I know this quitting business is going to be a continued challenge and I am trying to keep things as positive as I can muster right now and I'm not mustering much in the way of positivity.
When I finish a chore or task, I am missing my reward and left feeling unfulfilled by not paying myself with smoking my drug. This makes me sad and sometimes even angry which also makes me want a cigarette to "heal" my mood because I'm a sick addict.
Wait a minute, I'm feeling lost because I'm not treating myself to a cigarette that is going to take my life away from me someday if I don't let them go? This is how I know I am sick, I am a junkie.
I know some tricks that might help a bit but they don't seem to fulfill the need I have deep inside me that is going unmet. I'm an addict, a nicotine junkie to be exact and I let myself be fooled into a one sided and imaginary love affair with my perpetrator nicotine because I am not nearly as enlightened and intelligent as I have always believed of myself. I'm just a basic addict.
I don't feel like I am craving nicotine as much as I am craving a reward or smoking memories but I can't tell because I'm a junkie and I don't know if I am able to differentiate at this point. I just know my emotions want my drug even when my mind knows better. I don't want to be this mentally sick.
I don't trust myself in certain situations, so I avoid them because I'm a recovering addict. I have to protect my position because no one is going to do this for me and I want to know who I am before I leave this world. I don't want to leave here gasping for air, although, I know there is no guarantee after all these years I have spent killing myself by living a junkie's life.
I only know myself as an addict and that is scary. I don't know how to live without being a nicotine junkie but I want to get to know my true and free self. The self I should have been instead of the self I am. I have spent almost 40 years smoking and I'm going to be 50 this year. I'm scared to be 50 on top of the other changes and this also makes me want my drug since I think like an addict thinks.
I cry and feel sorry for myself because I want my drug and I'm choosing to deny myself nicotine because I don't want to be this# junkie into my 5th decade of life. What a mess I have created. I'm obviously not a "happy quitter" even though I made this choice. I will just remain unhappy until I'm not anymore. Who cares? As long as I'm quit.
My addictive thoughts are battering me right now. I will have to suffer the consequences for a while or until my assassin realizes he isn't going to get the best of me. I have never allowed anyone to treat me as cruelly as I have allowed my relationship with nicotine to treat me. I don't want to be your basic addict.
