- enough to scare the bejeepers out of ya! And it almost did! I got the news on Monday and Tuesday I called in sick. There was a huge blizzard that day. And that squirrel cage ran away with me. I was seriously considering make it quick - why drag it out?
But I thought I'd call my psychiatrist first. You know how Tommy refers to lifelines? He's not joking! Well, the psychiatrist wasn't in because of the blizzard so my call was redirected to the mental hospital and the intake therapist gave me no choice - she sent the police to do a wellness check. Cops show up - handcuff me because I was "detained" and said I was on a 72 hour psych hold - no choice.
Come to find out that the brain tumor may or may not be benign - only an MRI can tell for sure. Also go figure, the headaches weren't caused by the tumor - most likely - just stress. If the tumor is benign it can easily be removed because it's in the meningus of the brain. I know, sounds like meningitus, right? And they are related - just not in my case. I have a meningeoma. So think of meningus as a membrane of the brain - a coating. These tumors are often slow growing and 90% of them are benign. The point is nobody knows what the heck kind of tumor I have yet.
So I'm glad I stopped and thought just long enough to reach out for help instead of jumping to conclusions.
It reminded me of when I was contemplating smoking cessation. I jumped to the conclusion that I would be in withdrawal for the rest of my life. I thought I would always wish for a Sickerette and have to deny myself the "pleasure" of smoking. I wondered if life without nicotine would be worth living. I jumped to conclusions.
When I got to BecomeanEX I found out that folks who had just quit felt much like I did and that the folks who had a little time under their belt - say 3-4 Months felt quite different. People who had Years of Recovery didn't even seem to miss smoking at all! So I asked myself "what can I do differently to help me get to the 3-4 Month mark? It seems like an eternity to a newbie. But then I had smoked for 20 Years so in comparison - it's a sure miracle that we can heal so much in 4 months.
There's a big difference between "not smoking" and nicotine recovery. When I was not smoking I felt victimized, deprived, martyred, I gave myself permission to feel sorry for myself. But my last and forever quit I got more information and realized that I am releasing a damaging past behavior so that I can embrace a healthy new behavior. Like a monkey swinging on the tree branches - he lets go of the branch he has in order to grab the branch in front of him. Years of practice have shown him that it's safe to do.
Now we all have this secret power inside of us - the power to decide who I wish to be today. Not yesterday - not tomorrow - just for today. Just for today I will live with the uncertainty of my tumor. Just for today you can live without a sickerette. Let the uncertainty be - acknowledge it but don't let it rule you. None of us can change one iota of our past. None of us are really certain of our futures, after all! Each day we make the adjustments of acceptance that makes this day liveable.
We can choose to struggle against the cards that are dealt to us - whine and feel victimized by life, even give in to despair and thro the cards back on the table, or we can embrace with gratitude that which we have to work with and make the most out of us - just for Today! That's doable.
When you enter recovery from nicotine, give yourself permission to make the best out of this day - today. Stack those days and you will be looking back on a true accomplishment you can be proud of.
When I was in the hospital, I was asked what I would tell a friend in need. My response is if you don't like where you are sometimes you just need to wait a while and the Lord shows you bit by bit His purpose. Meantime just make the best of the crumbiest day you have. Carpe Diem. Take control. You don't have to believe every thought that comes into your head and you have to own your feelings but you don't have to wallow there.