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MePlus3 Blog

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MePlus3

Day 2

Posted by MePlus3 Jun 19, 2017

Day 1 flew by like a breeze! Now for 2 day. I've had my moments where I wanted one but it didn't last long. I also just smelled a good bit of second or 3rd hand. I would never be able to piece this together but while I was driving I had my window down (my car don't have ac) and I smelled it almost as if it was coming from my passenger side. No one was in the car but my son and I. The car behind me windows were up and we were the only ones on the road not even a person walking! That was weird but I appreciate it because its a God sent reminder of what I smell like to others (yucky)!

MePlus3

Day one/won

Posted by MePlus3 Jun 18, 2017

Hi all! This is a bittersweet day for me the day to appreciate the active fathers which in watching is a beautiful thing but it's also the day I lost the father of my children. I'm actually holding it together better than I expected. Today made 2 years since he's been gone. Though we weren't the best as a couple he was a wonderful father despite it all. 

Today is also my quit day craves haven't been as bad as I expected. I'm glad to say I made it through smokefree! 

MePlus3

Date change

Posted by MePlus3 Jun 13, 2017

Well I had my last one and really don't want to buy another pack. I NEED to quit. My head has been hurting constantly for the past 5 days or more no matter what I take it does not stop at all I'm convinced it's from smoking so much. This is not a life I want to continue to live. I've found where the crack in the door is and I know this may sound really crazy but I still consider them a friend when all else fails and when everyone turn their back on me they are still there. That is my truth though I have plenty of knowledge and know otherwise I'm still dependent on them to "be there" I'm losing my closest friend and don't know how to accept it. The other girl was no big deal but this one is like my sister we took baths together when we were younger she was there for me when my mom turned her back on me. I haven't confronted her about the changes in our friendship I really don't know how. She don't motivate me like she used to and there's fault in all I do. For example I like colorful phone cases she said that was childish so when I got my new phone I got a black and gold simple one (not for her it match my phone) nevertheless I showed it to her and it was "ugly" I told her I'm glad I don't live to please you but it still hurt my feelings. This girl was my motivator she helped me face all my fears to get to where I am now. I used to be afraid to drive out of town she pushed me to do it with her in the passenger side making sure I was ok. Now it's different. 

My new date is tomorrow. I'm still preparing but I really don't want to buy anymore. Well I'm rambling lol ttyl!

MePlus3

6 more days

Posted by MePlus3 Jun 12, 2017

Hey all! I miss you dearly! Good news I've set my quit date and preparing as we speak I'm treating it brand new. Tracking, Developing a NRT plan, Making a quit kit. I bought teas, dum dum pops, and other hard candies. I'm about to start on easy way again and actually finish it this time. June 18th is my quit date but I'm cutting down more and more each day. Also I found a professional treadmill for 80 bucks so yep I'm replacing smoking with a good ole work out! I'm excited! I don't want to stink anymore I'm going to be free! June 18th was the day my husband took his life away and it's going to be the day I take mine back in honor of him. This is a tough month for me and the memories of him are still fresh even after 2 years but that won't be an excuse it's a motivation for me to PUSH! 

MePlus3

Finding myself

Posted by MePlus3 Jun 7, 2017

I disappeared for a while and y'all know good news doesn't come out of that. I have to find myself, find my commitment, dig up my determination. Until then, I will be writing these type of blogs over and over and over again. I have to make what went wrong or what's going wrong right but first I have to find that too. I have to start from scratch. I'll be back and soon but first I have to get things in order.

I've been tired. School and this new position at work have me whooped! And another lady just quit so I'm basically doing her job now as well it's stressful but I'm pushing school is almost over and maybe then I can see straight. That's still no excuse but this is where I am. 

I'll be back soon...

MePlus3

What happened

Posted by MePlus3 Jun 1, 2017

Now that I'm over myself I can go into more detail...remember the "friend" from around mother's day that I blogged about well she's back again with the harassment she's been "accidentally" texting me but I don't respond because she'll say it wasnt for me and quite frankly I dont want to be bothered by her so fast forward she called me today I didn't answer she texted and asked about timesheets at first I didn't care to respond because she's no longer a part of the company but I did I told her "yes I turned in overall timesheets training included" she went on to tell me that she no longer works for the company I said I know she offered help in my position I told her I got it so she laughed at me I asked her what is there to need help with? She said I'm program coordinator and elaborated on the job duties that's when I send her a copy of the email of the promotion I told her I am executive assistant and clear of the job duties required in my position. She laughed again..and called again this time I answered but I didnt tell her much more listening than talking she got mad and brought up the situation from the guy I told her that was dead like over with so she went completely off saying I'm not allowed back to his mom's house I HAVE A HOUSE OF MY OWN! that don't stop no show if there was one! Anywho we ended up over talking one another in a verbal brawl. Im tired of her as a whole. She pick at me because im small.  Sure enough I could've continued to ignore her but evidently she took that for weakness. Im calm now.  Honestly I still want to smoke not sure how long this will last. 

MePlus3

Whew

Posted by MePlus3 May 31, 2017

I woke up with "one" on the brain. I told myself I will not move out of the bed until I got over it and that had to be pretty quick because well the bathroom was yelling my name lol I'm finally up and glad that thought is gone away. I don't want to smoke anymore so im not. I thought real hard in my last relapse. I focused on it the smell, the burn, the taste the grossness built up in the filter not to mention my lungs and mouth and all of which is unappealing to me. When I think of "just one" now I remember my last one and how that's not me anymore. Have a great hump day!

MePlus3

Inconsistency

Posted by MePlus3 May 30, 2017

Trying again today...I have no excuses. I started this morning off with a prayer and a big breakfast with a large cup of water. I also plan on working out when it gets tough. Theres something in my personality I'm impulsive and inconsistent which is no good combination for my quit saving grace is im also hopeful and believe despite those shortcomings I will quit for good! No looking back. Yes its taking me more tries than I personally desire but im not giving up. I think of my quit as a gift to myself a stronghold that has been broken. I have a winning feeling inside when I get through tough things smoke free. Im starting to see the light concerning my depression. I got dressed yesterday put on a little lipstick and actually felt better than I have in a long time. Today I have alot more energy im feeling better im not on edge and angry at the slightest "hello" anymore.  Im going to clean up play music sing maybe even dance but I wont smoke. I know y'all have heard this out of me too many times before but I want to thank you for believing in me even when I found it hard to believe in myself. 

MePlus3

Reprogramming

Posted by MePlus3 May 27, 2017

I've been doing good all day had breakfast plenty of water and orange juice and used only 2 gums well 3 once I finish this blog. I caught it in the act the thought of me getting in my car and going to the store and buying "one" thinking of the dollar thats sitting in my car hmm 2? NOPE I came here instead this moment is where the battle begins the reprogramming begin! What is my trigger I asked? I dont have one yet im not hungry ive been resting alot today not bored nothing I can think of I guess I just "wanted" it. But I "dont" want it more..thats why im here. Well im going to get my gum and sit on my hands and watch "the golden girls" ttyl!

MePlus3

Back and at it!

Posted by MePlus3 May 27, 2017

I got my head back in the game. After reading the comments on Shawn's blog my head is back in the game. I've been planning my day one practically since I relasped with no thought in it no energy which caused me to fail. Today is different im recognizing those thoughts and telling them NOPE! 

The reason I jump right back in is I know if I continue smoking it'll become a part of my life again I will grow to NEED them like I used to with every emotion and every move I make I would NEED to light up thats something I definately dont want. 

Why did I do it in the first place? Obviously theres a door somewhere thats not completely closed im thinking on that now trying to figure out where the crack in the door is thats left. The reason I did it this time, I was tired like dragging through each day tired (thats no excuse) but thats the lie I believed in the moment that somehow my days would become brighter my stresses would be lighter even for just that moment. 

My depression is at an all time high its been like that for a while and I know now that smoking isn't making it better. Even now as I get through this day smokefree im still at a low state. Thats an excuse I wont have anymore I know I can get through this without smoking. I also believe that smoking made it worse. 

Its alot going on...but smoking will no longer be a part of it.

Ohhh where do I start!? Good news is my quit is still in tact after such a hectic weekend/week! No one could make me quit on my quit but me and I yell from the mountain top NOPE! 

Saturday I helped a friend her car broke down and I went to give her a jump off but that wasn't the problem so after driving her all around town. We landed at a little party her mom was there with a few other people it was a fun time I even met a guy (just a few months ago I quit on dating remember?) Lol well heck im young so I decided to test the water real slow but first I asked her about him told her I was interested and she said go for it so I did and we hit it off instantly we danced, walked, talked and just had a overall good time. Even his mom fell in love with me and gave me the ok and was impressed that he actually accepted the gesture. (What can I say im a petite little lovable person) fast forward...Sunday morning I get a call from this "said friend" saying that his mom felt disrespected and I came on too strong to him and I got a good lashing from this friend my first thought was to talk to his mom for myself and apologize if needed because I couldnt remember anything I couldve done that was that bad. So the mom had a mother's day party and I came and brought my mom and we had a blast no one was expecting the guy to come (but me) because it was a mothers day surprise for his mom. So when I got there I took her for a walk and apologized and she said she had no problem with me and didnt have a clue. So the party went on he showed up we went for a walk and talk and came back standing up talking. My friend walked up to me and him and blew all the way up they had to literally carry her out. Now THAT was disrespect but the party went on eventually we made up or at least I thought until today...yep she's back at it. Calling and texting me nasty things. She doesnt know that his mom, my mom, he and I had a good long talk after everyone left and the truth is she called his mom Sunday morning lying on me! Then called me like his mom called her!  She tried to turn her against me to keep me away from the guy but it didn't work thus causing the blow up. I have never experienced this level of jealousy. She had been going to this lady's house for a long time thats why I asked her before I made a move because maybe she liked him. Truth is, he never was interested in her so I guess she gave me the ok because she thought I'd get the same results. I just hate that things are going sour as for our friendship behind this guy. 

MePlus3

What the heck?

Posted by MePlus3 May 9, 2017

I must admit these past few days have had me on the slippery slope! Ive been having hair pulling urges since Friday. After 22 days, im just now experiencing the quirks of "hell week" where im having to drag one foot and pull the other. Its HARD! I keep thinking and trying to pinpoint the trigger so that it can be addressed and perhaps resolved but I've got nothing! Im not stressed (that I know of) im not hungry, tired, angry or lonely. What oh what can it be that have this nag so strong? I absolutely refuse to have another day 1 its going on a year since I've joined this site this time im demanding to be IT! Ive encountered stressful situations starting school, the issue with my mom and the kids and just being a single parent in general but those things didn't even trigger a thought let alone a crave! I won't give in NO MATTER WHAT! I just wish these feelings would go away! Maybe its depression I have been feeling pretty down lately come to think of it I could be stressed due to the many changes I'm enduring. I've also been beating myself up behind the smallest things like not having the laundry completed or the dishes and my future with my kids it's hard to think I will be raising them for a very long time ALONE its not fair that my husband left me in this position but I have to accept it. It scares me though I want to raise them to be upstanding citizens, respectful, successful and full of faith in our Father and His amazing son Jesus that's what I desire. Its hard enough here in Mississippi that racism is still heavily alive we are deemed failures and criminals just by the color of our skin I want my kids to be the change. I'm afraid to remarry or even date because ive been on my own for so long and that's what my kids are used to just us 4. Also after the last relationship I chose to step away. Sorry but these are some things I just had to get off chest. Maybe after this tomorrow would be a better day. I'm going to say my prayers and hope to get a better night's rest than last night. Good night my dear friends and family and thanks for listening. 

MePlus3

Hey hey

Posted by MePlus3 May 7, 2017

Hello everyone I hope you beautiful smoke free folks are having a wonderful peaceful Sunday. Coming here remind me of the joys of quitting just reading your blogs let me know im not alone even during the tough times we are all TOGETHER through the good and the bad and I couldnt be more thankful! I see alot of newbies coming in, we have all been exactly where you are now lost, nervous, worried about losing a thing we've done for most of our lives because we know that its slowly taking our lives! We are no different there is no "secret weapon" or a strength stronger than the next or a person with more "willpower" we are all addicts! There is a recipe that Jackie hit head on in one of her blogs I can remember the title. We have to be determined made up in our mind that its done no matter what. If we have to cry so be it but never ever look back again. Dont be afraid I know thats easier said than done but the victory is so worth it and the quit is very doable! Put your mind to it your body will thank you! 

MePlus3

Sigh

Posted by MePlus3 May 6, 2017

Hey everyone im having some issues here, my quit is not at risk because a cigarette cant fix any of my problems but talking or blogging it out may make me feel better once im done. Well here goes, my kids dont like to stay at my mom's for some reason. They've always been shy about leaving home lets face it there's no place like home! Well now its beginning to hurt her feelings and its turning into strife towards them. I advised her to talk to them let them know that they're loved and welcome there and she wants to spend time with them too also find fun things for them to do to take their mind off "going home" they're kids..LITTLE KIDS!! for crying out loud! She won't talk to them with honesty instead she talks around them in an attempt to make them feel guilty about not staying there.  She said she told them all of those things but I know my mom and she doesnt know how to express hurt in a loving way she didnt do it with my sisters and I and I highly doubt she did it to them in a way that they understand and feel loved. My mom and I have had a very rocky relationship all my life. Its sad to have to wait on us to hit rock bottom..yet again. The trust between us have never been solid but I always try to make it work. My kids always say they dont want to stay over there but will be great before the day is over. I dont think its anything wrong there they just like home better. Now that I've started school its "hurting her feelings" I dont have anyone else to call on to keep them while im in school but I dont want to keep sending them there if she's going to talk them any kind of way out of anger! I don't know what to do...

MePlus3

Day 18

Posted by MePlus3 May 4, 2017

Whoo hoo 17 DOF behind me! Its been a while since I blogged but I haven't missed a day of EX! I pledge every morning and sometimes hop on the train if I have time most of all I love playing on the playground with my friends! My favorite is sitting in the sandbox making sandcastles and relaxing under the sun. Sometimes I'd swing and breath in the fresh air around me. I absolutely love my freedom and will NEF forget how hard it was to get it back when I let it go that time. Ive definitely learned my lesson im not looking back unless its to remind myself that it's a place I never want to go again! Sure enough the bully taunts me sometimes but I know down in my heart now that my quit is solid! Smoking is just a memory now the hair pulling crave days are behind me. I do alot of positive self talking and it really helps. I had the roughest time today with the kids buses and school and trying to adjust to a new schedule for myself going to school and getting them to school and to my mom's smoothly its a hassle but a challenge I find pride in because im getting through it smokefree. I remember when I would chain smoke through the whole thing as if it had all the answers or made everything easier NOW I can breath and think and press my way without the crutch! Im proud and never ever letting go again EVER! Sorry for rambling but my joy is spilling over lol I pray everyone is having a great day! Its cold, dark, and rainy here I literally hate this kind of weather because it drag my energy and mood to the lowest point that's something ive been having no success in fighting against but I will NOT absolutely NOT smoke or anything that look like smoking as our friend pops says NOPE!