This weekend, I overheard a short comment that sparked a fuller conversation within my own mind, after I had walked away. I allowed myself some presumptive liberties to fill in the back story, so grab a grain of salt if you choose to read on.
It seems that a sober-minded lady was given a bottle of wine as a Christmas gift, and she was telling a friend that she wanted to be rid of it. I overheard her say, “I could give it to my neighbor…he’s a stumbling drunk, anyway.”
Now, what follows are the chain of thoughts that played out in my mind…
This lady could have, on principle, declined the objectionable gift on the spot, either tactfully or not so tactfully. While declining a Christmas gift rankled of rudeness, I’m sure, saying “no” was a valid choice for this lady. And, it’s a valid choice we have, too, as ex-smokers, when offered a cigarette: “No.” “Nah, I‘m gonna pass.” “No, thanks, I quit smoking.“ “No, cigarettes are not an option for me.”
This lady obviously did accept the objectionable gift, though, and even brought it home with her. In private, she had the choice to open the wine…to pour it down the drain. But, she didn’t do this, because she stated the wine was still a problem she was having to handle. So, why didn’t she dump all the wine in the sink? Was that also being rude? Was it too much of a shame to “waste it”? Was it “throwing away perfectly good money”? Quite often, we see this same dilemma played out with smokers : “I bought this whole carton, so it’d be a shame to just waste it all. I’ll try to quit when I finish smoking the whole thing.” Or, when an ex-smoker caves in, buys a pack, smokes just two...then cannot bring themselves to “waste” the rest down the toilet.
This lady also had the choice to give the wine to someone who’d enjoy it, in moderation, and with no issues or qualms with alcohol. But, if this lady has strong opinions against drinking alcohol, then why would she pass along an offensive gift that violates her values? In a way, this touches on the philosophical issue that many ex-smokers have to figure out : “I do not smoke, but will I allow my guests to do it on my property?" "I choose to not be exposed to any smoke at all, so must I decline invitations from friends and family who do smoke?" "Would I ever date a smoker, or break up with someone who won‘t quit?" "How far out should I project my own values? Where are my limits?”
From the snippet I actually did hear, this lady was considering a solution that, in my opinion, was the worst choice of all - giving alcohol to a “stumbling drunk” who’d obviously take the gift. We see this same terrible “logic” played out in nicotine recovery, too : A non-smoking loved one buys a pack of “mercy smokes” for a newbie who is irritable or emotional or struggling ; a spouse misses smoke breaks with their newly-quit partner, and sabotages their success ; or a newbie keeps a pack of smokes in the junk drawer…“just because“.
For me, our “higher recovery” revolves around that philosophical issue I mentioned earlier, where each of us must stand up for our core values - never compromising with where the lines get drawn, or with those who test our boundaries. It’s something that requires time and thought and experience to figure out, and not everyone reaches the same conclusions, as is often proven right here in these blogs.
For those of you with less than 30 days quit, and for those of you at any point in No Man’s Land : Stay focused on the #1 goal of breaking the ritualistic habit of needing /wanting cigarettes. That is your main job right now. Just know that the time will come for you to find your convictions about where you’re going with your quit, and the only way to do that is to never lose your convictions about where you’ve already been without it.
Keep living forward!
STORM
