Things are changing so quickly for me now that writing a blog feels almost silly, it is obsolete in describing how I feel so soon! I knew a cardiac rehab doc that had "Don't should on yourself" hanging in his office. He, as a cardiac specialist, knew how destructive it is to hang on to guilt over things in the past that you can do NOTHING about today. I try to remember that. Last night my daughter and her fiance came back to New England from New Mexico. We had a wonderful time, I made chicken parm and pecan pie. We ate on the porch, drank wine and beer, laughed and talked and talked and talked. My husband, daughter and her fiance all smoke. Being around smokers never bothered me, does not cause triggers, so after reassuring them of that fact, they smoked. I didn't mind at all. This morning I have a sore mild throat. I'm not ill, it is the exact sore throat I used to have when I smoked a ton in a short period of time. It was from the second hand smoke. Ah, the same second hand smoke that in the throes my addiction I minimized the signicance to the point of totally denying it.. I feel like crying now thinking of my babies that I smoked around, my friends, my family. I worked in substance abuse rehab on the psych ward for yrs. I told family members of my patients that the person they love is still there, that what they are seeing is addiction which causing people to do things they would never choose to do without the addiction. Of course, i was talking about mind altering substances. Well, I am realizing how true it is with a substance that only mildly affects mentation. It shakes the whole tree, doesn't it? You begin to look at your whole self, the way you process things, the way you cope, the ways you need, more importantly WANT to change.
This nonsmoking....it is SO worth it. For the newest here, I know you won't believe it now, but you are in for something wonderful. Hang in there. Right now, I have to spend some time on not "shoulding" on myself but for you parents of young kids...you won't have to feel the guilt that is slowly creeping in my conscience, you're doing something about that now. Be proud of that and keep up this worthy fight.
