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Mandolinrain Blog

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Ellen.....She had to put her beautiful cat Bijou down this afternoon and she's a mess. Please pray for her. This is so hard. She's having so much on her plate now, with Mike and her own health. She's home crying. Prayers now would help.

This is how I felt when I quit. As though a storm  was approaching.

I never knew exactly how bad it would be and I failed many times to be ready for it.


It is so important to be prepared. Life will happen smoking or not smoking. Storms will come.

They also ALWAYS pass.


My Grandmother used to tell me how to know the storm was very close. She would have us count between the thunder rolls.The closer the numbers came together...the closer the storm and we knew it was time to hit the cellar. Her cellar was always prepared for storms with food, water and candles and blankets.


Nicotine craves have warning signs as well. I would start to feel many emotions and I recognized this as the nicotine trying to get my attention. I would feel anxious, tired, angry at the smallest of things..... What were your storm warnings? Certain people would also trigger my storms also.


Yes Storms will happen. But getting through them prepared will make all the difference. Have a safety plan ready for when the come and run~don't walk to you cellar ( or plan ).


Don't wait for the storm to be over top of you before you take action. Have your shelter ready and stocked. You will be grateful later that you could cost you your quit.


Just some food for thought.

Happy belated birthday

( it was yesterday )


I have had a lot of heath struggles recently. I was recently diagnosed with grade C esophigitus  and because I can't take PPI meds, they are considering surgery. I find out what the plan is on August 6th.


 Then problem number 2:


Thyroid. I have had a hard time swallowing and sore throat /ear pain that that won't go away. I also have swollen lymph.  So they did a CT scan and found enlarged thyroid, which lead to thyroid ultrasound. That showed solid nodules. One on the left and one on the right and one smack in the middle. The one on the left is showing vascularity and calcification. That has me being sent for biopsy this Friday. From what I have been reading, its not so much a  big deal.


From what I have been reading ....IF it is thyroid cancer, it extremely treatable wth excellent prognosis.  

I have also read that thyroid nodules are VERY COMMON, so truly , I am not worried no matter what they find.



BUT....I am terrified of needles. Weird, cause I am very familiar with them. I was a surgical asst.. BUT on my end...I am not a good patient.. Probably due  to past negative experiences with them. Man I am SO GOOD at starting IV's myself and such, between it comes to me....sorry...but people just suck at it. Sorry. Truth here.


SOOOOOOO....I need so prayer please. Prayer that I can get through the stupid procedure without panic attack, which I have been having many of recently just thinking about Friday.


Having a hard time?

Posted by Mandolinrain Jul 29, 2018

    It will get easier, I promise. Think of it right now as all the toxins leaving your body. That can be very draining. Drink lots of water, cranberry juice. It helps. Rest. Your body is healing. Lemon water also good detox.
When my kids were small and they took naps, I use to say they were recharging for the next up and about time.
So you are recharging. Your body is re-setting itself and getting prepared to live a healthier life smoke free. Just go with it and don't fight it. Allow yourself time to heal. Sleep when you can. Being tired is normal.
Yes sometimes it will be uncomfortable. Sometimes the hardest things we ever do for ourselves though, produce the most remarkable rewards. 

Look for that reward, expect it. Don't dwell on what the cigarettes , they gave you nothing...just a slow and miserable death sentence.

 Look instead at the new life regenerating within yourself and your soul. Replace the negative with positive.
Stay near this site, keep reading and keep blogging. We are here for you!



Stay strong and determined.

The time is now.

Take back whats yours.

Nicotine is not the boss of you anymore.



In a million years...I never thought I could have this freedom I so enjoy now.

It's time now for you to believe that YOU can.

Picture all of us now...we are all standing together and we believe in you.

Now YOU believe in you.

Are you done going around the same ole mountain or would you like to go around it again and again?


Sometimes you have to get out of your comfort zone, your environment or you will stay limited and held back. When you lose everything, you have nothing to lose and THAT promotes change.


Don’t provide an environment that promotes a comfort zone to smoke. Get rid of the reminders that trigger you. Is alcohol a trigger? Give it up. I mean really…if thats something that goes hand in hand with your smokes….and you just don’t want to let go of an occasional drink ( even though that occasional drink may make you weak and build your desire to smoke) Weigh it out.... Come on…..if you can’t give up an occasional ‘drink’…you seriously may have another addiction you need to address.


Stay away from areas where people are smoking- get rid of reminders….ashtrays, etc.


So your mate smokes….get rid of him/her…HA…just kidding….you can set some boundaries with them though as far as where they smoke.. If they are not willing to do that then you better come here to this site even more often for some enforcement help from us. Many have awesome quits and their loved one still smokes. It is doable. Don't make them your excuse.


Take a look at your past failures. What happened, what were you doing when you ‘caved’. Take a good hard long look and be honest with yourself. Are there people-places or things- negating your quit?


Again, I ask you….are you done going around the same ole mountain? The views great here where I am but you gotta get off that path your on thats leading you right back where you were.
You gotta start and follow through….through the comfort zone….thats where Freedom is waiting for you.


Or……go around the mountain …..again.
You can;t finish what you don’t start.

I did the work. I maintain my efforts by staying vigilant . I come around here to stay accountable and to help lead you off the mountain.

Are you coming?


Missy 1424 Blessed Days of Freedom

It is exactly where I felt would be my only real chance at having success at quitting. I felt it impossible. I felt it hopeless...especially since I had tried SO MANY times and failed.


I tried patches, gum, Meds, hypnosis,lozenges....everything ...I was grumpy ,, frumpy, tired, hungry ( no.... starved, would be more accurate) lazy, angry ...( no...royally Pi#$%@&) to be honest.....I was truly hatful and I hated myself, the ciggs and everyone who looked at me-single eyed-crossed eyed or just 'eyes'!

I hated Drama ( still do) I felt I needed to be far far away from people to quit. Far far away from anywhere that had or sold ciggs.


I thought I needed a deserted Island to be successful.

I was wrong


What I needed was to:

1. ADMIT, yes I was an addict of nicotine

2. SUBMIT a power greater than myself and this program

3. myself to stay on point, determined and to this program and see it through.

Truth be told....You could have stuck me on any deserted Island and it would not have made a difference. I would have found something to light up and smoke.


Until I was willing to ADMIT, SUBMIT AND COMMIT....thats when the magic happened.



 Besides...this Island didn't even have room service!

Imagine that!


Well, thats all I got to say about that.




Beyond the Window

Posted by Mandolinrain Jul 19, 2018

So as an Artist , my inspirations come mostly in the evenings when Its quiet. 


This evening my love has gone on to bed ahead of me and I have been reflecting on many things happening in my life, as well as my quit. These words for a new song and or poem fell on my heart after  wrote them. I titled it BEYOND THE WINDOW.  I started to google the words " Beyond the Window" just to see if there might be a neat picture to put with this blog. What I found was astounding. There is already a song published with this title.

 I found the lyrics this beautiful song called " Beyond the Window


I am sharing to with you as well as my own lyrics/poem titled "Beyond the Wndow" Maybe you will connect. My creator never fails to bring me to my this one did. My own renditions follow after Jasons........ If anyone can attach Jasons video, I would greatly appreciate it~ I just don't know how , I am 'computer challenged".' LOL



Jason Upton lyrics : "Beyond The Window"



Take it real deep inside
Breathe reality inside now
Take a breath of the pure oxygen of heaven now

And just believe... just believe...
Just believe... just believe...
Just believe... just believe...

In the moment where it looks like you lost all your power
In the moment where you are all alone
As you wait for me... as you wait for me...
Sometimes, there's just nothing left to do, so you wait for me

When everybody, that you thought was your friend leaves you
I will never leave you...
I will come to you in the midst of your heartache
I will come to you in the midst of your pain
I will come to you in the midst of your lonleiness
I will come to you in the midst of your rejection

And breathe new life...
Breathe new life into you
Breathe new life into you

Stay and wait wait upon the lord
I will renew your strength
They will run and not get weary
They will walk and shall not faint

I never leave you...
So as you wait
And you wait on me...
As you wait on me

Give you wings like the eagles
New wings, new wings
New power that you never known
As you wait on me

Your not alone...
Breaking off rejection...
He's breaking off rejection...

Look beyond the window there
There's a sky above, there's an open air
Look beyond the window there
There's a sky above, there's open air
Just, look beyond the window there
There's a sky above, there's an open air
Just, look beyond the window there
There's a sky above, there's open air
Yeah, just look beyond the window there
There's a sky above, there's an open air

Don't be afraid...
Your not alone...
Your not alone...

I never leave you
I never leave you

Beyond the window~ my lyrics


Looking out
Somedays all I see is fog
Somedays clouds.......perhaps sun
Somedays rain or storms

Every season~ undeniably the same....

if I look deep enough inside
However still ~ ever  changing


I Have looked down
Nothing to pull forward for
i decided Its better for me to look up
The Heavens await me still
Prompting me to go forward

Beyond my window
I see and feel tears
I see and feel sadness
I wait for the calm
I pray for the direction
I wait for the answer

It will come
So long as I continue to look

I'm still traveling.......

Beyond the window



Another one I wrote. Don't recall if I shared but it revolves around my quit journey



Where have I been
I thought I could say
I was just there

Where will I go
I cannot say
I’ve only this moment
My choice for today

Where am I now
Feelings of sorrow
That I try to hide

Its okay to live
In the moment I’m in’
Apart from comfortable feelings

Accept where I am
Move forward I pray
Tomorrow beacons
New choices …new day.



Today I was hanging a simple shelf out in the garage over my small workspace. You know, one of those rubbermaid, minute maid , whatever the heck you call it. I needed a drill with the right size drill bit, A hammer a Tape measure and a level.

I have, in my studio, an area where I keep all of these items. Of course today..NONE of them were there. WHY???? Because my love of 38 years borrowed them and put them into HIS tool area when he was finished. I know this because MINE are PINK!!! HIS space for tools is a mishmash. I found screwdrivers in the wrench and wrench with nails and nails with drill so many places. UN-FREAKIN-BELIEVABLE! The man knows no organizing skills when it comes to carpentry. HOWEVER. EVERY SINGLE CONCRETE TOOL...EXACTLY in its place. Who KNEW???? UGH!!!


Are you kidding me??? Hours later I finished hanging the dumb shelf. Hours because finding MY tools in HIS disorganized toolbox took FOREVER!!! Not to mention that when I measured and remeasured the ceiling was not level nor was the floor in the garage. Double Crap. Measure twice cut once…yeah right….


Long story short: Don’t share YOUR tools with ANYONE. Keep them where YOU will ALWAYS have access to them.

So we are specking now, after a influx of upsetting words when he reappeared this evening. HA! He won’t dare mess with MY tools again. Hs toolbox has no rhyme or reason to anyone but HIM….just as MY toolbox has no rhyme or reason to anyone except me ( who, by the way , is OCD ) poor guy, no wonder.



A few years ago…I would have smoked over this frustrated afternoon, but instead, I played some great country music, and just kept saying to me-self:


“Self…..this is a beautiful day, we will make this work, we can do it and get ‘er done, aint nothin happening we gotta smoke over “


Bottom line:
Know where your tools are
Know how to use them 

If you do not know how...or where they are…ask for help
There ya go


PS: This was just a bump. We are to strong to allow this to disrupt our marriage, in case your wondering. A pea n a pod, a pod and a pea.....dont take stuff so seriously ...Except our quits!




 I had to do it....just had to!!!!!

Marilyn is on this site DAILY giving us ALL words of encouragement .....

So Come on Exer's...

LETS ROCK THIS CELEBRATION TRAIN for our dear friend over this ENTIRE weekend!



Thank you SO MUCH for all your dedication to this site and to all of us. 




I brought Cake





So you found this site, you want to quit smoking...

Where do you start and more importantly....WHEN


Or perhaps , now looking at my last statement :"Where do you start...."

Both are as equally important.


WHERE TO START -WHEN and then of course...HOW.


Hang on cause your in for a ride of your life. Think of it as an amusement park and your going to venture onto every ride on the way, some you will enjoy, some you will cringe at.




Your doing that now. Your here. You have many options here on advise. EVERYONE on this site wants to see you succeed. Everyone has YOUR best interest at heart and EVERYONE here will share their experiences , what worked for them, what didn't. NOBODY here will be bashing anyones suggestions because we ALL had to discover the best route to our quit that fit for us. You will too. 


Personally I am one to say that you should prepare as though your going to war, because in such as way you are. With nicotine. And as any soldier knows, going to battle prepared is most generally going to give you a better chance at winning the battle.

As every soldier knows....they have to remain vigilant. Ever watching for the enemy to provoke a sneak attack ( crave).


They begin with an outline, a plan and they don't divert from it. They look to their fellow soldiers for support and they lean on them when they come across the least resistance. 


So I always advise to get a good understanding about your enemy before going to war. Read blogs, read Allen Carrs book ' The Easyway to stop smoking' ( short and VERY informative). Get a list going of what triggers your craves and what your going to do when the hit.



I always recommend all of the above first. As a gal who failed miserably many times I found my greatest strength came from the knowledge . Once I knew what I was up against and understood WHY I was craving, I knew better what to do. Like a good soldier...I went into battle fully loaded. Now some here will tell you TODAY is a great day to start. And for many it is. Again, I speck from my own experience and I failed over and over and over again until I quit prepared. Thats just me. And for me it makes sense. I used to break horses years ago. I would never get on a horse without understanding something about it...or I would get bucked off. I needed to do my 'groundwork' first. I needed to understand the beast I was training. Same goes for me and the smokes.




One day at a time. Using the above outline and stay near this site. If your a praying person, reach out to your Higher Power. Come here and blog. Ask questions and be prepared for many different opinions. Some will work, some will not.,...for you....but its not the end of the world.


You have today. Thats all.

This one day

What will you do with it?


I find that reaching out to help someone else will always life me up...even when I do not need lifted. Try it. Pay it forward at the grocery, online...on this site. Get away from yourself and any negative thinking that you can't do this because I am here to tell you ,, can.


Start picturing a healthy you under the fabric of your life. Maybe you have some health issues already...okay, so do I. Many if us in here do. We are not yet pushing daisies though and perhaps we can now begin to heal in areas of our life we never expected to.


This is a long read, I know. Thats cool if you made it through this far, thanks!

I will always be an addict to nicotine. I know I can NEVER smoke just one because as someone else said, " They travel in packs"....Well I am here to tell you WE TRAVEL IN A PACK ALSO. Its called EXcommunity. We help keep each other accountable and strong in our quits. I hope you join us. We truly are a family.


Now go do yourself a favor. Quit going back and forth and get busy getting on with your quit. The suns out here....its all good.




1400 Days Today

Posted by Mandolinrain Jul 3, 2018

I'm pretty happy about that....1400 Days of Freedom from Nicotine


So why the mermaid, dunno?....just thought She was cool. , lol


Anyway, I see s many new people coming onto the site. Hang tight to this site. It provides a blanket of shelter, cover and warmth when you travel through the stormy days.


I have had the luxury of enjoying my grandchildren the past 2 days and again today, so need to get a move on now, but I am happy to know they will never have to endure a smoking Nana. I'm taking care of me, protecting my quit, always vigilant and ever grateful.

Have a wonderful ALMOST 4th of July







Amen to that!



Posted by Mandolinrain Jun 22, 2018

Falling from the cloud
I was there
I held on with all my might
Scared to let go
Scared to see what would become of me if I didn’t.

Would I ever feel normal again
Could I ever have fun again
Would I ever be able to relax

Just relax again…. it troubled me so

I had tried before
So many times
I had tried to let go of the fears....
That saddled me
So unwilling, I stayed a prisoner
Of the demon


I just felt hopeless
But then……

Reaching out
I laid out a new path
I decided ‘NO MORE’

i choose to live
I choose to be out of bondage
I choose to take back control
Of me

It was always there
I just had to take it

Yes, it was hard
I was terrified.
I fought back emotions and cried
I fought back temptations
I hurt…..




I was no fun to be around
I knew this was the demon talking

Then it happened...

I woke up
Days, no , more like a few months
Maybe 3

I was alive
I was not being followed by the shadow
I was tempted now and then,
But I had gained strength
I remained vigilant
I ran with others like me
Who were stronger than I
Who were here long before me
And I drank from their wisdom...
I watered my very soul…my very ambition
I yearned for the wisdom they had to offer...


I came back to me

The one I was always mean to be....


I held on with al my might
Scared to let go
Scared to see what would become of me if I didn’t.


Here I am...


Hard ...yes

Worth it...Very much so

And it feels Damn good

I might add...


Bad days happen

Posted by Mandolinrain Jun 18, 2018

But we don't have to smoke over them.


I used to though. A day like today would have made me smoke....alot.


Its darn near 90 outside and poor me.....I have to water this lawn twice a day.,...and its a huge lawn and it takes 3-4 hours when its this hot out. SO I am bloomin' mad. Hot...tired, plum worn out. I am sun burnt. I am a little peeved that my hubby didn't offer to help. I had just came in and showered and got comfy on this chair and my phone was in the kitchen and I was tired to go get it so I asked him if he would please get it for me...I have a 90 lbs Doberman resting between my legs after all!!!!


So...he walks over picks it up and stares at it as it continues to ring 5 more freakin' times!!!! I say. " hello....would you please bring me the phone, who is it....."????? By the time he gets it to me it stopped ringing. It was his sister who wanted a recipe....( I know this because she then sends a text...) UGH!!!! now I am grinning, laughing. I tell hubby I am sorry. Im still tired. Its supposed to rain tonight, but the yard is wet now, so whatever, he says.

UGH!!!! REALLY??????? i WANNA SMOKE.......NO I DON'T!!! NO I WON'T.


I TURN 60 TOMORROW, POOR-POOR POOR ME, Oh for the love of.......


I am having a over-reactive- post menopausal , ex-smokaholic-stupendius -idiotic - childish will pass.....just like 59 is about


My point is.....Bad days happen smoking or not. 

I am NOT smoking over it.

I'm going to bed early and getting over myself.

We all will wake up a day older....I just want to wake up, lol and still be a non-smoker!

Good freakin Night!