What the hell is wrong with me? And NO I do not think I am unique in any way. I want to make that clear. I do not suffer from terminal uniqueness like I have seen many people claim across my path of life. I know I am an addict to the core just like everyone else. But when I say......what the hell is wrong with me, I seriously mean why am I playing Russian Roulette with my life? Every single day I make a strong and firm commitment that I am a NON smoker. I have gotten rid of ALL smoking paraphernalia. I have read and reread the literature on whyquit.com and the blogs on this site. But I have not succeeded at quitting for good. So now I am asking myself questions.
Is it that I am not willing?
Is it that I am not able?
Is it that I am not ready?
is it that I do not really want to?
I have thought about all of these questions and only I can be the one to answer them honestly. I AM willing. I AM able. I really DO want to. This leaves me to the ......am I ready question. Am I ready for a life style change? Or am I still holding back thinking that I am giving up something and that I am somehow gaining something from smoking. Is this where I am stuck?
I do not even have this answer so I am certainly not expecting anyone else to answer it. I know that each and every day that I wake up and say I AM ready to be the NON smoker that I want to be. I WANT to live! I WANT to be healthy! I do NOT want to get sick from smoking. I want to be here for my nieces and nephew and now my Great nephew. I also want to be here for my baby kitties and not ever touch them with MY smoky hands by accident if I have forgotten to wash them and they somehow now lick the toxins I JUST PUT ON THEM! I just started a new job where I cannot be a smoker. So I do NOT want to play this game of showering before and not smoking while at work and having to do all that I used to do as a closet smoker. That is the old life of hiding, cheating and living a lie. That is so much work all for what? So I can poison myself and HOPE that I did not just light that ONE smoke that just made me sick!!!
So knowing all this.....I am still missing something because I ALLOW myself to still give into smoking. I am not going to make up an excuse whatsoever. I have seen blogs going back and forth about NRT's and whether people who smoke one should change your clocks. That's all on everyone else and their business. For me? I have to be honest with myself only and that means not taking one puff ever. I am here to save my life. I would also like to help others once I know enough in order to do so. I had over a year before and here I sit 15 years later trying to get past 3 days without smoking.
All I know is I will never ever give up. I am going to keep reading and learning from you. Because I am breaking the one rule......I am taking that first puff. I continue to put myself in constant withdrawal by quitting every other day. BUT I would rather quit every other day then smoke non stop EVERY day. And NO that is not rationalizing anything. I need to quit and stay quit. This is my destination and I will get there. I may be thick in the head or something, but never did get things right away. BUT I am so sick and tired of being in constant withdrawal. This is no fun at all. So I may not know much, but I DO know I MUST put an end to the craziness and once and for all quit for good. I am going to follow your lead. I will keep reading and reading until I cannot read anymore.
I know I am not giving up on myself. I have way too much going for me finally. I could not say that before. But I finally have the other pieces of my life pulled together. So this addict needs to become smoke free and join my fellow Ex'ers. I am an addict who has been sober for almost 2 years now. This has been my last drug of choice. I do not choose to stay this way anymore. So off to more reading so I too will beat this addiction as well.
Thank you for all your support once again! It means so much!
Ali
