Out of nowhere last night. Only last a millisecond, but it came and scared the shit out of me. Hope I want get in trouble for saying that. But theres no better way to describe it. Then to top it off I had a smoke dream last night that I blew my quit and had to start over.
I had an evening to taking my elderly Mother out last night for dinner. I will not go into detail because frankly it would bore you all to death and the story is much to painful to talk about, but I have struggled many years to have a decent relationship with a Mother who was basically absent all my life and when we are together she basically always likes to 'talk up' my older brother and with each sentence and put me down in the same breath. I have come to accept her behavior and have spent endless in hours in counseling to overcome the hurt I have associated with it.
Well anyway, because she is aging and needing more help I am trying to keep peace between us and not internalize all her negative comments and try to divert her attention to nicer things. So yesterday, my husband had some things he wanted to do and I took Mother for a beautiful countryside drive and dinner afterwards. It was during dinner that she began her rants and complaining about me and throwing me ( basically under the bus again), that I knew I had to take her home and get away from her. Do I did.
Once home, as I pulled into the driveway, the tears poured out and I found myself wanting to go buy smokes. I didn't though. I marched inside the house and and went up and took a long soak in the tub. I told my husband how I had the urge to smoke and he said he was proud of me for not giving in. But that night I dreamed about it again.
Scary to think I am nearly 3 years quit and this happened. I have read about people who have many years under their belt and then they give into the smokes.
I decided to begin a more aggressive walking program this morning and I got in almost 5000 steps and fill absolutely 100% better. I can't let my Mothers negative feedback ruin what I have worked so hard for because I would then resent her even more. I am trying so very hard to forgive her and its just not been an easy road , but I won't stop trying.
Anyway, sorry this is long, I wrote it out more for me to help myself in the future. To go back to. I saw Gregs post before I posted about the alligator he saw in Florida.. Yes, I relate...those ugly things can come out of nowhere when you least Expect them to....the craves.
Take care of yourself everyone. I made it through, but I have my guard up ALL the time now. I am ok. I held tight to my quit and I intend to never let go.
Peace out
