I told myself I was going to be 100% honest with this final quit. And, it's a bit lonely out there sometimes
when one doesn't have like a "sponsor" on which to dump. I must look at the facts, and I have not smoked for a longer period that I have managed to put together in 3 years. I made it 180 days 3 years ago, then unfortunately cobbed a bad attitude, went to a Circle K and bought 1 pack of American Spirit "Organic" lights. Had one, then 2, then decided to go back in and buy a bottle of wine. Wow, talk about flushing it all down the toilet!
You see, I know deep in my inner self that smoking was my first addition. Alcohol never was an addition with me, but the emotional twistedness that became intertwined AS A RESULT OF LOW SELF BELIEF AND SELF ESTEEM that cumulatively became real is now coming clearly to the surface. The whole 58 years I smoked I knew I was doing a WRONG thing. In my intelligent part of my brain, the conclusion can only be that this had taken a toll...a significant toll.
I promised myself that I would not whah-whah-whah like I did here a few years back. Please let me know if my thoughts are coming across that way. My observation at this time is that the reason all this stuff is coming up now is because my deepest more God loving, life supporting self knows that my DECISION to never ever take even one puff is serious and final. Hence, I don't feel the least bit sorry for myself. I did it, and now I get the consequences however they come to the surface. No smoking NO MATTER WHAT.
I am presently giving "an old college try" towards honoring whatever comes up as a result of now being a committed NON-SMOKER (became an ex!) and, oh how stuff is coming up!
Like letting my early maturation days happen being a smoker who knew he didn't want to be one. Or going about life's successes and failures knowing full well that I couldn't be good enough for clear and complete success.
If you're at all like me, there has always been this voice in my head saying..."You're weak, you just can't quite pull it off...You can't even quit smoking!!!
It hasn't always been this obvious. Many a day would go by just BEING a smoker and succeeding where I could, being a smoker. Now days, however, it is almost impossible to remain a smoker for me. Know one who I admire smokes, none of my mentors all throughout life smoked...and I mean NONE.
I feel like I am still convincing myself that this is real. You see, I have never been here before, felt this adamant or felt like there is no turning back.
Thanks for being there, and I just have to say that if I can do this thing, ANYONE CAN DO IT.
I smoked for 58 years, stopped once for 5 weeks back in 1977, stopped again in 2016 for 180 days. That's it. that's my story and I'm stickin to it!!!
Love you guys.....