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Kimshine's blog

41 posts

A basic addict

Posted by Kimshine Mar 21, 2018

 I know this quitting business is going to be a continued challenge and I am trying to keep things as positive as I can muster right now and I'm not mustering much in the way of positivity.


 When I finish a chore or task, I am missing my reward and left feeling unfulfilled by not paying myself with smoking my drug. This makes me sad and sometimes even angry which also makes me want a cigarette to "heal" my mood because I'm a sick addict.


Wait a minute, I'm feeling lost because I'm not treating myself to a cigarette that is going to take my life away from me someday if I don't let them go? This is how I know I am sick, I am a junkie.


I know some tricks that might help a bit but they don't seem to fulfill the need I have deep inside me that is going unmet. I'm an addict, a nicotine junkie to be exact and I let myself be fooled into a one sided and imaginary love affair with my perpetrator nicotine because I am not nearly as enlightened and intelligent as I have always believed of myself. I'm just a basic addict.


I don't feel like I am craving nicotine as much as I am craving a reward or smoking memories but I can't tell because I'm a junkie and I don't know if I am able to differentiate at this point. I just know my emotions want my drug even when my mind knows better. I don't want to be this mentally sick.


I don't trust myself in certain situations, so I avoid them because I'm a recovering addict. I have to protect my position because no one is going to do this for me and I want to know who I am before I leave this world. I don't want to leave here gasping for air, although, I know there is no guarantee after all these years I have spent killing myself by living a junkie's life.


I only know myself as an addict and that is scary. I don't know how to live without being a nicotine junkie but I want to get to know my true and free self. The self I should have been instead of the self I am. I have spent almost 40 years smoking and I'm going to be 50 this year. I'm scared to be 50 on top of the other changes and this also makes me want my drug since I think like an addict thinks.


I cry and feel sorry for myself because I want my drug and I'm choosing to deny myself nicotine because I don't want to be this# junkie into my 5th decade of life. What a mess I have created. I'm obviously not a "happy quitter" even though I made this choice. I will just remain unhappy until I'm not anymore. Who cares? As long as I'm quit.


My addictive thoughts are battering me right now. I will have to suffer the consequences for a while or until my assassin realizes he isn't going to get the best of me. I have never allowed anyone to treat me as cruelly as I have allowed my relationship with nicotine to treat me. I don't want to be your basic addict.


Stinking Thinking

Posted by Kimshine Mar 13, 2018

This morning, my addiction to nicotine had me entertaining sick thoughts. My addiction tried to make me believe that since I didn't plan a quit date and made an impromptu decision to quit that I have somehow cheated myself out of truly getting to enjoy my last few packs of cigarettes. I do know that this is STINKING THINKING and I haven't been cheated out of a darn thing.Just goes to show how ugly and tricky addiction is. 


 Today is the first day I left my house since I came home last Friday evening. I was scared to drive (a trigger). I just had to get out today to take care of some errands that I had been putting off. I found 2 packs of unopened cigarettes in the glove compartment and tossed them into the garbage can on my way inside the store. I did contemplate smoking one since I had gotten cheated out of some enjoyment. I KNEW BETTER.


I was a success! As a smoker, I would reward myself with a smoke each time I got back into the car to head to my next destination. Today, I sang really loud in the car and drank a lot of cold water. 


Today I Made A Choice.

Posted by Kimshine Mar 10, 2018

I bought 2 cartons of cigarettes on January 14th and my goal was that they would be the last of them.  Here I am on March 10th with a full pack still left and about 3 smoked from another pack. I looked at my cigarettes this morning but I Chose not to smoke them. I know what to do, I've traveled this path before. I don't need to gear up for anything, as I have been telling myself since January. All I needed to do was decide and now the decision has been made. I know what to do and my quit kit toolbox has been prepared for weeks.  I know what my goal is and I choose today to begin. Five minutes ago, I said goodbye to those cigarettes, I could have made them last another week. Under the faucet and into the garbage can the cigarettes went. There is no day more beautiful and perfect to begin my journey of loving myself and improving my health!


How do I reset my quit date? I have old information and I want to celebrate this day! 


Kim-1-6-16 Archived Profile

Posted by Kimshine Jan 23, 2017



I started smoking my Grandads' cigarettes 36yrs. ago (I was 11 yrs). He'd toss them into the grass and, I'd quickly run the little butt back behind the garage so that it  wouldn't burn ou before I could smoke it. It was hard to come by fire when you were 11yrs. old in my day and time so I had to move quickly. 

I was a hairstylist for the first 21yrs. of my career and if you know many hairstylists from the 80's, we sure were  some smoking, drinking, partying girls and I did my fair share of drinking, smoking and other things unmentionable! However, the smoking remained after I grew into womanhood.

 Now, I am a Medical Assistant and the Grandmother of a beautiful 4 month old granddaughter. ( I don't want any of my icky smoke around her!)  She lives with me because My daughter is a young (18yr. Old) mother that is finishing up with high school.

Since I work in health care now, I have to quit smoking. I was let go right before Christmas from my position for being a smoker (of course, that was not the actual reason given, for that would be discrimination). And because many  Major facilities are not hiring smokers ( it's part of the drug screen)  I am at a loss of employment at the worst time possible. I have a daughter and granddaughter to take care of for a little longer and smoking is no longer a priority in my life and I could kick myself for ever making it such! But I'm not going to beat myself up over that! I just want to become a quitter!

I am doing this for me! I have been saying to myself for at least 8 years that I hate being a smoker, but when ever I thought about quitting, I didn't know how. I learned a ton about smokers and myself from Allen Carr's book, The Easy Way To Quit Smoking, In fact, without it I would not have had any success!

I am leaving the link for anyone who wants to be a quitter too


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Happy Easter Holiday, everyone!

I have had my grand girl with me this entire weekend and we have had so much fun! Yesterday we went to the park for several hours, enjoyed a nice salad lunch (my 3yo girl's favorite meal is a spinach/kale salad packed with all sorts of veggies) and colored our Easter eggs. We played outside on the swingset and blew bubbles all over the yard till 9 pm last night. I thought I wore her out but after her bath she wanted to watch her favorite Haloween show because kids are funny like that.  I am waiting for her to wake up so I can give her, her Easter basket. I don't buy much candy for kids so I fill the basket with bubbles, chalk, a swimsuit and sandles, plastic eggs filled with stickers and other tiny trinkets. Later we will go to an egg hunt and then come home for another salad for lunch. I love this girl and I love not breaking for a smoke!

God bless and make it a beautiful day!

When I was a smoker and I had a painting project at home, I always smoked like a chimney. It was the only time I smoked in my house. I suppose I wouldn't have got much work done if I had to keep breaking from painting to go get my nicotine fix. Today, I painted my bathroom and I had smoking memories like crazy. I was victorious though!  I thought about smoking this entire day...Tomorrow, I have to paint a hallway. I am prepared with some cough drops, they seem to help me a bit. I'm not going to smoke over it!

Have a happy weekend everyone!


My dream self.

Posted by Kimshine Mar 9, 2016

Last night I had a smokemare. I was just smoking away while gardening and realized that I didn't smoke anymore. How was I going to tell all of you? In my dream, I decided that I wasn't going to tell anyone that I blew it. I was just going to carry on and pretend that it didn't happen and I would just keep stacking my days like I never relapsed. Wow, my dream self doesn't have much integrity. Sort of dissapointed in my dream self so I decided upon awakening that I'd blog about it to redeem myself.

Anyway, I'm still smoke free with 63 days of beautiful freedom!!


I am you.

Posted by Kimshine Feb 25, 2016

My grandparents raised me.My Nanny was sick with lung cancer for a long time and died from complications from it in 2002, I was a young mother then, a scared mother because I didn't have anyone else. My Nanny, she was the only woman that ever loved me, my bio mother didn't want me.  I was happy when my Nanny died, I was so glad that her suffering was over and she didn't have to live in pain any longer. (Who is happy when someone dies? What is wrong with me?)  It took me a long time to wish her suffering over, I was only thinking of my loss at that time. It is very hard to wait for and watch someone you love more than anything die. My Nanny, she hated that I smoked like my Granddad. My Nanny never smoked one cigarette in her whole life and while she was sick and dying  with the lung cancer she didn't deserve to by dying from, she begged me to quit smoking. I used to tell her that she never smoked and got lung cancer and that none of us ever know what we will die from. (I was young and addicted to nicotine, what a dummy I was to say this to her, what is wrong with me?). My Granddad smoked, he used to toss his half smoked cigarettes in the yard and eventually, I picked them up and  took them behind the garage to see what he was so enamored with, I was 11 then. Now, I know what he was enamored with, an addiction to Nicotine). I became enamored with my nicotine addiction too. I got the sickness of an addict.

I quit Nanny, I'm done. I quit for me, I quit for my child and I quit for my grand girl and I quit for you and my Granddad too. I know you loved me with all of your heart and all that you had, just as I loved you with all that you taught me, all the love and acceptance that you gave me. I may die from what you died from but I won't die addicted,just like you didn't die addicted. I miss you,I love you, I am you.


I am happy to announce...

Posted by Kimshine Feb 11, 2016

That I had a wonderful interview in a pediatricians office on Tuesday. Today the office manager called to offer me the position, I accepted. I am so thankful for this fantastic opportunity! The pay is very nice and they will pay 85% of my health insurance and 100% of dental and vision insurance. I will also recieve a scrub allowance. In addition to this good news, I will be having a new renter next month in my 2 family apartment building. Things are definitely starting to look up for me.

I am so happy that I will be returning to work a non smoker. I will smell clean and I won't be jonsing the whole day to get in my car to smoke! I want to thank everyone for the continued support. I am so excited to start this new chapter in my life!

The Desiderata 

Go placidly amid the noise and haste, and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender, be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly; and listen to others, even to the dull and ignorant; they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons; they are vexations to the spirit. If you compare yourself with others, you may become vain or bitter, for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans. Keep interested in your own career, however humble, it's a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs, for the world is full of trickery. But let this not blind you to what virtue there is; many persons strive for high ideals, and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love; for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment, it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years, gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune. But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings. Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. And whether or not it is clear to you, no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God, whatever you conceive him to be. And whatever your labors and aspirations, in the noisy confusion of life, keep peace in your soul. With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

Max Ehrmann


1 Month

Posted by Kimshine Feb 6, 2016

Today I'm celebrating my 1 month of FREEDOM!

I want to thank all of you for encouraging me along the way! The cessation of smoking has been the easiest part of my small journey so far. I, like many others, am dealing with uncertian times right now. I'm a little scared about my future and I have concerns about some of my family and I just want to express my gratitude to those who are willing to reach out and offer your hand. We all love differently and I enjoy all the expressions from each of you in our diverse group.

Thanks for all of the community support!


Life isn't always fair.

Posted by Kimshine Jan 31, 2016

Hello Exers, I'm here with 25 days and I'm so proud of it! I am physically healthy and so thankful for that. However, I do have some emotional situations to overcome. I'm down and sad.

I'm not working and it leaves me with so much time on my hands. I have a daughter that I love with all of my heart. She is a very young mother and financially unstable. She is a mother to my 3yo. granddaughter that I also love with all of my heart.

Due to my daughter's immaturity she is so very interested in finding a boyfriend. Her first priority has never been my granddaughter. My granddaughter has lived in the homes of her mother's boyfriends  parents. She has lived in more places in her 3 short years than I have in my 47 years. It has been such a struggle watching the instability and the moving from home to home this baby endures.

I have a 2 family apartment building and recently my girls just left. They were here for 2 months in between my daughter's boyfriends. While they were here I got my granddaughter enrolled in preschool. She doesn't go anymore since leaving because my daughter can't afford cigarettes and daycare and half the bills at her current boyfriend's parent's apartment. Currently Aubree, my granddaughter, shares a bedroom with my daughter, her 18yr old boyfriend and my granddaughter said to me "Nanna, I sleep on the floor and it is sooooo cold!" She wrapped her little arms around her body to show me how she shivers. It broke me!

I have contacted lawyers and children's services through the years but as long as the mother provides a roof (no matter whose roof it is or who provides it) clothing and food, I can't do anything about it. I would keep her until my daughter becomes stable in a minute if I were allowed. Children's services are proactive and not reactive. Meaning, that the child has to be hurt before they can help me to attain guardianship. My daughter leaves my granddaughter with the family of one of her girlfiriends for 4-5 days at a time without visiting her. The enviornment there is terrible but at least I know the people feed and care for her.

My daughter won't leave her with me like that because I judge her when I find out that she is neglecting my grandchild.I have asked her time after time to leave her with me until she is able to provide stability but she doesn't see a problem with this lifestyle or leaving her with another family for days at a time. I'm forever at a loss as to how to handle it. I know no one can really help me but I just needed to vent. I'm still not going to smoke because when my granddaughter is with me, I can dance and chase her which are some of her favorite things to do and smoking won't change my heartache over the situation. I will be a non smoker just in case I ever do get to keep this beautiful child with me.


Job Interview

Posted by Kimshine Jan 26, 2016

First I'd like to thank Dale for getting the prayer and good vibe warriors to wish me well.

It seems to me the interview whent well but you know it's always hard to tell until they actually offer you the job. I think I nailed what they were looking for, I hope they think I did also! The office manager said that she doesn't necessarily call everyone back, only the ones she likes and if I don't hear from her by mid week, next week that I can expect that they don't find me a fit. :(

Before I left for the interview this mornig, I was entertaing the thought that as a smoker, I would have been puffing away. I did some deep breathing to move me forward. During the actual interview, I  didn't notice if I was romancing thoughts of cigarettes, so I'm going to say that I wasn't! After the interview I spent my time thinking and wondering if they liked me or if they thought I may be a fit for their company. I didn't even think about smoking until I got home and realized that I didn't think about smoking after the stress of the morning

Thanks to everyone for being here to support me! Man, I hope I get this job!!

20 DOF

I am so wakeful and I would really love to get a good 7-8 hour stretch of sleep. I'm not sure if this is due to not smoking, active thoughts of not working or a combination of both. I seem to be able to fall asleep just fine around 11pm but then I'm fully awake again around 3am with the inability to get back to sleep. I have tried breathing and relaxation techniques with no luck. I don't want to take any medicines to make me sleep because it only makes me feel foggy the next day. I have been feeling down and foggy enough lately. Any suggestions?