cancel
Showing results for 
Show  only  | Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Share your quitting journey

My Quit Story - Revised Memorial Day Weekend 2008 - dRaFt 2

manofsteele
Member
0 11 62
Memorial Weekend 2008 - Closer to final copy.... but still draft

My Quit Story by Ray Steele aka - Man Of Steele written from scratch Memorial Weekend 2008

This is a draft and when completed will also be in the Reasons I Quit group.

I am not a writer but wanted to put down a few words of my smoke free journey.

My tough Luv life started with me at 9 years old. My mother died of breast cancer leaving my father to raise 4 kids at the age of 33. I am the eldest of four children.

I lost not only my mother but more importantly my best friend at 9 years old and my youngest sister was a 3 year old baby.

My dad drank and smoked. Drank and Smoked a lot. Drank a lot of Scotch and Smoked a lot of Pall Malls. Ray Smoked. Ray Smoked A Lot. Ray Stole an Smoked A Lot of Pall Malls. Ray still can't stand Scotch.

Ray @ 12 looks old enough to buy cigarettes. Now can have filters on his cigarettes. Rays best friend Mike smokes. We both smoked a lot.

Ray is an athlete. A Very Good Athlete. Sports Captain on almost Every Team. Still Smoked. Closet smoker behind Dad's back. Dad quits smoking when I was 17 because woman he was dating hated smoke.

Ray Smokes for years and years and years. Most complain and beg Ray to stop smoking. Ray "trys" to quit. Ray "trys" different quitting methods. Then in the 90's Ray sells a natural Smoke Away product. After over a year of selling the Smoke Away products Ray actually uses Smoke Away in 7 Day product and quits for 5-6 Months. This is the longest Smoke Freedom Ever !

A boss leave for better opportunity and I get a boss that I feel does not like me very much. Excuse is made. Back to Two-Three Packs a day for another 5 years. Then I just stopped "trying" to quit on 04/04/04 and "just quit".

04/04/04 was a day I met with Randall a friend that I typically drank and smoked with on every occasion we would meet. He was also my artists business partners father. Everytime I needed a sounding board he was there for me. Everything we did seemed to include smoking and usually a few beers.

On that day he told me he had 5 months to live with lung cancer but I could continue smoking in front of him. He was told 5-6 weeks before that he needed to quit immediately and he did. He also did chemotherapy and radiation. He would spend the last weeks sucking air through tubes hooked to oxygen tanks.

Damn, a friend is now dying of a smoke related disease and I am a "Loser Attitude" smoker, this sucks 360 degrees. I could never quit. But I at least had my one Smoke Away 5-6 month quit years ago.

I had 9 cigarettes in my pack. I used to buy cartons but lately I would just try to buy 2 packs a day but I kept always thinking I would just stop. The next day 2 more packs. Have you seen the movie Ground Hog Day?

Since I grew up in a strong Catholic family and school environment through High School I have always been a believer but just not real close to God. I had never given up control of my life to him.

I prayed and asked for his help. I also had some Smoke Away Aroma therapy. I try to tell people its one of my favorite tips. It smelled like Vic's vapor rub, a little dab under the nose and boooof it help me cruise through so many craves I had in the beginning. I also had other items in a crave kit. I talk about Crave Kits in the WOrds of Wisdom groups.

I needed some help and not just a little bit. I train and support computer software products. I had not had a job in over 9 months after 9/11 and dot com bomb and computer jobs in India and trying to run a private art company (we made the coolest stone art crosses) depression because it money was being spent much faster than it was coming in.

So I find myself 2 weeks from losing a roof over my head. No job almost no money in the bank and my only natural brother was showing me some tough luv because of lack of rent payment on a house of his I was renting. So times are tense everywhere I looked. The next day I would be having a family intervention about getting any job and leaving art business alone. Stress was in the air.

But its still 04/04/04............ Did not have any preperation for this information. We hugged I probably cried which didn't happen often. I promised I would not smoke in front of him even though he did not have a problem with it and to tell you the truth I think he wanted to smell the smoke. Thats how sick we are to these cancer sticks.

So on the way home I had 3-4 cigarettes in a chain smoking type fassion that happened occassionally on that drive home with the top down in the convertible so God could hear me better.

2 more cigarettes gone and 2 left and I am staring at them and they are staring back at me. I hate you SOB's. I am tired of smelling like crap. Sick and Tired about being Sick and Tired. I can't keep poisoning myself. I promise not to smoke every day that Randall can not have a cigarette.

1 more cigarette smoked. We both look oddly at each other. Each drag was more emotional and dramatic. I hate you. I hate you for killing a friend. I got to be tough. I got to be tough for Randall. I got to be tough for me. Why did I think you were my friend? Why did I go deaf for years ignoring everybody's screams for sanity. How could you fight off everyone in my life just so you would survive.

Hey last cig I am thinking of a song. A 3 dog night song......Oh...You know the One ...I think.....Its that One ...Oh how does it go.........you know One is the loneliest number ...... your it you SOB.... no mas ...no find some more change.... you are history !

Oh but Im going to smoke ya....I bought ya didn't I? ... there are probably smoked starved children somewhere and I can't waste my last cigarette...for ever......stop F'n laughing cig ..... no mas.... you are crap .... you are so yesterday F U buddy F U....F U....did I tell you FU FU FU FU FU lit........

FU...FU.....FU.....drag...............thats the devils smoke and your days are numbered...........................fu fu fu fu fu fu........drag...............this is it ....... God I don't want this anymore........drag.....................lead me away from this poison.................help me lord......I don't want to smoke any more.....

04/05/04.............smoke free.................04/06/04.........................smoke free...........................I find the Smoke Away Support online support group moderated by Dragon Master John and Moonbug1999 Jean. They both were a few months ahead of my quit date and I entered the site as member #102.

Hi Im member #102 and my name is manofsteele because my name is Ray Steele and its been a nickname from many sports venues. In soccer I averaged 2 + goals a game until I was 16 or so and I was 10 times better in Fottball.

Not many men on the site but the most of the men on the site were tough luv graduates. They showed me the importance of the Daily Pledge. It made me accountable to myself and surprisingly it made me accountable to to others in the pledge area.

I met my smoke free buddies there. We all were friendly and supportive but some of us just seemed to click better or faster than others. I was so lucky. I met Tina from Tn the #100 member. She was the best (not really at that time) and we clicked and then there was Casper Mary and Sarah. We pledged , we laughed ....we cared ...we listened..... we started playing word games. We bonded. We started celebrating milestones. We started throwing cigarettes into a bonfires on Fridays that we would have smoked had we not smartened up to quit.

A few months into my quit Randell kept getting worse. I would visit him and listen as he begged for others to turn up his air. Sadly the air was maxed out from the tanks. I was with him the day of his death. It was sad and happy. I was sad he had to struggle so much at the end of his life. I was happy he longer was confined to a little room filled with oxygen tanks. I miss him but I know I have another angel in heaven helping me with Gods will in my life.

We got closer as a group. Jean struggled with COPD and sucked air through tubes for the 4 years I knew her. She was a rock. She was kind and gentle unless she had spent a lot of time with you and you still didn't get it. She showed people her air tubes.

She warned people of the dangers. She did not want anyone to end up like her condition of COPD. I found out later that she did not talk to one of the sweetest couples on our site that slipped because of a death caused that couple with a long term quit to break a long smoke free period and took them 6 months before they were smoke free again.

I clicked with Moonbug Jean....we would cyber dance and try to make each other laugh, sing backwards, play games just luv on each other on IM or chat rooms or in the forums. She liked me because I was adamant about excuses killing quits. I saw many people come up with many excuses but my journey continued. She knew I had many excuses to smoke but decided I wanted to be smoke free more than anything. She was there for any support.

Sorry she made me jump the story a bit. 2 weeks into my quit I finally got a new car sales job at the Ford Car Dealership so I would have a job and my brother would not make me move. Well it was a day late and a dollar short and I was booted out of the house he owned with 2 days at a new job with all the car salesmen seemed to smoke.

So if I wanted excuses I was given plenty. New Job, No place to live, Things boxed up and put in storage. Money almost dried up. It cost $300 to even get that Car Sales Job....lol and trying to meet new people at the job that all smoked.

I said no to excuses and the online support, daily pledges, quit parties, quit buddies, game room, words of wisdom and prayers got me through it one day at a time.

So when I support I do not buy anyones excuses. I quit on the spot after finding a friend in need of support. I only had some smelly stuff and no other physical help. More Stress than I can ever remember having experienced all at one time at the beginning of my smoke free journey that started 04/04/04.

I had just tried all those other times. I needed this to be different. So if the old ways did not work I needed to find new ways to stay smoke free. I think I have heard Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting different results. So if people keep "trying" the same ways to quit before and fail I did not want to even try to relate to their excuses. And there are a million excuses ....and I do not care about anyones excuses. Not One Puff Ever means just that = NOPE.

I have spent the 4 years helping supporting and paying back my mentors and peers by helping support the way I was supported. So you can go back and see the 4 years of my comments to others. The Good, the bad and the ugly. I always intend to say something positive in every post of support online. I can be a smart ass at times and can be misunderstood because you can not always tell the way the words are really written and can be taken poorly when not meant.

Fast Forward January 2007 I have a strong 33 month + smoke free...dom journey going on and I meet Dani Johnson. I went to a Sales Seminar and it brought me closer to God than I had been in a long time. As a smoker I seemed to conveniently avoid God during most of my smoking life. I went to church, got married in a church but did not ever totally give myself to God and Dani is talking about this in her seminar. What a great experience. It was a 2 Day Event called First Steps. I encourage anyone wanting to be the best they can be to take Dani Johnson Seminars.

I attended Dani's 3 day seminar in late May 07 in Minnesota called Creating a Dynasty. Again knocks me off my socks and I get an even deeper relationship with God and now I am attending and enjoying church services from a non denominational church 25 miles from where I lived. My faith has just continued to get stronger and stronger and life has been getting so much inner peaceful in a highly stressful time currently. On Palm Sunday of 2008 I was water baptized. I have found that I enjoy the relationship I am having with God now that I never seemed to have as a smoker.

I saw a vision to explore the EX site. I liked the possibility of this type of environment to excel. I was sad and excited at the same time. The Super person know to us as Moonbug1999 Jean had a knee operation in April of this year. We had the best IM chat just about a week before the surgery. I thought so lightly of the surgery that I had posts where I was being more playful than prayerful in public. After the surgery and because of her breathing problems there were additional problems and she just never made it. It came as a complete surprise to me and I think most that knew her.

So I arrive at this EX site and its like I could see Moonbug just dancing all over the site saying look superman I can breathe again ...no coughing....no gurgling.....oh MOS I would have loved it here. So I wrote a post about it at my Smoke Away Support and told others that I found a situation where the knowledge and support Moonbug Jean gave us and so many others still needed to be shared with those really wanting to learn to quit for good. It was special as one by one they would surprise me and ask to be a friend. I kept seeing visions to build it and they would come just like the baseball movie the Field of Dreams.

I set up groups that I thought could help others the quickest from the experience and knowledge I gained at multiple sites the last 4+ years. So even though some people I invited here to EX think we have a lot of groups to support I still think there are still a few to grow. The way I want it to grow is being closer to God and doing what his will for us. I want less of self and more of him. I want to be reborn every morning I wake. I am now starting to read the Bible more this year than probably in my entire life. I am seeing visions of me helping others get closer to God because of their will to be smoke free with Gods help.

Experience tells me many smokers are not very close to God at this point in their life. They may even attend church but are not giving thanks and praise everyday. They seem to just have a relationship that is constantly asking for favor but not always letting God control their life. Most smokers are selfish to their addictive wants and desires and thanks and praise is typically minimal if at all.

It is sad. I never did give God all the thanks and praise he deserved for saving me from the bondage of cigarettes. I gave myself the credit for being strong. I did not give him the credit for finding me the Smoke Away or their website of support. Now I know God helped me so much more than he was given thanks for in my life.

So I am seeing a vision that says some people would rather do it the harder way then to talk to somebody that wants to do with thanks and praise. I also see those that need an excuse to get back in Gods favor. I also see those that will give me a chance to help them talk to God in a way that also gives them smoke free...dom in a thanks, praise, worship and daily prayer manner.

Now you are current with my smoke free journey to the Memorial Weekend where I want to Introduce my twin to this site to help those not interested in the tough luv of ManofSteele but wants to do it the easy way with the Lords Help.

My twin wants to have a chance to help those that God may have let them have a smoking problem and are so desperate to quit that they will have the opportunity to seek and find God again in their life. I hope all will respect the knowledge and wisdom that also be learned with Gods help.

Please be kind and supportive to my twin the Man of Peace.


So.............there...................thats my story.............and I'm sticking to it ..............

unless I change it........................ comments???

Want to see more of my last 4 years at Smoke Away Support - Part 1 are my first days in my Smoke Free Journey. Part 2 - Is when I left the site long enough to forget my password so I got another similar User Id.

Ray Steele - thanks to my peers that followed me here and are making this so special with their individual gifts.
11 Comments
About the Author
Gone but Not Forgotten. RIP - they leave a legacy of their quit journeys behind as road maps for future members, to prevent the pitfalls, provide the tools and show the hope and possibilities for success at overcoming this addiction at any age at any stage. YOU CAN DO IT ... we can help .....just ask !