So earlier today, I posted a cheerful little blog about being halfway through Day Three, and how things are going well, and how I was proud of myself. Um, yeah.
First off, I haven't smoked. The trip I was on ended and I found myself back home in my condo for the first time since I quit three days ago. I knew being home was probably going to be harder than being out on a trip. However, I SERIOUSLY underestimated how much harder.
Within 20 minutes of arriving home, I felt like a caged animal. I changed out of my uniform, repacked my suitcase, checked the mail, and....THEN WHAT??? I wanted a cigarette SOOOOO bad, I was practically crying. Of course, I DON'T really want a cigarette, but my brain in screaming at me that a nicotine infusion would make me feel amazing. (Like, being 30 again amazing, like losing 20 lbs amazing, like a one-hour massage amazing, like...you get the picture.) I KNOW THESE ARE LIES coming from my brain who is doing everything it can to get me to send it some nicotine. Intellectually, I really understand what is happening and why I'm feeling these physical and mental things. But, EMOTIONALLY, I'm about to throw myself under a bus!
I had hoped to lose myself in a movie on the Internet, but my connection isn't working right now for some reason. So I grabbed my iPad and headed to Starbucks. I hate their coffee, but it was the only place I could think of that would have free wifi. They did have wifi, but no table available. So I've ended up in Barnes and Noble, on the brink of crazy.
I guess I was fooling myself because quitting had not seemed so difficult up until now. Now, I'm almost afraid to go home. I have to find a new way to deal with sitting around at home. Yes, I know what I need to do. I need to go home and read some more stuff about quitting, I need to think about freedom, victory, cleanising, health improvement, I need to work on looking at ways to establisih my new normal (this is not a new concept for me; it was a huge part of my divorce support group 18 years ago). I just hadn't had such an enormous emotional wave of craving up until now. I will deal with it. But I wanted to blog about it and see what you guys thought.
I have to go buy a new lemon now before I go home. I'd been carrying that poor lemon around for the past three days, but I lost it somewhere in the Tampa airport today. And I never even got a chance to talke a chomp out of it. I have a feeling that the new lemon will get a real workout tonight. Thanks for listening.
