The Proverbial Loaded Gun Category: Life A few weeks ago, sitting at a friend's house, I was trying very hard not to smoke. Although she is an avid tobacco smoker, I have been trying NOT to be neo-nazi about this non-smoking thing. I have failed. She didn't have to be the one to hand me a cigarette, as I had been sneaking a few here and there for months - not telling anyone in fear of there beratement and chastising would send me into a downward spiral. Unfortunately, she instead, handed me the only lighter she had to light this free cancer stick with, a revolver gun lighter. I refused to do it. She made a quirky comment that she would later find a fifteen page blog on myspace about the irony invovled with the situation. Irony is an understatement, as aproximately one week later I was at the store buying a pack of cigarettes, and that began the downward spiral. Just like any addiction, the ones that will yell, scream, chastise, and try to strong arm me into quitting - they don't know about the recent fall off the wagon. Because I know they will cease to help, they will stop all sympathy for my plight - not ever realizing it was my plight that got me here in the first place with a lit cigarette and a freakin' 1.90 pack of generics at that! As I stood at the counter of the gas station, I knew I was right back where I had been so many times before, but other times I just went on knowing that it would eventually end. I had hope that this too shall pass. But, for nicotine addiction - I tend to disagree. You don't always look in your rearview mirror - during rush hour traffic - and see someone smoking a joint or doing a line of cocaine or whatever other drugs are there. BUT, you will see them with a cigarette. A cigarette you KNOW you want - you FEEL you NEED. The most ironic thing is, I think some people know I am smoking again - like the worst nazi-non-smoker of them all, my MOTHER! Because comments have been made like, "I am proud of you for quitting." and "How's that quitting coming along ?" The comments far too late, and after the belittling me through entire conversations over other things like problems with my car, finances, weight, ect. Piling more and more stress, until I have one of three options, a. smoke - the most logical to me, since I missed them so much. b. spontaneously combust c. dope myself up on legal drugs like psychiatric medications. Although b. would have been a much more pleasant option giving the idea that I wouldn't have to face the people who are going to yell and scream, and say things like, "When you die, I'm going to tell your daughter how much you DIDN'T love her because you DIDN'T quit smoking." or "Isn't SHE enough reason to quit?" People if I say this a million times it won't be enough, other people, outside influences cannot make someone quit. I don't even think faith in God can make someone stop. Maybe after they stop they can see that God was there helping them through, but not in the middle of addiction, of withdrawls. So people who read this that are NOT related to me - take it easy on your loved ones trying to quit, hold them responsible, but take it easy. I think it would have made a big difference if, when about a month and a half ago, I smoked two cigarettes, and I "confessed" so to speak, to my mother as she would be the first to smell me. I could have lied and said I was in a smoking resturant as I was outside of Louisville, and it was smoking. But she wouldn't have believed that either. As it was, she blew up and acted like I tore up the town, party 'til dawn three days later. If she would have acted a bit more motherly - which for my mother I know can be difficult. But had she done so, had she said, "you can try again tomorrow." or "I'll remind you to call Dr. Saad in the morning to get a refill on your smoking cessation medicine." There could've been a bit more hope. So, now that I am on my third pack of smokes (I missed you dearly Camel Joe), chalk it up to experience, and next time know to pat me on the back a bit sooner than later...and a little less verbal abuse please, as the stress level is quite high enough. And those of you who are reading this with loved ones in the bowels of addiction...nicotine or otherwise, give yourself a break - and them too, get yourself some help, and figure out how to help them BEFORE handing out harmful words of "praise".
