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George-Martin Blog

34 posts

so every bit of the musical work that had been really going well again- has died.  man I hate to be so negative-this just sucks.  My gym just closed-cant go workout- its just goes on and on

 

 

I am trying to stay productive working on some music- hanging with pets.

 

I really feel like smoking again- seems like that would cure some boredom- all the junk in my head is coming back after 8 months off the cigarettes - this is not a fun time for me- just have to make the best of it somehow.

I have procrastinated about getting back on for a long time- sorry folks for not staying in touch

 

the good news is I do now have over 8 months smoke free

 

This corona virus has about wiped out all of my work and it is very scary - how to pay bills- rent etc.

 

 

I have been sober over 13 years now and bow smoke free and this is the first time in awhile I feel like drinking again- it is a bad situation here in Atlanta- I don't know what others than are in the bar and restaurant business are going to do about money- I play music - restaurants private events bars etc- everything has come to a halt

sorry to all- Ive been out of the site for awhile- been so much going on- I need to stay active

 

I am still smoke free!  Thank God!!

 

So my sweet pet rabbit Charcoal died unexpectedly- after spending over $600 at vets- they sent me home with Charcoal and he died that night- I watched him slowly die- it was horrible!!!!  The pic I uploaded is too big- not sure how to make it fit??  It is just a standard pic taken from my iPhone - this stuff really frustrates the hell out of me!!

 

Also got a cold during the busiest week Ive had playing music- I sing as part of what I do- man this was a challenging week- thank you God for getting me thru-Paid!  I would wake in the morning feeling I had a fever- knowing I had to play for 3 hours that night -scary.

 

I have had a lot of stress lately and been feeling like I ant to numb my feelings with a cigarette- I have not - I believe I am about 120 days smoke free.  Sometimes I can't tell any difference- so I have to do things that let me know I have made a great decision to have quit and stay quit- like going to work out- I know my singing voice is better.

 

My head plays tricks on me- it tells me I don't feel any different now that I have stopped and that smoking a cigarette would quill my nerves and sooth my soul-its all a big filthy lie!!

 

Hope everyone is doing well- sorry for the absence!!

George-Martin

My  Charcoal just died

Posted by George-Martin Oct 12, 2019

My little bunny Charcoal just died- I had taken him home- Dr Colby is one of the best Vets for rabbits in the country- spent $600- I am devastated 

 

He was such a sweet little animal- .  This is a very sad day- I feel like smoking but I am not

 

Life sucks sometimes

So my wife up and left me with three sweet pets.  Today Charcoal one of my two rabbits had to go to the vet- he had not been eating and I looked at his teeth and his front teeth were very angled and over grown

 

I took him to Dr Colby- one of the best small and exotic vets in the country - I was expecting $150 to trim his teeth- turned into over  $600- I am a working musician and thank God for making money playing music- I had two very good paying gigs last few week - made over $1200- all gone- between my root canal and Charcoals bill- I was ready to smoke again but know that will just start my addiction up again and solve nothing- but the urge was still there.  I know some wouldn't spend that kind of money on a pet rabbit- but I found him in the woods 7-8 years ago- he is a small Netherland Dwarf- with a heart shaped nose- super sweet pet.

 

Charcoal is very sick but hopefully will come back to health

 

I have little left in the bank and just doing my best to keep moving forward- drug alcohol and nicotine free

 

God Help me

Yeah so I have not posted here in awhile and I need to be here more often- I still get hit by feelings of wanting to start up again.  Been lots of frustration and anger to deal with- still dealing with divorce stuff- taxes- attorneys. yada yada yada

 

I have to keep in touch here so I can stay with this quit- sometimes I just feel like smoking again- but I know that eventually isn't going to end well,   plus I am free - 94 days- man it adds up pretty quick- maybe not in the beginning- but even then it goes faster once a person gets 3days to a week under their belt

 

 

Good to be back on!!

George-Martin

73 Days Free

Posted by George-Martin Sep 19, 2019

So sorry everyone- haven't posted in awhile but Im smoke free!!  73 days now.

 

I did actually start a savings account with cigarette money- I haven't caught up with the amount yet because I started weeks in- but work is going well so get a little more caught up as time goes on.

 

Its weird I can just turn a certain way  sometimes and get hit by a "its time for a cigarette" tug- man it still takes some Zen- breathing to quickly snap out of it. Most of the time though I keep mentally reminding myself how great it is not to be enslaved anymore!  

 

I do exercise still not as much as I would like - I gym I had been going to closed to remodel for a month- Planet Fitness- and I just couldn't get to other place farther away.  But I did go swimming walking etc.

 

All my best to everyone that has quit- and if you haven't yet- get prepared and just do it!!!

I haven't written or visited site for awhile- which is a mistake but still smoke free.

 

So about this time last year- I found out my wife was cheating on me- she had relapsed on pills 15 times after near death overdose in 2015.  I seperated to guest bedroom- my music studio.  She got on Facebook and hooked up with a high school guy she barely knew- he is an attorney.  I first got notice of divorce - On a Sunday no less- by email.  About three weeks later he sent me an email professing his love for my wife- and that I should let her go to him- in that email,he talked about what Christianity is about-this went on for months as I had to take care of liquidating our townhome and taking care of our 4 pets and having to find foster care for our two rabbit- which I finally got back and are with me now- while she is getting drunk and high at this attorneys place-  He even sent me a picture of the two of them together to my email.

 

I sent all this to the Ga Bar Association- they have been reviewing evidence over the last 7-8 month- he submitted sworn testimony that clearly shows he is a liar ( another way of pronouncing  lawyer actually) - evidence that clearly shows he, a true scumbag, was having a relationship with her while representing her.  This guy was already suspended for 6 months back in 2012.

 

So I finally get a letter from the Ga Bar on Friday- they have dismissed the whole thing- good ole boys that they are.

 

I have been so angry and depressed over this complete miscarriage of justice- they allowed this scumbag to get away with all this outrageous unethical behavior-  it has been devastating

 

Anyway- I don't know that I even believe in God anymore-  I am still smoke free somehow.  Knowing this guy has gotten away with taking in my troubled wife in- giving her a shoulder to cry on being the manipulator he is- let her get drunk and high- and she was telling me what a sick alcoholic he is the whole time- and condemn me after years of putting up with her drug and now alcohol abuse- is just about more than I can take.

George-Martin

44 days

Posted by George-Martin Aug 22, 2019

Hello All

 

Haven't posted in awhile so I am doing so now to check in.

 

I am at 44 days today- I still do go thru times of urges to smoke again- I keep doing things to remind myself of the benefits- i workout- drink herbal tea to breathe easier etc

 

 I would love to hear what others do to keep "feeling" the benefits- not just thinking about what the benefits are- although that is good too!

 

Cheers to everyone and wishing each and everyone a successful quit!

Overall i feel kind of blah lately- can get frustrated easily- small stuff gets me pretty short tempered.  I have started on coffee again in the morning and I know caffeine can really effect my nerves at times- I do try to add in some herbal tea later in the day.

 

I know people talk about No mans land?  I remember that being talked about on my last quit.  Don't know If I would be better off not knowing about that - or knowing ??

 

Just keep trying to push to excercise- my regular gym had to close to remodel for a month-so i am trying to get some pools laps in- get to another referral gym which is farther away

 

I just a feel kind of blah a bit lately- going to divorce care class every Wed- suggested that I stay away from romantic involvement for awhile- went thru horrific time this past year with Ex wife- who has pill and alcohol problems and ended up cheating  

 

Haven't been blogging here much lately so I doing that now

George-Martin

Anatomy of a craving

Posted by George-Martin Aug 8, 2019

I have had this on my mind for quite awhile.  My quit this time seems different than my last - my last quit lasted about 3 years.

Last time I quit-  I remember how I still struggled with nagging cravings that seemed to eat and gnaw at me- especially at night after i would finish playing music- which is what i do for a living.  After playing a "gig" as we refer to local performances'- I would get this awful gnawing about needing the reward of a cigarette- or i would substitute junk food instead.  Seemed like i craved something really unhealthy as a reward  for some bizarre and deadly reason?

 

I finally gave up my quit after a summer from hell- where i had a back injury flair up- also we had downsized to a cheaper apartment to save money to buy a home- this place turned out to be a nightmare because of upstairs people constantly making noise- and My special needs stepson going out of control on a regular basis- I just caved and started smoking- again.

 

When I started back up - this time- i was really huffing them down differently than before- I would finish a cigarette so fast-couldnt get them down quick enough- and wanted one shortly there after. Constantly craving- never could get enough- it had progressed.

 

I feel like I am an addictive type person- I don't believe substances are addictive- I believe people are- because not everyone gets addicted to the same things- right?  Some get addicted to alcohol- some food- some sex-some..... on and on-  So people are addictive really- And i believe i fall into that class

 

Recently I have heard and studied energy healing- and in fact became an energy practitioner-  emotions are energy and it takes a lot to hold down emotions that want to come out- I have used many things to hold down these energies that really want to get out.

 

So this quit- i decided to just let whatever comes up during my quit- to just come out- sometimes i could describe the feelings and where they were in my physical body- lots of time it felt like in the heart- like a heart craving??- sometimes i couldnt- Doesn't matter-  I just have done my best to not push down whatever comes up but rather just let it be and come up.

 

 

So i believe a crave is packed with different energies- in the first few days- the craves involve the body- I was aching for nicotine- almost and sometimes was painful-  was this physical pain or emotional- first few days I believe it is probably both.  As time has goes on- and i believe  most of the nicotine is gone so craving are mostly mental- just my opinion. 

 

So as i move forward- I get various experiences and sensations-  when a crave hits- I make a mental note to address my craving as emotional junk most likely- maybe I get specific remembrances that may lead me to believe a certain emotion is coming related to say' My Mom passing'  - sometimes it is just a ball of junk that gets me feeling icky and can't describe it- either way- I don't resist.

 

 

 

I hope this may be of some help to those struggling in the early days   Pain is in the resistance I believe

 

Also a crave may be more than just an addictive urge to a drug- it may contain emotional junk or it may bring up specific remembrances?

 

I would like to invite anyone that would like to participate to describe what there cravings contain? No right or wrong answers for sure

George-Martin

Day 32!

Posted by George-Martin Aug 8, 2019

Ok  - so i guess I have made it to NML- day 32.  Not sure i remember that from previous quit- 

 

I have had some urges today for sure- usually after working-  I did a side pressure washing job for some side money today- hard work- it got hot later in the day- and afterward we are done- here comes urge.  I have gotten accustom to dealing with urges so I usually just deep breathe right thru it- I don't freak out - although sometimes it can hit me so fast that it almost takes may breath away!

 

 

One thing i remembered from my last quit-  I got this crazy feeling like i couldn't feel any difference as a non smoker from being a smoker-  The benefits don't seem as obvious for awhile- and I guess it is the addiction saying  "hey you feel the same- so go ahead and smoke again- there is no reason not to- I feel the same as i did as a smoker!  This is crazy I know- but that is what my mind will tell me at times!

 

 

Anywho- I am moving along into NML I guess- So i appreciate any suggestions from the community!

 

 

Best Wishes to all- 

George-Martin

Now on week 5!!

Posted by George-Martin Aug 5, 2019

Yaaahoo!  Feeling good to be cig- nicotine free.  Woke up today and somehow tasted the morning smoke mouth taste- weird-it has to be a mirage!  Anyway-feeling good about this quit- rather than fighting urges i have chosen to view each urge as not just urge to smoke but also the crave contains buried emotions trying to get out- so i just let them be and don't resist- it seems to help

 

Have had a busy weekend playing music- and still at it today- Praise God for providing musical work for me!

 

Thx community!!

George-Martin

Day 24

Posted by George-Martin Aug 1, 2019

Hello to all  On Day 24- time is definitely going by pretty fast after that first hell week! Been going thru changes but haven't given in.  Mostly its like a dull nagging these days- haven't had a full day without some kind of urge or nagging feeling of want a cigarette- I could do a better job posting and staying plugged in here.

 

I am not yet fully aware of how free I really am from quitting!  So I don't want to forget that - the realization does hit me from time to time- occasionally I can breathe free and really feel the difference since stopping- I still do a good bit of deep breathing from time to time- i do seem to be less anxious since quitting.

George-Martin

Closing out day 18!!

Posted by George-Martin Jul 26, 2019

So I had a good night playing music- which is what I do for a living-  I have just turned 60 in June and still doing music- Live music for a living- unbelievable.  most people don't know I'm 60 by my looks- 

 

This last week has been tough- just saw a pic of my ex wife marrying the scumbag alcoholic attorney - must have just happened.  She is caught up in her addiction as is he most likely- I have a grievance case with the Ga bar against him- it has now gone to disciplinary board-  He acted as her attorney- sent me a divorce notice - on a Sunday- then sent me an email about 3 weeks later claiming to be in love with my wife- and more outrageous things i won't go into- most likely- he is in deep deep crap with the Bar

 

 

Anyway- between my ex wife drama all this last year- and a new woman I met that turns out to have her own problems as well- I sure can pick em!

 

 

I feel much better tonight- played outside patio gig- had good response- feeling upbeat and positive for a change.

 

I am really digging the non smoker life style-  I feel free again!!  i quit for 3 years about 4-5 years ago  Its all coming back to me again- being a non smoker- The only way to live!!

 

Thx to all