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Posamari Blog

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Guilia asked members what made you decide to quit. Realized when I answered, it had turned into more of a dissertation blog than an answer; so here I am.

Blogging it.

Mine was a 1-2 punch. My daughter was graduating from med school in the Caribbean and I needed to be smoke free and HEALTHY for her graduation, or couldn't attend. A full day of non smoking travel from California to the Virgin Islands, plus no place I could 'hide and smoke' once I got there. She would have been MORTIFIED if anyone saw me smoking (or smelled it) and expressed that in great lengths to me, sometimes angrily.  Rightly so. 

I had mostly been a closet smoker ; didn't smoke too often out in public, but still A SMOKER.

A lot of people didn't know I smoked.

Only those extremely close to me.

Or so I thought.

Even with all the Febreeze, incense, oils, and perfume, they could probably still get a whiff of tobacco.

I kept putting off 'the quit' date I had set for myself each month as the grad date came closer and my anxiety with quitting escalated, so I smoked even more. Vicious circle.

Then I got pneumonia.

Oh boy!

Wake up and smell the coffee!

Karma is a bi$ch and all that.

I really thought I was dying. Have never been so sick in my life. Was probably a blessing in disguise really.

The cough (OMG!!!)  that accompanied it plus trying to breathe, was excruciating--- I was sure I had cancer or advanced emphysema and would be dead or on a breathing tube the rest of my life and wouldn't see my daughter graduate.

The shame I felt for letting my addiction get that far was overwhelming BUT I was STILL smoking like an idiot, not my usual pack and half day but still puffing.

How stupid is that??!

Extremely. Stupid. 

Addicts do stupid and dangerous things to themselves.

The accompanying depression regarding the whole scenario was insurmountable for me.

With that thought and being so sick , I made a 2 week quit date window and vowed to my daughters and myself I was quitting FOR GOOD and would be well enough to go to grad and snorkel and swim, do all things Caribe without any issues.

I cried. I prayed. Everyday.

But d--n, I loved those menthol 100s.

I loved the menthol as much as the d--n nicotine. 

They not only tasted good but had me fooled that I needed them to get thru this thing called life.

My comrades.  

'They' understood me.

'They' were always 'there' for me.

What a bunch of malarkey!! 

Nicotine addiction will do that to you.

Hijack and control your thoughts to keep smoking. 

I looked into residential treatment centers for nicotine addiction. Yes I did---lolol.  I didn't truly believe, trust, or love myself enough to be successful in my quit.

How sad is that??

Addict brain thinking.

I was desperate! I thought if I could make it for 30 days at this point in my life without smoking, I would never consider picking up another cigarette, but felt I needed a structured, educational based lock up facility to be successful.  Take away the smokes, restrain me if need be,  and lock me up for 30 days!

Unfortunately, insurance doesn't cover residential nicotine re-hab (which I think is terrible btw ,drug and alcohol is covered) but that's for another story regarding insurance companies.

So I started googling smoke cessation support groups and EVERYTHING I could read on nicotine addiction; came across this group with their amazing group of elders and members--- and never left. I'm coming up on my 2 year forever quit next month. Although I do have damage-- mild COPD, I feel good, exercise everyday, eat clean, have a new lease on life and have the respect from my daughters.

I KNOW I would not have been successful in my quit without the amazing support of the elders (ty ty ty! <3 ) and the members on this site. 



Just  read jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007 on the comfort of repetition @ Part Of The Problem and how very true it really is.



the unexpected amount of time it takes to unlearn it.

It's been well over 200 + DOF for me and I still crave a menthol 100

Especially after eating

Each and every morsel of food 

And other 'triggers'.

And so I've started replacing that after meal smoke with more food.

And more chocolate than I care to admit.

It's now a major food group.

And I'm gaining weight and do not like it.

So I exercise more and more.




Not a day goes by that I don't think of cigarettes in some capacity.

Since I quit smoking, my emotions can be all over the board.

The smallest thing can bring a tear to my eye.

Good grief.

I'm growing tired of the cravings

Growing tired of the weight gain

Growing tired of the pressure I put on myself to exercise balls to the walls everyday

Tired of dealing with these silly emotions.





My health is more important.

And so is the respect from family and others.

And my daughters would absolutely be so disgusted with me

If I started that nasty addiction again.

And they are the most important people/things in my life.

But most of all

The self respect

I have

For finally kicking this addiction out of my life.

If I could wave the proverbial magic wand.

I would have quit years (and years) earlier.

But I didn't.

I remind myself how much better I can BREATHE since I quit.

There's a reason for air folks!

Though there is permanent damage to my lungs.

Probably my heart too.

And my vascular system.

But what did I expect.

 I kept smoking those menthol 100's.

The ones that tasted so good after a meal

The stress of worrying if I smelled like tobacco is gone.

That was a biggie.

I was basically a closet smoker and work in the public schools so the stress was real about the smell of tobacco.

I spent more time trying to eradicate the smell than I did smoking.

Sheer stupidity.

I can now ride my bike for 10 miles.

And walk at least 5 miles.

It's very empowering.

And a great sense of freedom.

So now I have

 "the unexpected amount of time it takes to unlearn it"

There is no quick fix.

To unlearn the behavior of years of smoking a menthol 100 after a meal.

Or at any other time.

But I'm in it for the long term---NOPE.

Just taking a little longer than I had thought it would.

But the freedom of not HAVING to succumb

To my past years of tobacco addiction

Is worth

 "the unexpected amount of time it takes to unlearn it"


To my fellow EX members

Posted by Posamari May 19, 2017

Although I check out the community several times a week, I don't always log in.  Tonight after reading Pops post on the VA 2017 trip, I was excited for all attending and needed to express it.  I also saw I had several messages in my inbox. Several were congratulating me on my 200 DOF from smoking. THANK YOU!!!! I hadn't realized it had been that many days since I smoked my last cigarette but you all had. That makes me feel good, not going to lie. Thank you so much for caring. I also want to mention my success is due in a large part to the overwhelming support from the members of this community. As we all know, it ain't easy!  Even after 200 days, its still can be a  battle at times , sometimes daily,  with cravings or thoughts of smoking a menthol 100 cigarette. In times of stress or anxiety, its REALLY hard. But I know it would not just be 1 smoke, and you've taught me NOPE.  So true. I've come too far to quit on my quit. Plus I want to reach that 6% club   

 Again, thank you for being here and for being the caring unique individuals you all are.           To those meeting in VA----- have a wonderful time! I'm envious and excited for all of you. Will look forward to photos!!

Who knows, Maybe next year it could be a west coast meeting or Vegas again    I vote for Vegas! ((Purely selfish reasons, my dad lives there so I would have a place to stay and access to transportation PLUS its only a 45 min flight from LA.  Heehee  ))


Posamari Archived Profile

Posted by Posamari Jan 23, 2017



 Everything I've ever wanted to say, has been sung by Bob Dylan. 

Brief Description

A seeker of all things. Respect and take care of Mother Earth, it's the only home we have.  If my thought dreams could be seen, they'd probably have my head in a guillotine.


No website in profile.




as above, so below


all serious daring starts from within.

 I enjoyed smoking. I really really did.  I miss it. If I could smoke and it didn't affect my health, I'd be going full steam ahead. Unfortunately it was a decision between my pleasure or my health. I chose health...quality of life. I didn't want to be strapped to an oxygen tank or limited  in freedom of movement because of my health or something worse, like death.  Not going to lie, it's not always easy, BUT my biggest regret is that I didn't wise up sooner, take the plunge, and quit years ago.  Smoking was second nature to me. My friend, my wingman and partner in crime going into combat of what we call life.  My safety net. My Prozac. My excuse. My buddy. But it was all a facade. My friend and comrade turned on me. It became my master. A bully. An enemy. It made me co dependent. It made me smell. It made me sick. It made me a social outcast.  It kept a wedge between my family and myself. It was no longer satisfied with just being my friend/partner, it wanted my life. It was the abusive psychopathic spouse and I became a victim of the Stockholm syndrome. I loved my abuser, menthol 100s.

It's been 82 days since I last puffed. Some days I still miss it. Craves come and go, especially in times of stress, certain social situations,  or after a meal, but I wouldn't trade my quit for anything. What I've gained physically, mentally, emotionally, socially from divorcing nicotine cannot be measured. The respect gained from my children and other family members gives me a burst of confidence and self respect. I enjoy and look forward to my daily walks , swimming, and riding my bike again. They are no longer a chore or something I push myself to do to just to stay in shape.  I even went snorkeling without breathing issues! Again, yes I do crave them but it dissipates quickly and is manageable. 

For the newbies--- the first 3 days are the toughest, then the first 10 days. After 2 weeks, things start to get easier and you will notice a difference physically and mentally.  My blood pressure went from around 140/89 to 116/72 in a week of quitting alone. Think about that. I gained about 3-4 lbs but I started walking regularly and I have never been a good sitter anyways. As a frustrated artist , I'm always puttering doing something. I think it helps when you first quit, if you can take a few days off work, have the support of your family to just leave you alone with no demands and sleep as much as you feel. You will feel depressed, angry, irritable, physically drained, and have side effects of detoxification. But it's temporary!! What you will gain even after just 1 week makes that hard first week worth it.  I smoked off and on, mostly ON for over 40 years.  Some periods I would smoke over 2 packs a day dedepending on the circumstances! How stupid is that?  Those that are contemplating quitting? You CAN do it. Just make the decision , take the plunge, and get it  over with. What are you waiting for? There is no magic pill to do it for you. Good luck and accept all the support the members and elders  offer here. I know you can do it. It's time to choose quality of life over puffing away. Don't wait til it's too late...........


Merry Christmas One and All!

Posted by Posamari Dec 25, 2016

Merry Christmas One and All!  

This is my first major holiday smoke free. Christmas for me has always been the most stressful time of year for a number of reasons.  This year will be the first year I don't have my daughter's visiting, work and distance has made it not feasible this time, but we will speak on phone and correspond by text and Facebook, plus I visited with both of them a week a week ago at my one daughter's graduation.  I'm appreciative of modern technology and social media for sure! And I'm appreciative of all the Ex community members and elders for your continued support and caring. I really don't think I would have been as successful with my 57 DOF without this community plus the educational information provided by all. Thank you and Merry Christmas from the high desert of California, you all are awesome!

-- Posamari

18 DOF so far.  Breathing is much better, more active, appetite is getting ferocious. Ive found the toughest for me has been after I eat. I want a cigarette badly. Like my meal isnt complete or 'finished' unless I have a smoke (or2) afterwards. When does this urge go away? If I eat chocolate or sweet afterwards that seems to nip it some, but I dont want to get in that habit.

Today was a test for me on an emotional level. My daughter who lives and attends school in the Caribbean, St. Croix, was sick and down with the flu last week. She feels a lot better this week, but still has achey joints. Had a blood test done and it came back positive for Zika virus. She says its no big deal, but I guess me being mom, it is. I worry about it.  She doesnt plan on becoming pregnant in the next year, so its not a concern for her. And from what she told me, once you contact it, you have immunity from getting it again, which is a good thing. She got it from a mosquito bite.  Ive been a bit stressed about it. And im a little concerned also when I go to her graduation next month, I could get it. Its rampant in the islands right now and I dont bounce back from illnesses like I used to.  She said be prepared to wear a lot of bug repellant and to get bit because the mosquitos have been brutal this year. Yikes. I live in the high desert, we dont have mosquitos. When I lived east coast area, it was West Nile.  She said if I get Zika, its no big deal cos I dont plan on getting pregnant. Very matter of fact about it all.  You've got to be kidding. I wanted a smoke just to process all this I guess. Thank god I had no tobacco, lighters, nothing in the house. So decided to go for my walk a little earlier.  Started on my evening walk and about 3/4 mile in ,  3 little white poodley mixed yippy yappy dogs ran up to me barking and jumping. The owner is yelling at them, but they just ignore and continue to jump around my feet barking and acting obnoxious. I wanted to kick I froze instead. One of them,, the ringleader of the 'pack', I assume, reaches up and bites me on the calf!  I couldnt believe it! Owner finally gets them to calm down and puts them in the house. He apologizes profusely for the terrifying triplets , says they have never acted that way before (I think thats BS-- its obvious they act that way all the time-- you all know the 'kind' I'm speaking of) and offers to take me to the ER.......  OR....... get this....offers 100.00 and a bottle of tequila if I dont report the bite. The bite broke the skin but stitches not required, its small wound,  and he shows me the current rabies vaccine documents.  Earlier I had ordered new prescription eye glasses and sunglasses at the tune of 700.00 and that was with insurance, so there was another bit of anxiety. Can I be bought? Yes I can! Ha! I took the 100.00 and tequila (I dont really drink but will give it as a gift), signed a paper I would not hold him liable for dog bite and limped home. Drenched the bite with alcohol,  put bandage on it and wanted a cigarette AGAIN so bad! But I got thru it by reading blogs on the site. It really is a pillar of strength for me when I feel weak or just frustrated. I thank you all. The elders, the newbies, the in betweenies, the admins. All. And hey...I'm 100.00 richer. 


The worm has turned....

Posted by Posamari Nov 10, 2016

Winding up the end of Heck Week, although some days felt like Hell Week. Started out on the patch for first few days, but felt it intensified my anxiety, gave me bizarre nightmares, so cold turkey it became...and I think it was actually easier. I didn't expect the fatigue and depression that came with the quit, but with the support of all of you on the site, TY!TY! I could see light at the end of the tunnel. I appreciate everyone here! I would not have got this far without the support of the site members.  Had a Dr appt yesterday and when I told her I was on day 12 of tobacco free, she smiled and gave me the biggest hug, said how proud she was. She was honestly sincere. Made me feel so good and proud of myself too. I still have the fatigue and the depression comes and goes. I've become more active, which has helped keep the 'blues' at bay.  The first 10 days was basically my reclusive pity party. I couldn't stand myself. I called off work, sat in  bed reading everything I could on nicotine withdrawal and addiction, listened to music, wrote down thoughts, feelings and slept in 3 hour increments around the clock. I had no appetite, and lost weight. My skin started to get very dry too, which I thought was weird. HOWEVER ---I now feel like "I've got this!".  Yay!  I know I'll still have 'down' days but they won't be as frequent. The hardest crave situations is when I eat--- I want a cig so badly I can almost taste it :) and in the morning.  The car hasn't been too bad, which surprised me, but I havent gone any long distances either. I also get crave when I'm excited or nervous which is to be expected. The first episode of the new season of Walking Dead almost did me in--haha, along with the election results. I had a love/hate relationship with my menthol 100s. I loved smoking but at the same time, felt they were bullying me and controlled me. And they were. As I mentioned before, I got pneumonia a few months ago and my health started going downhill rapidly and that gave me the motivation to quit plus going to see my oldest daughter graduate next month. I gave up caffeine a few days before my quit date and reduced my sugar intact by about 60-70%. Instead of coffee in the morning, I'm drinking hot lemon honey water. Oh boy---*eye roll*.  But have to admit, I'm getting used to it. Can't do green tea cos of the caffeine, tried to a few times and my craves were too much. I also haven't had alcohol in close to 2 months.  I tried to eliminate as many triggers I could before quitting and I've avoided almost all social interaction. Now  I'm a drag! No fun Fiona! Debbie Downer! Well, enough of this I told myself this morning!  Tomorrow I will walk first thing in morning, put on music, get my creative juices flowing again and start on a few projects. Heck I may even ride my bike. I refuse to let my quit dictate my mojo anymore. I can quit and still enjoy life! Cigarettes are just not required this time around! :) ;) 

Decided to venture out today to the health food store. I've been reclusive since I quit pretty much, just avoiding anything that may be a trigger. But enough is enough! So spoke with the sales clerk about a good cleanse for quitting smoking. I wanted a cleanse that would target my breathing and cough (lung cleanse) and fatigue, depression. He recommended a 30 day program called Smokers Cleanse (duh) by Renew Life. Was a bit pricey but hey, look at the price of cigs. So I'm optimistic it will detox me quicker and I bring it home. I do notice on the box it says it may cause drowsiness. Hmmmm. I take the first capsule as directed for the morning. Within an hour I felt I took a darn sleeping pill!! Fell asleep for over 3 hours. Forced myself to get up and still kind of feel hung over. Ill be returning this product. I don't need any more fatigue. Anyone else have experience with this?

It's a tough decision. I've been a tobacco user for most of my life, and it's done so much harm than good. I would actually prefer tobacco to be illegal.  I'm voting YES on Prop 56. Raise the tax 2.00.  If this was up for vote, say, 2 yrs ago, when I wasn't motivated to quit, I would have voted NO.  My only hesitation is will cigs be sold more on the black market when this is raised?  I'm a non smoker now, so why should I care?  Good question.

Prop 64.  This one I'm really struggling with.  People are going to use pot , legal or not. I do believe it is much less detrimental than alcohol or tobacco,  more people use or have used it --- including me--- I'm just an old flower child by design--- and it needs to be brought out of that Back Alley mentality. However, I do not want to see big Corp and tobacco companies take over, which I don't see how it can be avoided. I'm a supporter of independent businesses and farmers, gardening is one of my passions. I owned a small personal gardening business in Ohio for nearly 13 years and I'm a support your local farmer gal and environmental activist.  Tobacco companies big revenues comes from exports to other countries. America has and is becoming a smoke free country compared to Europe and Asia. So I'm sure as soon as the banks/ Wall St. get on board, their greedy hands will be all over the marijuana industry. I also want to see it sold in a professional, restricted manner. No selling joints at your local 7-11 or in the seedy cig smoke shops that are all over California.  I'm also concerned too of producing a decade of stoners.  The case for this is ppl are already smoking it so that concern is moot. Makes sense .... to a degree. If Prop 64 passes , the legal age for purchase would be 21, same as legal age to buy tobacco here in California.

 I'd rather support ppl smoking marijuana than smoking tobacco or using alcohol, but I don't want to see the small farmer being replaced by BIG Tobacco companies. Tough decision. California as a whole is anti tobacco but is very accepting of Marijuana, which is kind of weird, smoke is smoke is smoke.

This political  rumination is brought to you by Posamari so she keeps her mind and hands busy instead of giving into tobacco cravings and thoughts.

Now, marijuana doesn't have the added chemicals that tobacco has, but I believe it is not as benign as most want to believe.  I think it does have medicinal properties in some cases, but I also believe in can be addicting. The brain ' feel good'receptors and all that. It still is smoke and damages your lungs. Plus there really hasn't been a lot of in-depth LONG term studies on the negative effects.

Proponents of this say it will regulate it, make it safer, better quality control, keep it out of minors hands  but allow adults to have more access instead of feeling they are doing a back alley drug deal.  Basically currently the proponents say easy for Jr and high school kids to get, hard for adults to access. I agree with that thought. It will also reduce blackmarket and street sales, reduce crime, and of course bring HUGE revenue into the state, which a large portion going towards education. That remains to be seen...remember the lotteries?! Schools are financially in the toilet, but the lottos are doing very well. That's another story.

Opponents feel the revenue (again) will go to special interest groups (probably),  big corps and the tobacco companies will take over the farming, cultivating, selling etc  and squeeze out the small independent farmers  ( which I agree and hate to see),  driving accidents will rise, and we'll have a nation of stoners, that crime will increase. One of the largest opponents of legalization, is the growers. I understand the growers concerns and fears. Last thing they need is more gov't intervention and Phillip Morris, RJ Reynolds etc squeezing them out.

The state of California has several propositions on the ballot this year. Prop 56, which raises the tax on cigarettes 2.00 per pack. If passes, average pack of cheaper brand cigs will cost close to 7.00. Your name brands close to 9.00.  Proponents see it as a way to reduce smoking and make it more difficult for kids to buy, and improve health.They also say the increase in revenue will go to education and healthcare for smoking related issues.

Opponents say BS. People will still smoke and the 2.00 increase in packs will go to special interest groups, not related to education,  put an added burden on smokers, etc

Prop 64.  Legalization of Marijuana.  Medical marijuana has been legal here for years. It's kind of a joke really. Anyone over 18  can obtain a medical card and buy it at the local dispensaries or have it delivered to your house.  Although illegal to smoke in public, it's freely smoked and accepted just about everywhere.  As of now, one of my neighbors, someone behind me , I can tell because direction of wind, is growing some serious weed. It's all you can smell 24/7.   


The patch......

Posted by Posamari Nov 3, 2016

Hi all! I'm on day 6 of quit. Yesterday went well, seemed I was getting some energy back and not as 'blue' and cravings weren't as strong. Today however is 180* turn. Didn't sleep well, heart palpitations, headache, shallow breathing, nervous stomach, slight nausea. I've been using the 21m patch but removing it before bed because of the bizarre vivid dreams. I started removing it on day 3, applying it again in early morning. Same routine today but about 1-2 hours after applying it, I started to feel worse with the symptoms I described above. I had applied it to my upper arm. I finally removed it thinking I may be having a reaction or too much nicotine. I'm kind of scared to reapply now. I need some advice on what to do. I've read to not quit abruptly and I'm at a loss. Any response will be greatly appreciated. This has been one of my worse days yet with side effects of quitting and I'm wondering if the patch is influencing this. What to do? As far as calling my Dr, I can leave a message but will not hear anything back until after office hours and that's 4 hours away.
Thank you.

For some strange reason my blog was not posting in it's entirety. Let's try this again, round 4:

Hello Ex Communitians!

I've just joined and am learning my way around the site. I've read one way is to start a blog relating my experience becoming smokefree so far. Here goes!

My last cigarette was at 11:00 pm October 28,2016; 39 hours and 15 min ago after smoking 2 packs the last 4 years. After my last smoke, I put on a nicotine patch at midnight to help curb the morning crave. I've smoked for 40 years, quitting 3 times in that time frame for about 1-2 years each time with the pregnancys of my children. However I would pick up the addiction again for some insane reason(s) after quitting. I smoked menthol so always felt I may have had a double addiction.

Back in May, I decided I was going to quit for good starting in June. My biggest motivation was my oldest daughter was graduating from med school in December 2016 in the Virgin Islands and I wanted to attend her graduation. Imagine showing up with my habit at a med school grad and reeking of smoke plus the fact the long smokefree flight! I also wanted her to be proud of me for beating this awful addiction. My daughters have constantly begged me quit. Thank Jesus, they never smoked and are anti smoking militant about it. Well, June passed, then July, still puffing away, then August hit me like a ton of bricks. I aquired several health issues with one culminating into pneumonia. The last month I have aquired a horrible chronic cough, lethargy, trouble 'catching' my breath, and a depression that has not lifted. The last month has been brutal to my physical and mental health.

I'm currently on stage 1 of the patch. I haven't slept well in years but the past few night smokefree, I've managed maybe 3 hours of sleep each night. Vivid, SUPER bizarre dreams. Actually kind of interesting but make no sense whatsoever. Extreme restlessness, trouble falling asleep and staying asleep. Both nights I've woke up coughing and breathlessness and have ripped the patch off in middle of night but reapplying by 6 am. Have had no real appetite. This severe breathlessness started in the last 20-30 days.  I've been able to ride out the cravings so far (!!), but am foggy headed, extremely fatigued, and just downright depressed. Ugh. Is this normal? If so, is there light at the end of tunnel and when will this start to left to some degree? Could the patch be exacerbating this also?

I apologize for sounding like a Downer Deb, but am being honest and reaching out for some advice, support or info. Any response will be greatly appreciated.

Thanks for listening,



Trouble posting.

Posted by Posamari Oct 30, 2016

My blog is not posting in it's entirety. Not sure what the problem is, I've tried several times.