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2018
Mandolinrain

Free

Posted by Mandolinrain Jun 22, 2018

Falling from the cloud
I was there
I held on with all my might
Scared to let go
Scared to see what would become of me if I didn’t.

Would I ever feel normal again
Could I ever have fun again
Would I ever be able to relax

Just relax again…. it troubled me so

I had tried before
So many times
I had tried to let go of the fears....
That saddled me
So unwilling, I stayed a prisoner
Of the demon
Nicotine

 


I just felt hopeless
But then……

Reaching out
I laid out a new path
I decided ‘NO MORE’

i choose to live
I choose to be out of bondage
I choose to take back control
Of me

It was always there
I just had to take it

Yes, it was hard
I was terrified.
I fought back emotions and cried
I fought back temptations
I hurt…..

Everywhere

 

 

I was no fun to be around
I knew this was the demon talking

Then it happened...


I woke up
Days, no , more like a few months
Maybe 3

I was alive
I was not being followed by the shadow
I was tempted now and then,
But I had gained strength
I remained vigilant
I ran with others like me
Who were stronger than I
Who were here long before me
And I drank from their wisdom...
I watered my very soul…my very ambition
I yearned for the wisdom they had to offer...

 

I came back to me

The one I was always mean to be....

 

I held on with al my might
Scared to let go
Scared to see what would become of me if I didn’t.

 

Here I am...

Free

Hard ...yes

Worth it...Very much so

And it feels Damn good

I might add...

Mandolinrain

Bad days happen

Posted by Mandolinrain Jun 18, 2018

But we don't have to smoke over them.

 

I used to though. A day like today would have made me smoke....alot.

 

Its darn near 90 outside and poor me.....I have to water this lawn twice a day.,...and its a huge lawn and it takes 3-4 hours when its this hot out. SO I am bloomin' mad. Hot...tired, plum worn out. I am sun burnt. I am a little peeved that my hubby didn't offer to help. I had just came in and showered and got comfy on this chair and my phone rang.....it was in the kitchen and I was tired to go get it so I asked him if he would please get it for me...I have a 90 lbs Doberman resting between my legs after all!!!!

 

So...he walks over picks it up and stares at it as it continues to ring 5 more freakin' times!!!! I say. " hello....would you please bring me the phone, who is it....."????? By the time he gets it to me it stopped ringing. It was his sister who wanted a recipe....( I know this because she then sends a text...) UGH!!!!

 

Okay...so now I am grinning, laughing. I tell hubby I am sorry. Im still tired. Its supposed to rain tonight, but the yard is wet now, so whatever, he says.

UGH!!!! REALLY??????? i WANNA SMOKE.......NO I DON'T!!! NO I WON'T.

 

I TURN 60 TOMORROW, POOR-POOR POOR ME, Oh for the love of.......

 

I am having a over-reactive- post menopausal , ex-smokaholic-stupendius -idiotic - childish tantrum....it will pass.....just like 59 is about to....lol

 

My point is.....Bad days happen smoking or not. 

I am NOT smoking over it.

I'm going to bed early and getting over myself.

We all will wake up a day older....I just want to wake up, lol and still be a non-smoker!

Good freakin Night!

Mandolinrain

kidney stones ugh!

Posted by Mandolinrain Jun 10, 2018

I'm back , still worn but I am fine , so no worries. Just tired.

 

Just wanted to thank everyone for the support and prayers. I had 5 stones! CT scan showed that they were all small enough to pass and they did, but they took their time. I had to have surgery 10 years ago for stones that were to large to pass. I was worried it was going to be that all over again but am sure all the prayers stopped that.

 

Thanks again and to my sweet friend elvan who has been in touch with me checking in daily, aside from her own deteriorated health,....she still puts everyone else first. Love you my dear friend.

 

Now..new rule....NO MORE ILLNESS ON EX.....we have all had enough! Think healthy thoughts and lets ALL heal. 

 

And no matter what....Just don't smoke!

Its a daily thing , some days easier than others. But can you?

Maybe we should look at some reasons why we don't...put ourselves first~

 

1.  People Pleasing~Feeling judged by others

 

First off, we are responsible for our own happiness. We are not responsible to make others happy..that is their job and if you keep doing it for them , they will always expect it of you.

We will be judged by everyone no matter what we do or don't do for them. I think it must be better to be loved/cared about by people who accept and love me for who I am just as I am. If that is not enough then the saying for me is : They are a blessing or a lesson. My choice. Always has been, always will be.

2. Your Missing out on Something? 

 

Hmmmmm, afraid that if you don't stay caught up with everything, laundry, appointments, cleaning, yard work, friends company, helping others.....

that you will stay caught up with everyone else? Let me tell you a secret.,

It's gonna be there tomorrow too. If your feeling sick, overwelmed or just downright tired, for the love of God, do yourself, no wait..... do us ALL a favor and rest! Your getting yourself out of balance and your going to make yourself sick! If you need to ask for help ASK! It is perfectly normal to need help and ask for it....or just rest. Put YOU first for a change. 

 

3. Your Not Worthy

 

Oh boy, here we go. You feel as though you have to do everything for everybody because somewhere along the line, you were wired that way. Okay, so heres the deal....I just cut the wire for you, so now you can let go.

Feeling unworthy can lead to resentments and depression, and I am not speaking of clinical depression...just downright sadness. YOU ARE WORTHY!!!! Don't dwell on what others think you can or cannot do. You are a masterpiece as you are and quitting smoking is YOUR JOURNEY not theirs. Make it a priority....in fact...make yourself a priority. YOU deserve it.

 

4. Enabling

 

OUCH!!! Got me there....I have set myself up so many times to be responsible for others which actually just stops them from taking care of their own needs. I am not always alert to this fact, but am trying to be more aware. Could this be you too? It will knock me off balance fast allowing resentments to creep in. Don't go there.

 

 In Closing

ALL of the above can set you up to smoke

 

It is not our job to take responsibility to keep everyone happy. It is our job to to take care of our minds-body and heart...be proactive about it. Sleep when you need sleep. Be Grateful so you can keep things in perspective when they  do get out of balance. Go to the Doctor when your sick. Start taking care of you and that beautiful quit. Put yourself first for a change. It won't kill you but by NOT doing it....it may.

 

Learn to Say No and set boundaries

 

The above are just my thoughts. Its what my beliefs are on the subject and while it may not be yours, thats okay. No worries, we do not all have to agree.

Today I am home today resting taking care of me and thats okay too. I recognized I needed to. I know I can put my mind in a bad place if I don't and put myself at risk to smoke...if I don't. So I am putting me first today. I hope you can do the same for yourself.

 

Have a beautiful smoke free day

 

 

Dog gone it, I lost it. Not my quit...but nearly an entires  life work of portfolio of Client works of Art I did . 2 portfolios . Missing a rather large one of older material.....and a smaller one of more recent. Gone...! 

 

I had other things to do but I was asked to post a pic I painted so went to where I keep the portfolios and of course the ones I need are gone. Am thinking they got moved to junk pile during the move , accidentally of course.

 

I am not smoking over it and the thought is not even in my head to smoke. There was a day though...... oh yes...this would have set me into a real crave.

 

I am actually pretty mad right now, but I know it will pass. The last few days have been stressful at times. Yesterday my dishwasher decided to overrun and throw tons of water and bubbles all over the floor. My nearly 2 year old grandson just laughed...and I wanted to cry, but ended up laughing with him. AND oh the service department call I had to make from Sears.....UGH! Thats another frustrating call of waiting and prompts after prompts....Dang I wish PEOPLE would talk to you and not the stupid Prompts!!!

It is now fixed. Needed a new gasket. Well almost fixed. Gaskets ordered and they come next week to repair it.

 

My dog ran into my leg last night...He is a big guy and I thought I broke it. But no, its just sore but not broken. It too shall heal.

 

Am I being tested? Perhaps. I know what to do. I came here and blogged. I prayed. 

_____________________________________________________________________

I'm over it now. Not mad a bit. It could still turn up and then I will laugh about it. But if it doesn't, oh well. I will make new Art. I'm lucky I didn't suffer the loss many others have lost...like in fires, etc....

The Lesson:

I'm going to get away from me today and finish out helping someone else today. Getting away from me normally is the best the thing to do. Takes the focus away from my problem and help someone else. Its advice given to my my a dear woman I so loved and Admired, my own Nana, who passed many years ago at the age of 99. 

 

She understood that lesson very well and she passed it onto me. Now I pass it onto you.

 

Just Don't Smoke