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JustSharon Blog

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JustSharon

A bit gross inside......

Posted by JustSharon Sep 14, 2017

My quit date: 9/15/2017 TOMORROW. I have a few left in a pack that I just have to finish in order for my mind to move. Should be done with those around noon today. I wanted to make tomorrow my quit day so I wake clean and ready to tackle the day.

     Last night I learned something powerful about myself and all my excuses and failures. While I was busy hacking up a lung, my only true motivation, the one deep down to quit was money. Each month I would say, we are done, we have no money for this. (yes Jake is smoking and is not ready to quit which is his problem not mine). And each month we somehow found the money to smoke. Therein I had my excuse not to be serious about a quit. at least not yet.

     All summer long I smoked more and more. It has just been of recent that with every single puff I would cough and cough and spit and spit some more. My back would ache with the pain of muscles being pulled. my hernia repair job (for those who remember) was being stresses and strained. If I get another hernia it will be another medical emergency, which would mean yet another 6 months till the first knee surgery I haven't had yet. 

     I paid real close attention the last couple of days to just how awful I sounded and felt. Sitting outside all the while wondering if the neighbors were going to come over and ask me to keep my bodily functions to myself, oh the dread of that.

     I am sick and tired of all the warnings from my doctors. Sick of their advice as I rebelled and defended my right. Well last night was the turning point. I coughed so hard once I puked. "That's It" I told me. Plain and simple. Much more is going on here than money. I'm really killing myself. A realization I could once not accept. I can no longer take the cough, the spitting, splitting head and a back that just staved up. And to think, I don't have to feel this way. Herein lies the truth. I'm ashamed of all my past excuses. They no longer matter because all those excuses were lies. Tried as I did to quit, I had to arrive here. 

     So here is the time I've been waiting for, the bare truth.

JustSharon

HERE I AM

Posted by JustSharon Sep 7, 2017

How very much I have missed you all! I have thought of you often and still pray for all of you. So, where have I been since April/May, can't even remember when...been smoking in my back yard. I never ceased trying to quit, but still have fallen on my face. I have tried all methods of quitting that I have learned here and still failed. I finally grew weary, threw up my hands and said "dammit, I'm a smoker I guess I will always be that way. Deep down in my heart I have known that isn't true, look, I'm here now. What's new??? This morning I started Wellbutrin and am so hoping it will be the final assist I need. I'm desperate all! I'm going to give this med a day or two to get in me system and then work out a plan and quitting date. I pray you all will still be with me. 

     Since my grandson Maison moved here in June, my office doubles as his bedroom too. Throughout the summer he was a late sleeper and I like to use my computer early mornings so I haven't been here to see how everyone is doing. I do Hope well. Maison is back in school now so hopefully I can get caught up. That's about all I have to say for now. Thanks for listening. Sharon

JustSharon

Acceptance Part Two

Posted by JustSharon May 31, 2017

I started this last night, sorry to leave you hanging but I was just to tired to keep my thoughts in tact. If you can remember one my last blogs : Where did I go wrong", this is a bit of a continuation there of. I may mention things that were said to me. though I can't remember by whom and only love is intended as no on said anything to me that wasn't true. One question asked of me was "how do we get through the excuses. I was told I have the answer to that.  I've learned that it is by acceptance. I can grasp that and I will tell you how that hit home in a minute.

Someone said self discipline=self esteem. True as that may be, I disagree. I believe acceptance breeds self esteem. something I don't have much of. Someone said you have to start to go somewhere...I'm ready for that. in little chunks until all I've learned is working for me and with me. 

How I've learned this, by my 31 year old daughter who so lovingly pointed out my self esteem issues. You see, she goes to AA daily and is in an outpatient alcohol treatment program. Yesterday I asked her to share with me self esteem when she learns it in AA. Fortunately that is exactly where she was in the program. We got into a lengthy talk about self esteem and the end result of all that was that I need to take time to take care of myself (quit smoking)so that I am here to take care of others. It's not that I don't know these things, its that I didn't know how to accomplish them. To hear my own daughter show me where I lack self esteem really hit the ball home.

Then came acceptance. One must accept their shortcomings and forgive themselves. One must accept themselves for who they are, not for who they think they should be. It's all so very simple really. After our little talk, we hugged hard and I cried my eyes out. Who would have thought that my "troubled daughter" would have the answers I needed.

Any hoo, I can accept myself for who I am and I can certainly practice putting myself first. What's it all got to do with quitting smoking? Everything! I must love myself in order to love others and accept that as my truth. When I accept all that, there are no more excuses. I will set a date real soon. I'm going into practice mode for a bit, weaning off so to speak and being vigilant about reading, studying and learning more about addiction first hand from my daughter. And there you have it. By acceptance I'm working on a new me.

JustSharon

Acceptance

Posted by JustSharon May 30, 2017

.....is how to get through the excuses. More tomorrow, I'm tired and I really want to share more, so look for me tomorrow. Much love to my family!

JustSharon

Where have I gone wrong?

Posted by JustSharon May 27, 2017

This is a question I've been asking myself for days. I know how to quit smoking, I know why I should quit smoking, I have a very supportive family here at EX, I am well aware of what addiction is and how it works. I at one time quit for 3.5 years and those were some of the happiest years of my life. Why did I throw it all away then. EXCUSES! My Jake had been quit for 17.5 years and had gotten into a huge fight with our daughter, I can't elaborate, but for the fact that it was mean and hateful. I came in from outside to see if he had calmed down and I couldn't find him. I went to the garage and the car was gone. He came back, after all those years with a pack of cigarettes. At that moment in all the turmoil, I asked, "where is mine". I smoked and never looked back until a year ago. Funny how in this last relapse a week ago it's that same old story: trouble with our daughter. More Excuses. I just don't know what to do. How does one get past the excuses? I'm tired, I'm sick and tired of this game I'm seeming to play. I don't understand it and I don't know how to get all the good back.You elders have all the answers. Are you there now to help me?

JustSharon

Sorrow

Posted by JustSharon May 21, 2017

With deep regret, I must say I lost another quit. The say last week I watched my daughter be led out of a court room in hand cuffs, I near fell apart. I know we prayed for this once and that once she got no jail time. This other court she was expected to do 120 days, she only got 5. A blessing and an answer to prayer and she will be home when my grandson arrives. Watching her be handcuffed should not have been so bad and many of you may say I was just looking for a choice to smoke. Maybe I was, maybe I was. All I know is what I witnessed hurt so much, she is my baby.

Now here I sit with a broken quit and know I have disappointed you and myself. Problem is, I like smoking right now and I'm not sure when I will get back on track. I just wanted to be honest. Thanks for listening.

JustSharon

Mother's Day

Posted by JustSharon May 14, 2017

Happy Mothers Day all of you beautiful mothers here in Ex-Land! I pray for you a wonderful day with your Children, near or far. A Mother is truly blessed!

JustSharon

A Good Laugh

Posted by JustSharon May 12, 2017

Good Afternoon all. Finding it difficult to find the time to blog the last couple of days. I have a few minutes now and then we are off and running again. I'm having a wonderful smoke free day and hope that you are too! If you are struggling, I urge you to take some time to laugh, yes laugh! A good all the way from the belly laugh clears the lungs and makes you feel great. A good laugh breaks a tough crave. It will make you feel good and those around you feel like laughing too. Well, gotta go!

JustSharon

Another busy day!

Posted by JustSharon May 10, 2017

Our day starts out with a business meeting on Medicare and our insurance. Shortly after that our daughter has an appointment to keep and we will take her to that. Then later this afternoon its a long drive for another appointment for our daughter. That one we sit and wait for an hour and a half till her class is done. She can no longer drive and has court appointed stuff every where and nearly everyday. It's all a very long story and I shouldn't get into it, to protect her privacy, but I can ask for more prayers please as she goes to court again next Monday. If she has to do some jail time, I pray that is over and done with by the time my grandson (her son) comes home June 16, so would you be so kind as too keep her in your prayers. Any who, I like busy , don't have time to think of smoking. There are a few triggers along our route today, but they aren't near as difficult as they were a few weeks back! My prayer is that each and everyone of you find a peaceful, smoke free day!

JustSharon

My Serenity

Posted by JustSharon May 9, 2017

JustSharon

Busy Busy

Posted by JustSharon May 8, 2017

Just come to play on the playground for a few minutes, kick up my feet and swing. It's been busy with appointments all morning and with distance to drive has nearly taken up the day. My poor old legs hurt! I took some photos of my waterfall/pond, but they don't want to upload on my new computer. I guess I'll have to hunt down the CD to install some drivers. Tomorrow, that can wait till tomorrow. Jake just finished mowing the back lawn, I'm going to grab a tall water and head to my back porch. I love the smell of fresh mown grass! Anyways, it's another smoke free day and staying that way keeps me busy at times, like laundry and necessary things like that! Hope your smoke free day is going well!

JustSharon

Smoking?

Posted by JustSharon May 7, 2017

Not Here!! NOPE! Good Morning , how is everyone? We've got sunshine here this morning and I can't emphasize enough how sunshine affects my moods. The new mood stabilizer I'm on is doing "only OK", and it does nothing for me like a day of sunshine. With my poor old knees I can't get up and do the things I want. but I can sure spend time on my back porch enjoying the scenery. Yesterday Jake rebuilt the waterfall and it looks real pleasant. I can sit and listen to the sound of the water all day, without a smoke in my hand! Feeling comfortable with that??? I'm getting there more so with each passing day. Acceptance is something I have to work at daily and I'm doing that. Hope you all have a wonderful smoke free day!

JustSharon

A Better Day

Posted by JustSharon May 6, 2017

What a wonderful morning to wake once again smoke free. I don't like at all when I have a bad day as I did yesterday! I feel calmer this morning, a serene feeling. It's mornings like this that give me the courage to keep my commitment, Yesterday I almost threw it all away. What a difference a day can make. Moment by moment I got through fighting nicodemon all the way. I think the fighting threw him a good curve cuz he's not allowed here, nor been here yet. I have no plans for the day, so I'm going to spend it in my bed staying off my painful knees. Hopefully there will be a good movie or two on TV. I wish for all of you this peaceful feeling. Have a wonderful smoke free day, I know I will.

JustSharon

Dangerously Close

Posted by JustSharon May 5, 2017

This morning I was dangerously close to giving up my quit. I just wanted to smoke and I found I didn't really care if I blew it or not. First blog I read was by Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011 all about addiction, nothing I hadn't learned. But it still had more of a strong hold on me than I cared to admit. I was feeling a loss as I sat with my coffee and tears came to my eyes for missing the association with a smoke. Change has never come easy for me and quitting smoking has been one of the most difficult changes I have made. Chuck wrote in his blog entitled "CHANGES"

"The reality that’s so hard to see at first is that we’re not losing a thing, but we’re gaining everything! Never believe that change isn’t worth it! Never think that change is impossible because then you become a barrier to yourself!"

And a barrier to myself is where I found myself this morning. I'm not losing a thing and I can accept that. I guess to sum it up, old nicodemon popped up out of the blue and smacked me a good one upside the head.

I'm ok now. I'm not smoking, thanks Chuck_Quit_2-20-2011. Today is day 30.

JustSharon

Making the Most of It

Posted by JustSharon May 3, 2017

Good Morning friends. What a mantra this makes! I don't have much to say this morning but this graphic says just how my day will go. Wishing you all a beautiful smoke free day!