This illness called COPD has me on a roller coaster! I've been sick again and for me, sckness leads to depression. They say depression is anger turned inward and I suppose that it makes sense that when I get sick I get angry all over again at myself for having smoked and allowed this Smoking Related Illness to invade my Life! I'm often like a drowning man who's grasping for the sunlight and air at the surface of the water! It just seems to get harder and harder to relax enough when I get to the surface to float there and stay awhile before COPD grabs me and drags me back down into the depths of despair! I just can't seem to find a rhythm of living where I feel safe. Even when I am doing well, a part of me is gearing up and anticipating the next sickness so I don't really ever let go and feel GOOD!
There's a huge part of me that wants to be the helpful - not the helped - that wants to wipe out this blog because I "shouldn't whine!" This even when I know that this is a Support Site and I have Friends and Family here who care about me - not just what I can do for them but what they can do for me! There's the part of me that says that needing help is weakness of Faith in God! This I know is also a distortion because as INDIN GRL says we are God's hands on Earth! So trusting others to support you is trusting God to act! Isn't the depressed mind a twisted thing? Even when you know better you still feel this junk! Good golly, I'm driving my poor Wife nuts! I imagine she's starting to see me as almost bipolar - either filled with enthusiasm, hope and optimism or totally down in the dumps and discouraged! I honestly don't know how she copes with me at times! I don't know how, but it's time to get a grip! All because I chose to smoke for almost 20 years and became ill with Emphysema! If only...
