my appointment time. I actually went to leave and collect my copay but she came out to grab me herself and was quite apologetic so I stuck around and caught up with her about the changes I've been making. She's going to give me a referral to a Behavioral Health Specialist and that would probably be pretty helpful for my anxiety stuff but I'm not really sure my insurance covers it.

 

Anywho, I came home to fire up the laptop so I could use Skype to call the insurance company again and attempted to pay over the phone but it failed again and now the claim is completely locked down for review (???) and where I originally would have been able to get the phone tomorrow, now it could take 24 hours just for the review. 

 

I have had to tell myself a lot today that smoking will not fix any of these situations. A LOT. I've had to remind myself frequently this afternoon and evening that all of this crud would still be there, not reduced or changed in any way. I guess I'm okay now - the ranting here definitely helped but I feel pretty humbled tonight. I've been reminded I'm not always going to be easily skating through this and I will be tested, most likely for the rest of my life...Hopefully a bit more sporadically as time goes on, you know?

 

I'm going to eat my favorite snack as dinner, watch Norsemen, cuddle with my kitties and let today go.

 

17 DOF

At 9pm-ish PST I will hit 13 DOF and I'm feeling pretty good about it, so far. 

 

Tomorrow will be two weeks! I have been so motivated to get my "stuff" together in the different levels of my life and I AM being a more responsible adult, in general. Now I'm using my time and money in ways that are going to benefit me so much in the long run instead of frittering them away to an addiction. My free time isn't being used to sit around and slowly kill myself with cigarettes and drinking.

 

I'm sure it's mostly because of the welbutrin, but the cravings haven't been nearly as bad as they were the past two times that I quit and I'm not having crazy mood issues... I'm feeling very blessed. At peace, even. The changes I've made to my daily routines are giving me more time to do things that enrich my life and the payoff is a surge of positivity and possibilities.

 

I do think I'm eating more but I am trying to make sure that at least half of my snacks are healthy-ish. My sense of smell and taste is slowly returning and that makes everything that much more tempting!

 

Anyway, I'm here everyday, reading or popping into a thread when I have an extra moment. You all are wonderfully helpful and I appreciate it so much that you all share your experiences here - thank you.

I am so very glad it's Friday, y'all. I 100% feel like I have a cold; I'm pretty well exhausted and completely congested with a sore/scratchy throat, plus my brain is totally muddled. I've got medicine for night or day, tissues, nasal spray, chicken noodle soup, kombucha, watermelon juice and I'm pretty sure I can make it through the weekend without having to leave my home, thank goodness. 

 

That being said, despite finding myself quietly muttering "ugh, I'm dyiiiiing" under my breath throughout the day, I'm not actually miserable...I know this is all part of the journey on the right path. I had the occasion to read some of my oldoldold posts today and I truly felt like a complete idiot for having backtracked so far on that road I have been on too many times before. I'm laying on the couch with my gentleman cat, Bread, watching Divorce Court (don't ask me why, I've never been married and I've been single for two and a half years so it clearly makes no sense,) I'm chugging water and I'll probably be in bed reading before the clock hits 10pm BUT I've officially made it one week without a cigarette (again!)

alysonoholic

Where my Night Owls at?

Posted by alysonoholic Sep 20, 2018

Over here in the beautiful Pacific Northwest I'm just now getting done with running errands for the night; finally the brassiere can come off and the slippers and sweatpants go on (fellas, you may not understand the utter bliss of that glorious moment, but lemme tell you - it's reallll good.) Still a few more hours until I'll grab my book and head to bed so I wanted to get some reading and catching up done at EX. I don't tend to have much time during the day for a blog post but I am trying to squeeze in comments and keep up with the goings on.

 

I'm experiencing slight headaches over the past few days and I have that coming-down-with-a-cold feeling that makes me think that I am starting to see the physical withdrawal symptoms. Ugh, my cough is so...juicy.

 

These types of things really bring home the fact that I am and have been an addict, period.

 

I've been taking vitamins every morning, drinking a lot of water and in general just focusing on keeping my body as healthy as possible. Oddly enough, I think getting in the habit of abstaining from booze and starting with intermittent fasting in the past month  really helped get me in the mindset to quit smoking! One of these days I'll actually check out the gym in the community center of my complex...

 

Anyway, I'm grateful to be here and for all of the support from Elders and examples/inspiration from all of those who are ahead of me on the path of this journey. I'm thirty minutes away from day 6 and I appreciate every single one of you.

 

P.S. the chat room on the QuitNow app is a complete dumpster fire compared to this place. 

 

P.P.S. I apologize in advance, I work in a recreational marijuana store with a lot of younger people and use a lot of slang/current idioms so if you're ever confused just lemme know and I'll happily get you hip 

No joke, I am typing this with one hand as I wolf down a Subway sandwich with the other. I have some real downtime this evening so I thought I would catch up here while I can! This is going to be a bit disjointed but I want to get it all down so I apologize in advance. 

 

To my complete surprise, the cravings have actually been pretty light so far and I'm definitely not complaining. Monday was tough; I had a work party after a full day's regular shift and MAN OH MAN, I thought so many times about asking one of my coworkers for a cigarette. I have been abstaining from drinking (which had become another unhealthy habit and was definitely happening at our Monday Night Football party) and will be for the foreseeable future because I really do want to guard my quit and I am so vulnerable when I've got a buzz! Then, yesterday, I spent 2.5 hours either driving to/from or waiting for an appointment that took less than 10 minutes but in that time I normally would have smoked at least 4 cigarettes and I had NONE. Today I got into it with one of my coworkers and normally my first response would have been to take a smoke break but afterwards I managed to calm down and move on with my day. 

 

YES, I'm still getting cues from my brain that slyly say "oh hey, time for a smoke" but I'm not getting any overwhelming cravings...yet...and I'm not falling for it.

 

I am proud of myself so far. Just a little.

 

I've been using an app that rounds up transactions on my debit card and invests that money for my retirement (oy, I am starting so late for this,) today I decided that with the money I won't be spending on cigarettes I can now afford to bump that amount up by at least $5 a week. 

 

I've been trying to be a more responsible adult-type person for a while now and I think I might be getting the hang of it, so far. 

alysonoholic

Creeping up on day 2

Posted by alysonoholic Sep 16, 2018

I decided I was going into self-imposed lockdown this weekend for the first few days of my quit, to avoid temptations and triggers. Although I've basically spent the majority of my weekend binge-watching Harlots and American Vandal with spurts of cleaning in between, so far I'm feeling...alright. I'm definitely starting to smell things again so, of course, food is even more tempting than usual. 

 

I had noticed, even before I quit, that because of the Wellbutrin I was feeling less compelled to smoke, in general. Unfortunately, I also had crazy anxiety for the first few weeks but things have settled down for the time being so I'm hoping it will continue to do both of the jobs it was intended to do. 

 

I also spent some time recently on a popular quit smoking app with a pretty big community but quickly realized that they are nothing like you amazing people here. I'm seriously so glad to be back and happy to have your support again. 

 

I am a little concerned about returning to work tomorrow - I used to smoke sooo many cigs while I was putting on my makeup in the morning, not to mention the one I would smoke as soon as I got out of bed, before I even took a shower. I'm getting straight in the shower tomorrow morning and I suppose I could use my breaks to continue my ASL course but I think I see a lot of gum chewing in my immediate future. 

And I'm sick of contributing to it.

At this point, I don't even remember when I relapsed but I've got a lot of really important reasons to finally quit again, for good, and the timing is pretty perfect right now. 

 

I'm setting my quit date for 9-15-18 & talking to a doctor next week to see what my best steps are moving forward, plus I still have Allen Carr's book...And a great support group in EX.

 

I'll most likely just be lurking and brushing up on my reading for the next few weeks, but "Hi! I'm back!"

Description

 

This is actually my second wind on becomeanex.org  - in February 2013 I quit for over 6 months before relapsing and realizing I was going to have to start all over again. So, I'm back here to get at it.

I've tried quitting so many times now it's not even that funny. I had basically been smoking since I was 13 (so, approaching 20 years now) and was tired of letting something so stupid and expensive run my life to the extent that it did.

In general, I am a very healthy person. I work out regularly, I eat well most of the time..it just seemed ridiculous to keep subjecting myself to being stinky and ultimately sick.

I know cigarettes don't actually bring anything positive to my life, it was just hard to think of a future that didn't include the habits I had built around them.

But now that I am 33 I am determined to live a healthy, well-balanced life and take more time to enjoy my home, my friends, my 2 cats, my city and a life free of cigarettes.

I quit 9/8/2013!


Brief Description

5ft. 4in. of silly seriousness, tattoos and mostly useless info


Website

www.alysonoholic.com


Location

seattle, wa


Interests

bikram yoga, hiking, jogging, reading, writing, cooking, planting/growing veggies & flowers on my balcony, hosting regular ladies nights at my casa


Skills

 


get your own myspace countup

I feel like I'm starting to understand the difference between NRT and cold turkey already. I haven't been irritable and the cravings haven't been awful yet but it definitely feels different than using the patch. 

But the waves of craves are hitting the shores of my brain, mostly on schedule - those work breaks and moments throughout the day that were typically followed with a cigarette. I'm a little fuzzy and fatigued but I am hoping that some yoga tonight will fix me up. I have been slacking the past few months but I am going to try a new studio nearby and see how I like their program.

In other news, my BFF (best friend forever) is moving from Seattle back to New York in a week and I have no freakin' clue what the heck I am going to do with myself. I'm also kind of freaked out that I'm going to be feeling a lot of feels that I am not used to over the next few weeks, so I am trying to come up with a game plan for coping. Maybe if I just submerse myself in my studying and exercising and writing I'll be able to distract and express myself enough that I won't just be a sobbing mess hiding under the covers. 

I do imagine I'll be here A LOT.

Since Sep 8, 2013: 
1 day smoke free,
23 cigarettes down,
10.35$ and 02:18:00 saved!