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More than halfway through Day Four and let's just say it's a darn good thing that there is no organization as SPCL!

Because, if there were such an organization, the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Lemons would have hauled me away by noon today.  I took a photo of my lemon this morning just after the first big bite (surefire evidence that I am desperate for things to do that don't involve smoking, eh?) because it looked like my lemon had a great big smile.  Cute, right?  It's just too bad that, despite everyone's help, I still cannot figure out how to post one of my photos here on my blog.  You'll just have to imagine what a smiling lemon looks like...

Unfortunately (for my poor abused lemon, anyway), he doesn't look so "smiley" anymore.  My little pet lemon looks more like scrambled eggs.  AND all that lemon juice has given me heartburn, to boot.  Ah well, better heartburn than a heart attack or cancer, RIGHT???

As of tomorrow, I am officially on vacation until October 15.  This is a good thing for maintaining my Quit.  I'll be leaving for our other home on the coast of Oregon, where my boyfriend Jeff lives full-time, so I'll be busy with all kinds of house projects and fun stuff.  He's my biggest supporter, aside from all you amazing people here.  He will have already dismantled my smoking haven on our deck there by the time I arrive.

From the Oregon Coast, I'll be heading to one or two of my children's/grandchildren's homes for a couple of nights each.  Haven't decided yet who DESERVES to have me--LOL.  I am very lucky that my job affords me the ability to jump, for free, on any plane going anywhere.  I want very much to go to Fayetteville, NC (Fort Bragg) to see my youngest son, who is an Army officer just returned from Afghanistan three weeks ago. BUT...he is a smoker.  I'm quite sure I cannot stay in a smoker's home, even for one night.  Maybe a nearby hotel?  I'll be thinking about how to handle that problem.

Today's Greatest Thoughts:  1) I know now, for certain, that I will never again want to drink lemonade.  2) My head is too big to fit inside my freezer.  3) The world should come up with a better word than "boyfriend" to describe a man in his 50's.  4) I will NEVER put a cigarette in my mouth ever again as long as I live.


Me and my big mouth...

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 29, 2012

So earlier today, I posted a cheerful little blog about being halfway through Day Three, and how things are going well, and  how I was proud of myself.  Um, yeah.

First off, I haven't smoked.  The trip I was on ended and I found myself back home in my condo for the first time since I quit three days ago.  I knew being home was probably going to be harder than being out on a trip.  However, I SERIOUSLY underestimated how much harder.  

Within 20 minutes of arriving home, I felt like a caged animal.  I changed out of my uniform, repacked my suitcase, checked the mail, and....THEN WHAT???  I wanted a cigarette SOOOOO bad, I was practically crying.  Of course, I DON'T really want a cigarette, but my brain in screaming at me that a nicotine infusion would make me feel amazing.  (Like, being 30 again amazing, like losing 20 lbs amazing, like a one-hour massage amazing, get the picture.)  I KNOW THESE ARE LIES coming from my brain who is doing everything it can to get me to send it some nicotine.  Intellectually, I really understand what is happening and why I'm feeling these physical and mental things.  But, EMOTIONALLY,  I'm about to throw myself under a bus! 

I had hoped to lose myself in a movie on the Internet, but my connection isn't working right now for some reason.  So I grabbed my iPad and headed to Starbucks.  I hate their coffee, but it was the only place I could think of that would have free wifi.  They did have wifi, but no table available.  So I've ended up in Barnes and Noble, on the brink of crazy.  

I guess I was fooling myself because quitting had not seemed so difficult up until now.  Now, I'm almost afraid to go home.  I have to find a new way to deal with sitting around at home.  Yes, I know what I need to do.  I need to go home and read some more stuff about quitting, I need to think about freedom, victory, cleanising, health improvement, I need to work on looking at ways to establisih my new normal (this is not a new concept for me; it was a huge part of my divorce support group 18 years ago).  I just hadn't had such an enormous emotional wave of craving up until now.  I will deal with it.  But I wanted to blog about it and see what you guys thought.

I have to go buy a new lemon now before I go home.  I'd been carrying that poor lemon around for the past three days, but I lost it somewhere in the Tampa airport today.  And I never even got a chance to talke a chomp out of it.  I have a feeling that the new lemon will get a real workout tonight.  Thanks for listening.

I can't believe I'm halfway through Day Three already!   I texted my boyfriend last night during a crave and said, "My brain is telling me to smoke, but I'm not going to!"  He texted back:  "I've always thought it was a good thing that you are smarter than your brain..."  Hmmm...   Day is going pretty well.  Morning coffee was fine, but the craving hit when I hit the curb outside the hotel, waiting for the hotel van this morning.  I am not really enjoying staying cooped up in my hotel room these last couple of nights, but I think going outside would be a mistake these first few days.  I'm really proud of myself!  Thanks again, everyone, for all your support and comments.  I love hearing from you all; it really does help!  

Day One has come and (almost) gone.  It was not easy but it was also not so hard that I deserve any special praise.  I wanted cigarettes several times after I arrived at my layover hotel and it DID feel pretty odd to just stay in the room instead of periodically going outside to smoke.  Pistachios helped.  Catnaps helped.  I'm reading Allen Carr and trying to feel JOY.  Mostly, I just feel flat instead of victorious.  But I didn't smoke.  I guess that's all that matters.


Rebooting: September 27

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 25, 2012

To reboot is, of course, to restart your computer after it crashes.  I'm doing a PERSONAL reboot, because yesterday was a spectacular "crash" (see my last blog).  Quit Day is September 27.  Although perhaps I should just say "boot" instead of "reboot" because my quit never even got started yesterday...  Trying to put yesterday's mess behind me and getting ready for Thursday.


I screwed up.

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 24, 2012

Well, so much for my big day.  I've been flying tons of extra hours this month and I've been getting more and more exhausted with each trip.  And this morning, of ALL mornings, I slept through FOUR separate alarms.  What finally woke me up was a call from the Crew Desk, screaming "WHERE ARE YOU?????"  I got a "DNF" in my work history, which stands for "did not fly".  I got three penalty points on my record.  And I got reamed by my supervisor.  They replaced me on the trip and wouldn't give me another trip to make up the time.  So I don't have a 28 hour layover in Seattle, I don't get to see my boyfriend after not seeing him for four weeks, I don't get to enjoy all the wonderful surprises he had planned to celebrate my quit, I had to call him and tell him not to fly to Seattle because I screwed up, which disappointed him greatly.  So, I was sitting in bed after all this, still in my nightgown, feeling like a total loser for messing up everything.  And what's the first thing I do to feel better?  I throw on some clothes and run to the 7/11 for a pack of cigarettes.  Then I sit in my car in the parking lot, crying my head off and...smoking.  I couldn't be more disappointed in myself.


Trying to upload a cool pic...

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 24, 2012

Oh, please.  I've read every single post every person has ever made here about how to post pictures on this site.  And there isn't anything that makes sense.  I took some very fun pictures tonight of the "I Quit Smoking Today" tag that I'm going to wear on my uniform tomorrow during Day One.  I really wanted to post the picture and get some reinforcement.  But even after successfully uploading the pics to Photobucket, there doesn't seem to be a clear way to post pics on your blog.  Go here, do this, highlight this, don't click this, click the green button, go to the right side of page, drop down the photo transfer menu....  Really? I'm not a computer geek, but I've NEVER had such technical trouble with any website before.  Damn.  I just wanted to show all the folks who've been so supportive to me in the days leading up to my Quit something fun that I'll be doing on my first day of Freedom and hopefully give them a laugh,  Not to be, I guess, due to tech issues...


Ok, I'm better...

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 23, 2012

I just finished re-reading "The Easy Way to Quit", start to finish.  And I'm going to be fine tomorrow when I quit.  In fact, I'm going to be a whole lot better, because I've got my positive attitude back.  I'm going to run around all day tomorrow, yelling "Yippee!  I'm a NON-SMOKER!!"  Actually, that'll just have to be in my head, because I'm flying a very long day tomorrow and that would probably frighten the passengers!  ;-)  I'm working from DC to San Fran and then on to Seattle, where my wonderful boyfriend is flying to meet me and help me celebrate my FREEDOM.  (I was going to say "help oach me through the 28 hour layover".  Two things wrong with that sentence, though.  First, he would only have to coach me if I was depriving myself of something good, right?  Second, it's not 28 hours, it's the rest of my life!  He told me today that he has planned out the time in Seattle so that I won't have a moment of down time, but it's all a surprise for me so I have that to be excited about also.  Okay, so I won't run up and down the airplane aisle yelling, but I AM going to wear a button on my uniform that says "I quit smoking today.  Congratulate me!"  It'll be fun to see how many passengers actually say something to me.  Okay, it's starting to get dark and I have to get busy breaking down my patio smoking station...  Thank you for all the encouragement.  And I will report back to you tomorrow...  YIPPEEE!  


Tomorrow is the big day...

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 23, 2012

and, all of a sudden, I'm a split personality.  I've been so looking forward to being free. I WANT to quit so badly and I DON'T want to quit.  I'm AFRAID now.  I'm looking at this all wrong today.  I'm really fighting with myself because I KNOW I truly hate smoking, I KNOW I WANT to be free of this awful addiction.  I DO believe I'm capable of quitting. I've been preparing myself for 24 days by reading, tracking, thinking, making lists, etc.  so why, just before the big day, am I feeling like I'm losing my best friend????  I'm sitting out here on my patio, smoking like a madwoman, just because I still CAN today.  Why can't I convince myself that I shouldn't be seeing it as a matter of "can't" smoke starting tomorrow.  Up until now, I've been seeing it as being free finally.  I felt so positive about this new beginning.  But today, it feels like a sacrifice and I'm scared.  I know, I know, I know I need to get back to viewing it in a positive light.  It IS positive.  I CAN and I WILL and ill be so much better off.  But today, those words just feel like a fake front.  I thought I would be SOOOO happy today, knowing I was ready and excited for tomorrow.  Now, honestly, I just feel frightened about tomorrow.  This morning, I remembered that one of the last steps on my prep list is to throw out all my lighters.  Damn, I love my fancy little colorful lighters from Paris!  Now, how stupid is THAT?  Attached to my lighters???  And, now, I just looked at my ashtray.  It's a gorgeous vintage aqua glass ashtray that I got at an antique store.  My God, I'm even romancing my ASHTRAY.  I need some serious help today, so I can get back to all the strong positives feelings that, deep inside, I KNOW are still hiding inside my brain.  I WILL quit tomorrow.  I just need some serious pep talk right now, pleeeease?


Link to "Easy Quit"

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 20, 2012

Could someone please re-post the link to the Easy Way to Quit book again?  I left the copy I printed out in a hotel room yesterday...  Thank you!

Okay, I must preface this blog by saying I know this is probably an unwarranted feeling, but I guess if you feel something then this is probably a very safe place to talk about it.  I am coming up on my quit date; just five days from now.  And I know I have posted blogs that talk about how I am SOOOO prepared for it and planning how to handle it.  But, in reality, I'm worried. I'm nervous.  I don't know HOW I'm going to feel on that first day.  I've read everything that you've all recommended.  I'm seriously preparing (see previous posts), but here's what I'm actually feeling: You guys all seem to know each other so well and for so long.  You guys all seem like such good friends.  You share addresses of people who need special help (which is SO amazing that you have developed such relationships!).  You all seem to know so much about each other.  And I feel like an outsider and almost like an intruder.  Like the new kid holding a lunch tray in the cafeteria who walks up and says, "Can I sit with you?"  NOBODY HERE IS MAKING ME FEEL LIKE THAT.  Everyone here is being SO welcoming and wonderful! It's ME who is worried about pushing my needy self into a place where all the good friends here might be saying, "Oh shheeesh, it's that Fly Girl again...and she hasn't even QUIT yet!"  I had NO idea that I was so insecure until I got to a point in my life where I needed some real serious ongoing support for something I haven't been able to master in my life...  Is this making sense to any of you "veterans" or should I just make an appointment with a therapist?????


It's fast approaching!

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 17, 2012

Good Morning, everyone!  I'm still tracking and reading and getting ready.  September 24 (my first day of FREEDOM!) is fast approaching!  Everytime I start to feel nervous about being without cigarettes, I try to imagine myself NOTworrying about how many I have left, where the next place is that I can smoke, how nasty it feels to suck that hot smoke into my lungs.  I have been trying some little acts of "bravery", too.  I actually left the house to go to the grocery store and left my pack of cigarettes at home.  And guess what?  I survived the experience! Lol.  I've been delaying cigarettes and experiencing that urge rise and then fade away.  I really do think I'll be ready.  I picked September 24 because I have a 28 hour layover in Seattle that day.  I'll be staying in a hotel that has NO balconies (once of my "special places" to smoke: hotel balconies) and my boyfriend is flying to Seattle to meet me and help me through that first day and night.  I'll be assembling my "quit kit" this week; can anyone suggest healthier options than candy and mints to snack on?  I can't chew gum because of dental work.  I am really worried about gaining weight and don't want to get hooked on high-calorie stuff .  I also want to say how much I appreciate all the people and support here.  I love reading the blogs everyday!  Have a great day, and to those who are already not smoking...YOU ARE MY HEROES!  

As some of you who read my blog know, I had a bad day two days ago, just THINKING about my upcoming Quit Date.  But I'm back on track, preparing for my Quit Date!  Thank you to all of you who responded to my rather bleak blog because it really helped me think about why I was feeling so down in the dumps.  I didn't make the connection right away, but September 11 is a very emotional day for me. Some of my co-workers died that day and it is always a tough day for any flight attendant.  Just think about how difficult it was for flight attendants to go back on to planes and up into the air after that.  The fear was everywhere.  Each anniversary brings it back.  I've spent the last two days flying. And realizing that NO emotional situation should have anything at all to do with whether I smoke or not.  In fact, during the last two days, each and every time I lit up, I thought to myself, "I could have NOT smoked this cigarette and life would have gone on exactly the same".  Sometimes I'll be sad or scared and sometimes I'll be happy.  But that's going to happen whether I smoke or whether I do NOT smoke.  I also paid special attention to the way I felt AFTER I smoked and was surprised to find that I felt exactly the same.  That stupid cigarette didn't change a thing.  I feel renewed excitement about becoming an ex when my Quit Date arrives. And, while this may sound dramatic, it occurs to me that if I'm going to die, I'd rather die as a hero like the flight crews on the four 9/11 planes than from something so stupid and self-destructive as smoking cigarettes.


Down in the dumps...

Posted by SkyGirl Sep 9, 2012

I haven't even quit yet.  My quit date is Sept 24.  But I am so down today, just thinking about quitting feels like a defeat already.  It's Grandparent's Day.  I was trying to post a picture of me with some of my grandkids and title the blog, "Four of my biggest reasons to quit!"  But I can't figure how to post a photo on my blog, which makes me feel computer-stupid since I see many other people posting cute pics and clip art here.  Not to mention that I didn't hear from a single one of my grandkids today.  Yes, I KNOW it's a stupid Hallmark made-up holiday.  But I saw on Facebook that many of my friends got cute posts and loving messages from their grandkids.  It made me feel bad to get nothing.  And while I've been posting all these jazzed up "go get 'em" comments on the newly-quit friends I've met here on this sit, in my own mind, my confidence in my own ability to quit is fading fast.  As any of you who've followed my blogs and comments know, I'm worried about the fact that I set my quit date so far in the future (Sept 24, which I set on Sept 1) and wondering if I should move it up.  And now I'm scared to move it up...  It's been a bad day for me.  And I don't even feel like  I have a RIGHT to have a bad day when I haven't even quit yet, like many of you brave, brave, brave people who are on their 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th, 6th (GO CINDYMAC!) day.  I think only people who have quit already have a right to post pity parties...  I guess I'll be upfront here, and ask for some pre-quit support.  Is that okay to ask for?

Here I am, on a layover in Newark.  I have a luxurious hotel room, if fact, an AMAZING suite, given to me apparently because I am the Purser on this trip.  I have EVERY reason to get comfortable, get in my jammies, turn on the big screen tv, crawl into the crispy clean sheets on the king-size bed,,, I've had a longer than usual flying day (14 hours) and I'm exhausted.  But what did I do the moment I got checked into my suite?  I changed into my sweats and came dowm to sit outside in the "smoker's area" outside the front door of this beautiful hotel, where I have sat for 45 minutes, chain smoking my guts out.  When I would SOOO love to be upstairs in my room, enjoying a warm bath or watching tv.  I'm really mad at myself for be  ing this addicted to cigarettes.   Should I move Imy Quit Date up?  I don't want to wait until Sept 24.  Is there such a thing as quitting too soon after you've realized you want to be done with cigarettes?  I haven't finished all the reading that has been recommended.  I have only tracked for five days.   But I'm sitting here and I'm so mad at myself!