SkyGirl

Day Seven: How quickly things can change; I need help today...please

Blog Post created by SkyGirl on Oct 3, 2012

Day Six was a breeze and I had SO much fun with my post yesterday about all the odd foods people eat.  

I hopped a late flight to Portland, OR, last night to go to my other home on the Oregon Coast because I'm on vacation until Oct 15.  Jeff (my Beloved) picked me up at the airport and we drove over the Coast Range Mtns. to our little cottage on the beach in Cape Meares, OR (just outside Tillamook).  Jeff had dismantled my smoking haven on our deck.  But I hadn't done the MENTAL preparation for not smoking in this particular physical location in my life.  Last night wasn't too bad, I was exhausted and with the three-hour time change, it was about 1am when we got home and went straight to bed.

But, oh, this morning!   I had my first smoking dream last night and awoke ready to hop up, make coffee and light up out on the deck.  And I've been fighting what feels like a constant craving for the last five hours.  I drove Jeff to work and we stopped at the lumber store on the way, as we usually do.  He went in the store, and I sat in the car, gnawing on my lemon.  (It's my fourth lemon; I'm not even giving them names anymore.)  I dropped Jeff off at the hotel he manages and went off to run some errands for him.  One errand included the grocery store, where I stood, looking at the cigarette rack and thinking, "Nobody would ever have to know..."  and hating myself for thinking that.  I made myself think about how Jeff was grabbing up handfuls of my hair this morning and telling me how GOOD my hair smells now.  (That felt SO good!)  I bought beef jerky instead.  (But I couldn't get it to light up.  Hahaha.  Kidding.)

I have been sitting in a coffee shop now for two hours because I am sort of afraid to go home.  The association of smoking there on the deck is still so strong.  The craving today is sort of different.  Any cravings I've had on earlier days have been the peak/ebb thing.  This morning has just been one long crave.

 And I'm doing all the right things: reminding myself how I'm free, how I'm going to feel healthier soon, that craves are just lies my nicotine-clean brain is telling me, that Jeff loves the way my hair smells now, that this day on my beloved Oregon coast will still be sunny and beautiful without nasty cigarettes, that the enjoyment I get out of browsing the antiques stores will NOT be enhanced by stepping outside to smoke, that MY LIFE IS BETTER without cigarettes.  I KNOW these things are true.  I KNOW I will not smoke.

But the LIES are shouting loudly today and I'm sure a few shout-outs from my EXer friends would help drown out the Nicodemon today.  I'll be living on the blogs today.  And NOT eating caviar, NancyEXpert!  Ewww.  Gosh, where's a fcig (Yes I said fcig, not ecig. See my blog yesterday) when you need one?  Or if I could just get that damn jerky to light up...  Oh, crap.  A blueberry fritter just jumped into my mouth.  

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