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All People > Mandolinrain > Mandolinrain Blog > 2020 > August

Dark Day

Posted by Mandolinrain Aug 25, 2020

I am but one week away from 6 years of freedom and I nearly gave in today.


We have had our 'granddog' here since Sunday. My son took his family on a small vacation and 'Yeti' has been here a few times a did, we said sure.


All was well. I have an extra large crate I was using for him ( 4 year old French bulldog). Yesterday he was fine until late afternoon. He was acting tired, lazy. Its been hot here, but we only put him out to do his business. Otherwise he and our Doberman, Nico, are great buddies and pretty much laid on the rug in family room all day together. Either not too active. 5:30 he turned down dinner so after our dinner, I made a blanket nest on the sofa and we decided he must just be homesick, so we all watched a TV show and cuddled. When we turned in for the night he slowly navigated to his crate next to our bed. Nico sleeps in the bed with us.


Fast forward 6:15 this morning. Yeti is stirring around and whining in his cage. Hub had left already for work. Im thinking he needs to go out, so I open his crate door and wonder out to kitchen and put garage door up, Nico comes out but no Yeti.  I walk back through kitchen and Yeti is dragging BOTH hind legs and can't walk. Period.


I know this is an emergency so I load him straight away into the Tahoe and call the vet. Yep, get to Medvet in Columbus Stat.


6:30 we are headed to Interstate 71. Rush hour in Columbus when we arrive, me crying the whole way blinded by fear and tears. They are all waiting for me to arrive, the Docs.


I waited 4 hours in parking lot because due to this COVID *&^%$#, I cant go in with him.

Results came from MRI- Diagnosed with IVDD. He had total rupture of DISCS BETWEEN l3-4 and 5-6 with blood present in Cord area, stenosis and total back paralysis. He had no deep pain sensation. Decide about surgery, 50-50 chance later IF he pulls through and what capacity and quality of life ahead? He may never walk again and / be able to pee without being expressed and 6 month recovery. I CANNOT make this call.


I had to call my son and his wife. Understandable so, they are devastated. I cant help but feel responsible and the desire to smoke is haunting me. But I don't.


Yeti was euthanized awhile ago. The desire to smoke Is gone, I am just drained. Smoking would not change this situation. I know that, but it sucks just the same. I used to smoke for comfort, today I just asked God to help me do the next right and best thing and to please comfort my grandson who I knows heart is bursting and I cant 'fix it'.


Theres a lesson for him in this, I know that, but it just won't make the hurts go away...yet.


Im numb for them. Bad day. Dark day. we ALL have them. 


Smoking will not fix this. I am mostly devastated for my son his wife and the kids. I just have no words for them and I know they do not blame me, yet....he died on my watch. I am sick about it. I am also going to bed.

Sorry so long. I will not smoke.


Lemons vs Lemonaide

Posted by Mandolinrain Aug 23, 2020

Been binge watching YELLOWSTONE.

Smoking has much in common with it.

Smoking addiction stands steady to do whatever it needs to do to convince you that you can never leave it ( smoking)....much like the cowboys that join the ranch...many are branded and pledge their allegiance to the Ranch , no matter what.


Smokers often fall into that category. Although many of us do find the freedom, the choice to leave the Ranch.


As much as I enjoyed, or thought I did, The Ranch, I am grateful for the greener pastures on the other side.


Don't buy into ( be fooled) by the Nicotine lie. Run far far away.

Green pastures are a glorious choice over molded hay.....and yes, that's a metaphor.

Maybe sharing some parts of our life helps.

Helps.... for us to understand where we come from. and all the why's...



So I will throw out the first 'stick' ( I have enough to burn a large bon-fire, FYI)


i am adopted..... partially. Don't know Bio Dad. I did experience abuse. I am avid lover of people and gardening and learning new tips on that subject. Love all that has to do with nature, water, hiking, biking, skiing ( snow) fresh air fresh clean organic gardening, trees, art, music, ( all kinds especially folk, bluegrass and classical)

I love meeting new people, learning new things, poetry , reading, true story movies , documentaries, biographies, plays, symphony, I adore Opera  .....and most of all......( Aside from  my family) I love this site and all of you.


Seems like such a stash, but hey...... I also used to smoke over ALL of them. An Excuse, I must say. I smoking helped me tolerate all the above at times. I am 62 now and am just figuring this all out, somewhat.


See how much I gave credit to smoking when in fact it didn't credit me at all.  It's an addiction  folks....and the sooner you accept that, the sooner you can get not with your quit, your story, cause we all have one.


For me the hardest part of quitting was to allow myself to Experience being uncomfortable for X amount of time, to detox. Period.


The detox take different time for each of us. If you're using an aide,such as patch or gum, it will take longer because you are still feeing nicotine into your system.


Just wanted to throw this out there, hope it helps someone. We all hurt.Smoking or not, thats not gonna change. Plenty of folks who have never smoked hurt. Just want you to know HURTING CAN BE ADDRESSED WITHOUT SMOKING


Well. in the morning, I have 'The Storm' and more grandkids so me time here is limited till Monday.


I don't care about what religion you follow or your spiritual beliefs

I don't care about your skin tone

I don't care about your residency, city-state-country

I don't care about your political beliefs

I don't care if you work or not

I don't care if your educated or not

I don't care if you have a disability or not.

I don't care about your sexual preferences........


What I do care about is to help support you so you don't smoke. Period. My only agenda.


Nothing more , nothing less. I share my experiences and thats all I can do. Share my story. This site is full of different ways/stories. its nice because we all are not the same and we all have different needs.


Find the story that fits you and follow it. No ones here to judge or be judged.


We are just here to quit and stay quit with Nicotine Addiction.


Pretty straight forward.


Take what you need and leave the rest....someone will always come for your leftovers

I just loved this guy. He was Fox 8 Meteorologist for 55 years and passed a law in Ohio called Goddards Law that anyone who harms an animal is prosecuted as a 5th degree felony offense.

He had such a compassionate heart and soul and touched everyone who ever knew him. His passion was to help anyone and especially animals less fortunate and had such a giving loving spirit. I will miss him.


R.I.P. Dick Goddard


Examine your roof

Posted by Mandolinrain Aug 3, 2020

A very good post especially drew me in this morning.

It was was a simple post that MarilynH posted ....about, A SIMPLE POST.


And thats basically the point. Simple. We often make too much of things of the world anymore. We stress over situations beyond our control, we argue over points we don't throughly understand, We choose sides because, well you gotta fit in somewhere you either agree or disagree. We fight over nonsense issues and we applaud nonsense issues. We don't examine the roof over our own heads often enough, and I am not talking about a physical roof.


When I quit smoking and got some time under my belt, I realized how much I gave away to smoking. my decisions were focused around smoking through my thought process. It lied to me with false confidence, false hope, false self esteem...need I go on? I mean really.    I was perfectly able to do anything I needed to without the smokes confidence beating me up, but I had to get some time under my belt in my quit to truly see it and call it out as it was.


So today, I just want to remind everyone. We are enough without the smokes. We are better off without the smokes whispers telling us that we are not.

Examine your roof. Whats holding it together? Is it relying on others to fix it? Is it put together with rusty nails that have been neglected?

Maybe it's time to repair, before a REAL storm blows in unannounced.


Happy Monday  I'm working on me roof today and I have a ladder near by and safety equipment prepared cause I don't ever want to smoke again for anyone or any reason. Time to go examine my roof.

We surely can all use some light, eh?


1. Soft rain coming down here right now in midst of a bit of a drought


2. My tomatoes are thriving, although my zucchini petered out


3. I have spent more quality time with my man through COVID and my sweet grandchildren

4.  I am reminded daily when I come to this site, of all the awesome people in my life, that some  I miss, some who I am praying for ( well thats all of you I guess) and some who just brighten my day just because they post often and share their hope with us all.


5. I see many people in the news finding ways to help there fellow neighbors and communities through these difficult days...nice to see the positive from all of this


6. I  also enjoy reading all the POSIVE ENCOURAGEMENT to our New Quitters/Members. This site is truly outstanding. While we have gone through times where some folks in the past have tried to 'unearth us', so to speak, we have stood strong and together and here we still are, since around 2008, I believe  ???? Mark ????


7. We are living in a historical time and yet we are still united here and pulling for each other


8. We all come from different walks of life, colors of skin, political and spiritual beliefs, blue collar, white collar....heck...ALL areas/levels of education and yet when we are here...we are the same....we are ALL ADDICTED TO NICOTINE. We ALL sincerely want to help one another to overcome . Its nothing short of beautiful.


9. It's still raining  here and I am maintaining N.O.P.E.


10. I feel so blessed to be a part of this community. (Thank you)