A repost of mine from "elsewhere" ... October 2019.
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You returned to smoking? You feel it’s impossible for you to Stay Quit? Being quit for any length of time brings up “stuff” you can’t handle? Nobody really understands because they have not been through what you’ve been through & survived to still be here smoke free? How do you know?
Quitting smoking is much more than “just” about quitting smoking. It really is, that is if you allow it to be for yourself. Staying quit may require that you open yourself up to old wounds you still carry that define you. Staying quit may require you to deal with the people & things from your past that hurt you to your very core. It can be a good thing although it does hurt & it’s very hard personal work.
Perspective IS everything. Maybe instead of looking at it as a “demon” you might want to consider it a grand opportunity to address the injustice(s) you experienced now as an adult. Instead of becoming hard core maybe be selfish & just focus on yourself for a bit to open up, address, and heal the old “stuff” in your life. It’s a process. It doesn’t happen overnight.
The events that happen to us in life may teach us a lesson. I believe that, even though it is hard to understand the “whys” sometimes but I also believe we were not meant to always understand it but to have faith (maybe it changed us in some way to benefit others?). I don't really know. I do know that when we end up dealing with our trials & tribulations we learn that they do not necessarily have tocontinue to define us but instead set the stage for voluntary change within us.
Quitting smoking is the perfect cauldron for our brewing “stuff”. Instead of feeling defeated or wallowing in your past I hope you push forward & focus ahead and begin to do the unraveling of it for yourself. It is worth the angst to come out the other side of it. It truly is. You can do it!
I wear a bracelet (alongside my FitBit lol) that says “Be the Change” to remind myself that ACTION & EXAMPLE is more important than blow hard talk & self pity. I wish you all who need it in your Stay Quit process … eventual peace. “Be the Change”.