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All People > JustSharon > JustSharon Blog > 2017 > September
2017

A bit gross inside......

Posted by JustSharon Sep 14, 2017

My quit date: 9/15/2017 TOMORROW. I have a few left in a pack that I just have to finish in order for my mind to move. Should be done with those around noon today. I wanted to make tomorrow my quit day so I wake clean and ready to tackle the day.

     Last night I learned something powerful about myself and all my excuses and failures. While I was busy hacking up a lung, my only true motivation, the one deep down to quit was money. Each month I would say, we are done, we have no money for this. (yes Jake is smoking and is not ready to quit which is his problem not mine). And each month we somehow found the money to smoke. Therein I had my excuse not to be serious about a quit. at least not yet.

     All summer long I smoked more and more. It has just been of recent that with every single puff I would cough and cough and spit and spit some more. My back would ache with the pain of muscles being pulled. my hernia repair job (for those who remember) was being stresses and strained. If I get another hernia it will be another medical emergency, which would mean yet another 6 months till the first knee surgery I haven't had yet. 

     I paid real close attention the last couple of days to just how awful I sounded and felt. Sitting outside all the while wondering if the neighbors were going to come over and ask me to keep my bodily functions to myself, oh the dread of that.

     I am sick and tired of all the warnings from my doctors. Sick of their advice as I rebelled and defended my right. Well last night was the turning point. I coughed so hard once I puked. "That's It" I told me. Plain and simple. Much more is going on here than money. I'm really killing myself. A realization I could once not accept. I can no longer take the cough, the spitting, splitting head and a back that just staved up. And to think, I don't have to feel this way. Herein lies the truth. I'm ashamed of all my past excuses. They no longer matter because all those excuses were lies. Tried as I did to quit, I had to arrive here. 

     So here is the time I've been waiting for, the bare truth.

HERE I AM

Posted by JustSharon Sep 7, 2017

How very much I have missed you all! I have thought of you often and still pray for all of you. So, where have I been since April/May, can't even remember when...been smoking in my back yard. I never ceased trying to quit, but still have fallen on my face. I have tried all methods of quitting that I have learned here and still failed. I finally grew weary, threw up my hands and said "dammit, I'm a smoker I guess I will always be that way. Deep down in my heart I have known that isn't true, look, I'm here now. What's new??? This morning I started Wellbutrin and am so hoping it will be the final assist I need. I'm desperate all! I'm going to give this med a day or two to get in me system and then work out a plan and quitting date. I pray you all will still be with me. 

     Since my grandson Maison moved here in June, my office doubles as his bedroom too. Throughout the summer he was a late sleeper and I like to use my computer early mornings so I haven't been here to see how everyone is doing. I do Hope well. Maison is back in school now so hopefully I can get caught up. That's about all I have to say for now. Thanks for listening. Sharon