Ashamed and terrified

Blog Post created by Mandolinrain on Aug 1, 2013

I really thought I had it this time. I truly prayed I did. I studied, read and read some more, blogged and blogged. Got into NML and had some stressful days, then some great days.

Bottom line is I made a bad choice. Nobody forced me, I claim total responsibility and no excuses. I apparently have alot to learn yet. One thing not in place was my 'life lines' as I see others who failed in the past, did so for the same reason. But all in all...I smoked.Period. My choice.

I have some things I cannot discuss on these blogs, as it is personal and this is another issue I need to find a way to deal with. Seeing how internet can take our blogs to other sites keeps me from sharing some things that are in the way of my quit. I do have a plan though. It is late tonight, but I wanted to get this off my chest and be honest with everyone in here who ( all of you) have been so terrific in helping me...and I pray, although I am terribly ashamed, that you would allow me to try be free of this horrid addiction.

I realize my old quit date is above here aside my name ( I do not remeber how to change it) and my 'counter' on my home page needs re-set (never had to do that before, so have no idea how to). So please tell me how to do those things and I will get to them tomorrow after my grandson leaves later in day.

I will say ( although this had nothing to do with my 'relapse' the arguing on this site was stressfull for me to read on my bad days...but I stayed anyway...take what you need and leave the rest...I also do not do facebook. This site has more than enough good people in here to suit my needs...and yes, I will take the kicks in the butt as needed and deserved right now...but also enjoy the hug ( not feeling to deserving of them now though).

l had no access to computer when the fall came, thus no other lifelines in place either, not good. I hurt myself more than anyone.  I have yet to read anyones blog who relapsed and was glad of it.

My daughter-in-law , who also smokes, is very serious about quitting and she wants me to do this with her. We are VERY close...she is also a Nurse. Our quit date will be soon, although I can't say exactly when. You all ( provided you respectully allow me to come back here) will be the first to know of my new date.

Meanwhile, I am going to read Allen Carrs book and work on getting life lines in place. I will also go back and read blogs, even my own when I was doing so well in my quit. I need to really see whats going on with me and truly address it. I wish I could say I am quitting right this moment, but it would not be true. If I can give you all anything, it will be my honesty. I care more than you know about you all...I just need to get my act together and take you ALL with me from now on wherever I I always did when I began this journey. I am not walking away from you anymore. Godbless and Goodnight!