Finding me

[JustSharon]

@

@Marilyn.H.July.14.14. she wrote:

" start believing in yourself and be willing to go through the initial ups and downs that may take a few weeks or longer to get through but you must stick with your quit, Chin up and know in your heart and soul that you will be successful one precious smoke free day at a time."

I have been sitting on my back porch smoking for hours, dipping into this thick skull of mine trying to decide what my problem is. I'm getting no where in my head Then I came to read @Marilyn.H.July.14.14. blog to read this and my mind became to know that believing in myself is the key to unlock the door to freedom.. yet believing in myself I do not find. I don't know how to find it if I tried. I suffer from bipolar disorder (I'm on medications) and there are times my mind just races and its hard to hold on to a thought. There are often times of confusion and low self esteem. Right now that is where I'm at. I'm on all new medications and they aren't working well at all, being in this state of mind is proof of that. They took away the regimen I had when I was hospitalized after my hernia surgery. I was perfectly fine then, but they were concerned about my kidneys' so they removed the one medication that kept me stable and being myself. I felt normal then. Now I'm wrestling with feelings and actions that I do not like or want. Smoking is one of them. I'm going through indecisiveness over the matter. I have an appointment just about these meds on the 5th of April. I pray then that my old meds might be reconsidered. So now I've said it, shared it, who and what I really am. That was hard to do, but I felt it necessary to explain why I may be having so much trouble laying down the smokes and starting a new quit.

I want so much to believe in myself and be willing to go the distance, but for now I smoke. Thanks for listening.