So my wife up and left me with three sweet pets. Today Charcoal one of my two rabbits had to go to the vet- he had not been eating and I looked at his teeth and his front teeth were very angled and over grown
I took him to Dr Colby- one of the best small and exotic vets in the country - I was expecting $150 to trim his teeth- turned into over $600- I am a working musician and thank God for making money playing music- I had two very good paying gigs last few week - made over $1200- all gone- between my root canal and Charcoals bill- I was ready to smoke again but know that will just start my addiction up again and solve nothing- but the urge was still there. I know some wouldn't spend that kind of money on a pet rabbit- but I found him in the woods 7-8 years ago- he is a small Netherland Dwarf- with a heart shaped nose- super sweet pet.
Charcoal is very sick but hopefully will come back to health
I have little left in the bank and just doing my best to keep moving forward- drug alcohol and nicotine free
Yeah so I have not posted here in awhile and I need to be here more often- I still get hit by feelings of wanting to start up again. Been lots of frustration and anger to deal with- still dealing with divorce stuff- taxes- attorneys. yada yada yada
I have to keep in touch here so I can stay with this quit- sometimes I just feel like smoking again- but I know that eventually isn't going to end well, plus I am free - 94 days- man it adds up pretty quick- maybe not in the beginning- but even then it goes faster once a person gets 3days to a week under their belt
So sorry everyone- haven't posted in awhile but Im smoke free!! 73 days now.
I did actually start a savings account with cigarette money- I haven't caught up with the amount yet because I started weeks in- but work is going well so get a little more caught up as time goes on.
Its weird I can just turn a certain way sometimes and get hit by a "its time for a cigarette" tug- man it still takes some Zen- breathing to quickly snap out of it. Most of the time though I keep mentally reminding myself how great it is not to be enslaved anymore!
I do exercise still not as much as I would like - I gym I had been going to closed to remodel for a month- Planet Fitness- and I just couldn't get to other place farther away. But I did go swimming walking etc.
All my best to everyone that has quit- and if you haven't yet- get prepared and just do it!!!
I haven't written or visited site for awhile- which is a mistake but still smoke free.
So about this time last year- I found out my wife was cheating on me- she had relapsed on pills 15 times after near death overdose in 2015. I seperated to guest bedroom- my music studio. She got on Facebook and hooked up with a high school guy she barely knew- he is an attorney. I first got notice of divorce - On a Sunday no less- by email. About three weeks later he sent me an email professing his love for my wife- and that I should let her go to him- in that email,he talked about what Christianity is about-this went on for months as I had to take care of liquidating our townhome and taking care of our 4 pets and having to find foster care for our two rabbit- which I finally got back and are with me now- while she is getting drunk and high at this attorneys place- He even sent me a picture of the two of them together to my email.
I sent all this to the Ga Bar Association- they have been reviewing evidence over the last 7-8 month- he submitted sworn testimony that clearly shows he is a liar ( another way of pronouncing lawyer actually) - evidence that clearly shows he, a true scumbag, was having a relationship with her while representing her. This guy was already suspended for 6 months back in 2012.
So I finally get a letter from the Ga Bar on Friday- they have dismissed the whole thing- good ole boys that they are.
I have been so angry and depressed over this complete miscarriage of justice- they allowed this scumbag to get away with all this outrageous unethical behavior- it has been devastating
Anyway- I don't know that I even believe in God anymore- I am still smoke free somehow. Knowing this guy has gotten away with taking in my troubled wife in- giving her a shoulder to cry on being the manipulator he is- let her get drunk and high- and she was telling me what a sick alcoholic he is the whole time- and condemn me after years of putting up with her drug and now alcohol abuse- is just about more than I can take.
Overall i feel kind of blah lately- can get frustrated easily- small stuff gets me pretty short tempered. I have started on coffee again in the morning and I know caffeine can really effect my nerves at times- I do try to add in some herbal tea later in the day.
I know people talk about No mans land? I remember that being talked about on my last quit. Don't know If I would be better off not knowing about that - or knowing ??
Just keep trying to push to excercise- my regular gym had to close to remodel for a month-so i am trying to get some pools laps in- get to another referral gym which is farther away
I just a feel kind of blah a bit lately- going to divorce care class every Wed- suggested that I stay away from romantic involvement for awhile- went thru horrific time this past year with Ex wife- who has pill and alcohol problems and ended up cheating
Haven't been blogging here much lately so I doing that now
I have had this on my mind for quite awhile. My quit this time seems different than my last - my last quit lasted about 3 years.
Last time I quit- I remember how I still struggled with nagging cravings that seemed to eat and gnaw at me- especially at night after i would finish playing music- which is what i do for a living. After playing a "gig" as we refer to local performances'- I would get this awful gnawing about needing the reward of a cigarette- or i would substitute junk food instead. Seemed like i craved something really unhealthy as a reward for some bizarre and deadly reason?
I finally gave up my quit after a summer from hell- where i had a back injury flair up- also we had downsized to a cheaper apartment to save money to buy a home- this place turned out to be a nightmare because of upstairs people constantly making noise- and My special needs stepson going out of control on a regular basis- I just caved and started smoking- again.
When I started back up - this time- i was really huffing them down differently than before- I would finish a cigarette so fast-couldnt get them down quick enough- and wanted one shortly there after. Constantly craving- never could get enough- it had progressed.
I feel like I am an addictive type person- I don't believe substances are addictive- I believe people are- because not everyone gets addicted to the same things- right? Some get addicted to alcohol- some food- some sex-some..... on and on- So people are addictive really- And i believe i fall into that class
Recently I have heard and studied energy healing- and in fact became an energy practitioner- emotions are energy and it takes a lot to hold down emotions that want to come out- I have used many things to hold down these energies that really want to get out.
So this quit- i decided to just let whatever comes up during my quit- to just come out- sometimes i could describe the feelings and where they were in my physical body- lots of time it felt like in the heart- like a heart craving??- sometimes i couldnt- Doesn't matter- I just have done my best to not push down whatever comes up but rather just let it be and come up.
So i believe a crave is packed with different energies- in the first few days- the craves involve the body- I was aching for nicotine- almost and sometimes was painful- was this physical pain or emotional- first few days I believe it is probably both. As time has goes on- and i believe most of the nicotine is gone so craving are mostly mental- just my opinion.
So as i move forward- I get various experiences and sensations- when a crave hits- I make a mental note to address my craving as emotional junk most likely- maybe I get specific remembrances that may lead me to believe a certain emotion is coming related to say' My Mom passing' - sometimes it is just a ball of junk that gets me feeling icky and can't describe it- either way- I don't resist.
I hope this may be of some help to those struggling in the early days Pain is in the resistance I believe
Also a crave may be more than just an addictive urge to a drug- it may contain emotional junk or it may bring up specific remembrances?
I would like to invite anyone that would like to participate to describe what there cravings contain? No right or wrong answers for sure
Ok - so i guess I have made it to NML- day 32. Not sure i remember that from previous quit-
I have had some urges today for sure- usually after working- I did a side pressure washing job for some side money today- hard work- it got hot later in the day- and afterward we are done- here comes urge. I have gotten accustom to dealing with urges so I usually just deep breathe right thru it- I don't freak out - although sometimes it can hit me so fast that it almost takes may breath away!
One thing i remembered from my last quit- I got this crazy feeling like i couldn't feel any difference as a non smoker from being a smoker- The benefits don't seem as obvious for awhile- and I guess it is the addiction saying "hey you feel the same- so go ahead and smoke again- there is no reason not to- I feel the same as i did as a smoker! This is crazy I know- but that is what my mind will tell me at times!
Anywho- I am moving along into NML I guess- So i appreciate any suggestions from the community!
Yaaahoo! Feeling good to be cig- nicotine free. Woke up today and somehow tasted the morning smoke mouth taste- weird-it has to be a mirage! Anyway-feeling good about this quit- rather than fighting urges i have chosen to view each urge as not just urge to smoke but also the crave contains buried emotions trying to get out- so i just let them be and don't resist- it seems to help
Have had a busy weekend playing music- and still at it today- Praise God for providing musical work for me!
Hello to all On Day 24- time is definitely going by pretty fast after that first hell week! Been going thru changes but haven't given in. Mostly its like a dull nagging these days- haven't had a full day without some kind of urge or nagging feeling of want a cigarette- I could do a better job posting and staying plugged in here.
I am not yet fully aware of how free I really am from quitting! So I don't want to forget that - the realization does hit me from time to time- occasionally I can breathe free and really feel the difference since stopping- I still do a good bit of deep breathing from time to time- i do seem to be less anxious since quitting.
So I had a good night playing music- which is what I do for a living- I have just turned 60 in June and still doing music- Live music for a living- unbelievable. most people don't know I'm 60 by my looks-
This last week has been tough- just saw a pic of my ex wife marrying the scumbag alcoholic attorney - must have just happened. She is caught up in her addiction as is he most likely- I have a grievance case with the Ga bar against him- it has now gone to disciplinary board- He acted as her attorney- sent me a divorce notice - on a Sunday- then sent me an email about 3 weeks later claiming to be in love with my wife- and more outrageous things i won't go into- most likely- he is in deep deep crap with the Bar
Anyway- between my ex wife drama all this last year- and a new woman I met that turns out to have her own problems as well- I sure can pick em!
I feel much better tonight- played outside patio gig- had good response- feeling upbeat and positive for a change.
I am really digging the non smoker life style- I feel free again!! i quit for 3 years about 4-5 years ago Its all coming back to me again- being a non smoker- The only way to live!!
So I have had a very busy week- Just now getting back on to post. I am on day 12- still going-yet I have had a rough week. I took on some side work which is really hard work as it turns out- work two nights this week till 4am and a third night till 2. At the end of these long night- the urge to smoke again hits hard- and at a time I am really tired so defenses are low.
Also got back involved with a relationship I had started back while i was in process of divorce.
We went down the Chattahoochee river together this week- had a great time- been talking and getting to know each other again- and then she says she wasn't comfortable with what we have been doing all week- light physical affection
like kissing etc and just broke everything off. I believe she is pretty damaged person and is easily scared off. It has made for personal drama for me and the urge to smoke again over feelings and anxiety is strong- this really sucks because I really have my heart involved with this woman.
I am sticking to my commitment- this emotional relationship stuff is very very difficult to stay smoke free through- just putting that out there
So well into week 2 - I am working an all night job tonight as i did last night- making some side money doing flooring work. I got home 5 am this morning- I know when i am that tired- I get hit with urges to smoke - so i have to remember to be vigilant - breathe- stick to my commitment- and check in here everyday pretty much
Gotta run- doing another late flooring gig tonight
Best Wishes to all- and thx to everyone that has been replying to my other blog posts- please forgive me if I don't have time to respond to each- I am looking at them though- Thx to all!!