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2017
Mandolinrain

Smoke 1-2 or 3???

Posted by Mandolinrain Aug 30, 2017

I was looking through my files on the computer today, deleting some things and came across this. Something I wrote awhile back but never shared, here  it goes....:

 

Death stood by waiting patiently

"Go ahead" it said, "smoke one -two or three..."

"Because if you choose me, I'll help you fall

And you'll beacon to me whenever I call".

 

"Inside your brain where the chemicals seep

I'll bond to your weakness and there I will keep...."

"All of your will power, yes I'll teach you to lack'I'll feed you more Nicotine

With the rest of the crap..."

 

"I will betray you and make you believe

You can't do anything without me ,that you need..."

This death had a name, the more I explored

In the form of a cigarette , I just wanted more.

 

Then came a day I threw in the towell

I reached out to EX and they showed me the HOW

I flipped and I flopped until I got it right

I fought through the tears, I put up a fight

 

I did ALL the homework and never looked back

The Ex'ers stayed by my side

For they had my back

 

Death is still here waiting patiently

" Go ahead..." it whispers," Smoke one-two or three".

 

I smile and walk on but deep down inside

I shudder and cringe as I  hear those old lies

Nothing, no Nothing will take my quit today

This freedoms too sweet to just throw away

 

My Ex friends have taught me to take what I need

And just leave the rest

This God given Program is simple the best

 

( Now as my Dad used to say 'Put THAT in your pipe and smoke it', lol

More packing to do, gotta run. Everyone have a great day!

Mandolinrain

Pickle in the middle

Posted by Mandolinrain Aug 29, 2017

Is it me or has anyone else felt like the 'Pickle in the middle'?

 

Our youngest  son and his lovely wife are going through some very difficult times. And how, you ask.... HOW in the world can this have anything at all to do with smoking??? A lot actually. There was a time that this would be a very acceptable ( on my mind ) excuse to light up.

 

 I have no intention to 'light up' so I am currently safe , but it does make triggers re-awaken so I have to remain vigilant. Even with having nearly 3 years in people. You can never sit back and say "Self, you have been quit for so long theres absolutely no worries you will not smoke, don't give it a second thought" Well listen people, I am  addicted to the drug Nicotine...I ALWAYS will be. One puff will put me right back to day one of hell week because all those damn receptors will get lit up again and the craves will be as bad as they were on day one.

 

Wow I said a swear word. You don't get that from me hardly ever, but I am really angry right now. Angry also puts me in a vulnerable position to smoke. " I could care less" attitude. Another reason to be vigilant. Sound familiar to anyone else? Some things are just plain out of my hands and out of my control. Waiting patiently as things unfold seem discouraging. So yes, Im angry...but I know I need some knee time, if you follow. That always helps me get away from my own thoughts that can make things worse than what they really are.

 

Lonely, yep...got me there. Whats happening with our son is something I can't talk about. So it leaves me feeling lonely. I have to turn this situation over to God.....well now, that makes me feel better. How about you? Are you lonely??? Do you think smoking will be good company? For the few seconds it takes to puff it out, then you feel like crap. Is it worth it? God is available 24/7 even if nobody else is. Call your Higher Power first please before you light up.

 

Tired. Well no not physically right now. But I am aware...watchful and will rest as needed.

 

Hungry, crap...I am always hungry, thats a given.

 

So I believe I just covered H.A.L.T. Hungry Angry Lonely Tired. any combination or any one of them alone and you better run, not walk...to safety. Because any of those mentioned can weaken you to lose a valuable quit.

 

I am going to Value myself. I came here. I blogged, I have prayed and I will continue to be adamant and watchful. NOTHING is worth losing this precious quit I have going. 

 

If your having a weak day and considering blowing it. Re-evaulate your quit. Value yourself, Value your quit. Theres always someone else who has it worse than you. Your not them, so be blessed . I have have all of you and all the knowledge that I have stored up in here on this site, I am putting into action . I know I need too. I know I am blessed. I just answered my own questions. I headed to quite time on my knees now.

Have a great day.

Missy

As far as quitting smoking was for me.

 

I was one who had so many failed attempts. I would get up one morning and say, " This is as good of day as any to quit"....then maybe I would manage to stay quit a couple hours.

 

Then there was the 'driving down the street and so disgusted at myself for smoking I would throw the entire pack out the window'... That also never worked. I would just be running down to the filling station ( which by the way, is a drive living out here in tin buck two) and spend over 5 bucks for another pack.

 

Or, when I would quit and have a really good start, maybe even a week or two and a tragedy would happen....Like losing my cell phone ( thats a tragedy, oh yes it is, you know it is,...) and I would be so mad....I would drive back into town and smoke 3 in a row by the time I pulled back in the driveway...hating the taste of it....feel dizzy....

 

And each time one of these likely events happened and I threw away my 'quit' I came crawling back here and fessed up. I am no child, but I sure behaved like one. I had not done my homework....well maybe partially. I knew I had not done all the suggested reading. Some yes, all.....not so much.

 

I was not really wanting to quit deep inside. My faith has always been important to me and I had laxed in that area as well. This site, at the time, was having issues. People were really dropping right and left.  It broke my heart to watch it happen. I dropped back also then. I took offense sometimes at comments made to me when I ' slipped', and I see now that I probably deserved it...well perhaps not all of it, lol. As a result, I now don't use the term 'Slipped', unless we are talking about ice.I had made a bad 'choice'....oh well, thats another story...

 

But seeds were planted. I took that time out to really get my faith restored and get serious about my quit and doing everything all the elders said to do. Study, get informed, make a quit kit, start a quit journal.

 

It worked for me. Knowledge really is everything. We each have our own journey to make  and some of us will struggle more than others. When the time is right I think you will know it deep in your soul. That feeling came to me when I fed it  what it needed and that was reading blogs, Carrs Book and all the material given to me here from all the wonderful people who stuck it out and helped me, that and of course my faith in God, that alone got me headed in the right direction.

 

It was a long time coming and it was hard. I NEVER thought I could be this free from smoking and I thank God everyday. I am a person who wears her heart often on her sleeve and sometimes I share more than I should, its just who I am. I have deleted some older posts where I did discuss some personal things that I truly wish I had not. I see now why I should never delete posts....perhaps it could help someone else? But I was embarrassed, and some was a medical issue still not resolved....I was scared....still concerned but not as much. We are dealing with it.

 

I am going to have 3 years September 2nd. I never thought this could be me. Im saying...

 

This could be you. Knowledge really is everything. My best advice is to be prepared.

Knowledge really is everything.

 

Bed time for me, blessings to ya all, sorry this was long

~Missy

Mandolinrain

Harvey

Posted by Mandolinrain Aug 25, 2017

Intended tonight to bed, but as I was turning off the TV , it was just announced that Harvey has become a category 4 storm. I am praying ...I have friends who live in Texas, and I know some  of you have family and friends there.

My prayers go out for all of them. Oh boy......I hope people who are in the path of this storm get to safety.

So sad. Now I wide awake, ugh

DAILY,,, every-single-time.....I come here onto this site, I see so many familiar people who take the time out of their own daily commitments to come here and encourage ALL of us. SOMEDAY, I hope to get here more to do the same.

 

I just want to do a shout out to the ones I see here constantly, no matter what they are experiencing in life...to greet all the newbies, encourage EVERYONE and give us all a dose of love and hope DAILY, so it  seems.

 

I might be an Elder myself, but all of your dedication to this site is something I admire greatly. Had it not been for you, I may have never had made it to Elder status. I love you guys!!!

 

JACKIE1-25-15elvanYoungatheart.7.4.12, jonescarp.aka.dale.Jan_2007Jennifer-Quit-05-01-14,

Marilyn.H.July.14.14. GiuliaThomas3.20.2010SkyGirl....and so many others, if I left you out Im sorry,...I really am pointing out the ones who were here when I was starting my journey here....I am in a mood to give away ALL my points,   let me know if you want some:)

 

And actually, I know there are more of you, but my brain just clanked close,lol. Sorry if your name was not mentioned, I think your all rock stars., but these guys above, NEVER-HARDLY EVER MISS A BEAT!!!

 

Ok, gotta go get some sleep and yes I know its really early for bed but..... Funny story first..

 

Last night  I went on a rode trip with a friend who needed to take her female Labrador to a breeder 3 hours away. We got home after 12:30am. The I went up to get into bed I saw  my sweet husband sound asleep with 2 large lumps in bed with him. It was very dark. HUHH, WHAT THE HECK???? Here he had mercy on our two dogs and allowed them into bed with him which he NEVER allows. Needless say, not much room left for me between him, a 90 lb.Doberman and a 150lb Mastiff. UGH!!! I did squeeze in and had Merlins rear end too close to be comfortable, it was a non sleep night. Overhead fan, was on, I was freezing and they were ALL snoring. So you ask, WHY in heavens name, did t you just go to another room????

 

House is so far packed for upcoming move, there IS NO OTHER ROOM!!

 

Needless to say, no dogs in our bed tonight and I am off to bed in 3-2-1....zzzzzzzzz

 

Love to all, Missy

Thats what I had to do. I had to not only learn about the tools to quit, but I had to start putting them in motion.

 

Oh sure, I had plenty of failure along the way. I errr, 'slipped' , as I USED to say a lot. The  I became aware...it is a choice, it always has been...My Choice.

 

I began using the tools i gathered along the way in my quit journey and began really holding onto the people in here that I saw strength in. Actually....that was everyone. So much advice, so much knowledge. Some I agreed with, some I disagreed with some I came to agree with as I developed my knowledge and put it into action.

 

I believe in EVERYONE who comes to this site. They are here because they want desperately what we have. I know, I was one of them. I ranted and raved, did a lot of whining of my own. It was MY quit after all....and bless you all...you allowed me to own it. Today I am 1083 DOF. Because with your help, I developed a backbone instead of a wishbone. You allowed me the freedom to take what I needed and leave the rest. I was not judged.

 

Our house is nearing completion. We hope to be moving by the end os September or the first week of October. It has been a hectic summer. I am tired but thrilled to finally reach this point. It is built solid. We put the best materials in it we could afford to maintain a home that should last beyond our lifetime. It was work, lots of work. It will stand for years to come.....and so will my quit.

 

I put much reading into it. Much study. Leaned on all of you ( thanks so much)  when my days were long and weary and I was totally burned out. I prepared well, finally, after several failed attempts. My foundation is rock solid'

 

I know I can never get complacent. I will protect my quit tillI take my last breath. And....as soon as I am able to get online more, I will continue come here and support those who are in need as it was given to me. This is a beautiful site and ALL of you, new and old, are beautiful dear people. This is doable. This site was a Godsend for me... Stick around. Godbless

 

Missy

Mandolinrain

Hello my friends!

Posted by Mandolinrain Aug 18, 2017

Im still here and still smoke free. My 3 year Anny is coming soon!!!!

 

Its funny I jump in here and see a post from Sootie tonight regarding how Life happens no matter what. Sure is for me. I have not had much time for my computer. We just moved my Mother in law into asst. living., and I am taking care of my Mom and a sick horse....trying to pack our own house of nearly 30 years to prep for the move in end of September....we hope. I tore my achilles tendon and wear this stupid boot at night, but its really helping....LIFE

 

Smoking won't help my mother in law or my Mom, ....or the horse, or the new house, or the packing, the grandkids,the build....no won't help any of that one bit.

However it would:

Ruin my beautiful quit and place me back to day one and have to re-live hell week and NML

 

Not worth it.

 

Yes, I have been busy, it happens to us all at different times in our lives, but I know things will eventually settle down. I will have more time to devote here helping others as I was helped. I absolutely intend too once this moving business is done. We also recently laid to rest a dear dear friend....

 

Hectic, yes....busy , yes....but Your ALL in my thoughts and prayers often. I look forward to having my morning cup of Joe with you all soon and get back here more often on daily basis.

 

Meanwhile, just saying I miss you all. I have not left the community, I will be back strong soon.

 

N.O.P.E ~ MY INTENTIONS FOREVER!!!

 

Life will happen and smoking is not an option for me. Love you all!~Missy

Your no surprise to us, we all did.

 

Of course you can choose to smoke today. You can always quit again tomorrow, or next week or next month or next year. Go ahead. Smoke.

 

Deep inside though. You don't wanna. You want to be like those other people who can stay seated through dinner and not run out in the crazy weather just for a Nicotine high. You are tired of the stink on your hair and your body. It's embarrassing. Your loved ones have told you they worry about you., your health. You sweet children or grandbabies get a stinky wiff of you whenever you hug them. 

 

This was me me that I describe above. Was it you? Is it you?

 

Listen...to get the freedom side of being a non smoker will take some dedication on your part. Just like any other thing you dearly want to achieve in your lifetime, you will have to go through to get the breakthrough. Truthfully, I had many failed attempts. Many excuses as to why I deserved to smoke. Really? How stupid does tha sound. I deserved to smoke.

 

Dont put off this anymore. You are on this site for a reason. You are worth the extra effort it takes to end this Merry go round of quitting. Don't be he fool I was. I waited for a miracle and it only happened when I began the footwork to do whatever it took to implement what we all talk about in here everyday, to have a successful quit. Knowledge is power, denial is pitiful.

 

Dont be Pitiful, be powerful.

The breakthrough came for me when the knowledge made it into my thick stubborn skull. This site is your school.

if you wanna graduate to have a first year in....you gotta do your homework...then you can pass

 

So like I said, you can smoke now or you can quit putting yourself through hell week after hell week and get busy getting busy.  It's your choice. Always has been and always will be. Excuses to smoke??? Not one.

 

Not one Puff Ever N.O.P.E.

Mandolinrain

House Update

Posted by Mandolinrain Aug 1, 2017

So things are still hectic. We have been packing and making arrangements for hubby's Mother to go into Assisted Living, packing our own house of over 30 years....getting rid of things we don't want, Helping my Mom who's having health issues and currantly wearing this stupid boot on my right foot every night since I messed up my Achilles Tendon.

 

Hubby and I found out today that they textured all the ceilings today that were supposed to be flat, so now they have to re do them. Have no idea what's involved but am sure we are in for a delay. Painters had planned to start this Friday or early Monday. Hopefully they still can.

 

heres a pic of the brick in back , hickory and my paint swatch that I finally did and turned in today. I painted a bunch of poster boards to get the colors right. Hubby's happy, so I am happy. Next is horse barn...I truly am dreading going through that. I may just leave a lot of it here. Have a wonderful week everyone. Once all this busy stuff settles I will get here more often