My grandparents raised me.My Nanny was sick with lung cancer for a long time and died from complications from it in 2002, I was a young mother then, a scared mother because I didn't have anyone else. My Nanny, she was the only woman that ever loved me, my bio mother didn't want me. I was happy when my Nanny died, I was so glad that her suffering was over and she didn't have to live in pain any longer. (Who is happy when someone dies? What is wrong with me?) It took me a long time to wish her suffering over, I was only thinking of my loss at that time. It is very hard to wait for and watch someone you love more than anything die. My Nanny, she hated that I smoked like my Granddad. My Nanny never smoked one cigarette in her whole life and while she was sick and dying with the lung cancer she didn't deserve to by dying from, she begged me to quit smoking. I used to tell her that she never smoked and got lung cancer and that none of us ever know what we will die from. (I was young and addicted to nicotine, what a dummy I was to say this to her, what is wrong with me?). My Granddad smoked, he used to toss his half smoked cigarettes in the yard and eventually, I picked them up and took them behind the garage to see what he was so enamored with, I was 11 then. Now, I know what he was enamored with, an addiction to Nicotine). I became enamored with my nicotine addiction too. I got the sickness of an addict.
I quit Nanny, I'm done. I quit for me, I quit for my child and I quit for my grand girl and I quit for you and my Granddad too. I know you loved me with all of your heart and all that you had, just as I loved you with all that you taught me, all the love and acceptance that you gave me. I may die from what you died from but I won't die addicted,just like you didn't die addicted. I miss you,I love you, I am you.
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