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George-Martin Blog

27 posts

I haven't written or visited site for awhile- which is a mistake but still smoke free.


So about this time last year- I found out my wife was cheating on me- she had relapsed on pills 15 times after near death overdose in 2015.  I seperated to guest bedroom- my music studio.  She got on Facebook and hooked up with a high school guy she barely knew- he is an attorney.  I first got notice of divorce - On a Sunday no less- by email.  About three weeks later he sent me an email professing his love for my wife- and that I should let her go to him- in that email,he talked about what Christianity is about-this went on for months as I had to take care of liquidating our townhome and taking care of our 4 pets and having to find foster care for our two rabbit- which I finally got back and are with me now- while she is getting drunk and high at this attorneys place-  He even sent me a picture of the two of them together to my email.


I sent all this to the Ga Bar Association- they have been reviewing evidence over the last 7-8 month- he submitted sworn testimony that clearly shows he is a liar ( another way of pronouncing  lawyer actually) - evidence that clearly shows he, a true scumbag, was having a relationship with her while representing her.  This guy was already suspended for 6 months back in 2012.


So I finally get a letter from the Ga Bar on Friday- they have dismissed the whole thing- good ole boys that they are.


I have been so angry and depressed over this complete miscarriage of justice- they allowed this scumbag to get away with all this outrageous unethical behavior-  it has been devastating


Anyway- I don't know that I even believe in God anymore-  I am still smoke free somehow.  Knowing this guy has gotten away with taking in my troubled wife in- giving her a shoulder to cry on being the manipulator he is- let her get drunk and high- and she was telling me what a sick alcoholic he is the whole time- and condemn me after years of putting up with her drug and now alcohol abuse- is just about more than I can take.


44 days

Posted by George-Martin Aug 22, 2019

Hello All


Haven't posted in awhile so I am doing so now to check in.


I am at 44 days today- I still do go thru times of urges to smoke again- I keep doing things to remind myself of the benefits- i workout- drink herbal tea to breathe easier etc


 I would love to hear what others do to keep "feeling" the benefits- not just thinking about what the benefits are- although that is good too!


Cheers to everyone and wishing each and everyone a successful quit!

Overall i feel kind of blah lately- can get frustrated easily- small stuff gets me pretty short tempered.  I have started on coffee again in the morning and I know caffeine can really effect my nerves at times- I do try to add in some herbal tea later in the day.


I know people talk about No mans land?  I remember that being talked about on my last quit.  Don't know If I would be better off not knowing about that - or knowing ??


Just keep trying to push to excercise- my regular gym had to close to remodel for a month-so i am trying to get some pools laps in- get to another referral gym which is farther away


I just a feel kind of blah a bit lately- going to divorce care class every Wed- suggested that I stay away from romantic involvement for awhile- went thru horrific time this past year with Ex wife- who has pill and alcohol problems and ended up cheating  


Haven't been blogging here much lately so I doing that now


Anatomy of a craving

Posted by George-Martin Aug 8, 2019

I have had this on my mind for quite awhile.  My quit this time seems different than my last - my last quit lasted about 3 years.

Last time I quit-  I remember how I still struggled with nagging cravings that seemed to eat and gnaw at me- especially at night after i would finish playing music- which is what i do for a living.  After playing a "gig" as we refer to local performances'- I would get this awful gnawing about needing the reward of a cigarette- or i would substitute junk food instead.  Seemed like i craved something really unhealthy as a reward  for some bizarre and deadly reason?


I finally gave up my quit after a summer from hell- where i had a back injury flair up- also we had downsized to a cheaper apartment to save money to buy a home- this place turned out to be a nightmare because of upstairs people constantly making noise- and My special needs stepson going out of control on a regular basis- I just caved and started smoking- again.


When I started back up - this time- i was really huffing them down differently than before- I would finish a cigarette so fast-couldnt get them down quick enough- and wanted one shortly there after. Constantly craving- never could get enough- it had progressed.


I feel like I am an addictive type person- I don't believe substances are addictive- I believe people are- because not everyone gets addicted to the same things- right?  Some get addicted to alcohol- some food- some sex-some..... on and on-  So people are addictive really- And i believe i fall into that class


Recently I have heard and studied energy healing- and in fact became an energy practitioner-  emotions are energy and it takes a lot to hold down emotions that want to come out- I have used many things to hold down these energies that really want to get out.


So this quit- i decided to just let whatever comes up during my quit- to just come out- sometimes i could describe the feelings and where they were in my physical body- lots of time it felt like in the heart- like a heart craving??- sometimes i couldnt- Doesn't matter-  I just have done my best to not push down whatever comes up but rather just let it be and come up.



So i believe a crave is packed with different energies- in the first few days- the craves involve the body- I was aching for nicotine- almost and sometimes was painful-  was this physical pain or emotional- first few days I believe it is probably both.  As time has goes on- and i believe  most of the nicotine is gone so craving are mostly mental- just my opinion. 


So as i move forward- I get various experiences and sensations-  when a crave hits- I make a mental note to address my craving as emotional junk most likely- maybe I get specific remembrances that may lead me to believe a certain emotion is coming related to say' My Mom passing'  - sometimes it is just a ball of junk that gets me feeling icky and can't describe it- either way- I don't resist.




I hope this may be of some help to those struggling in the early days   Pain is in the resistance I believe


Also a crave may be more than just an addictive urge to a drug- it may contain emotional junk or it may bring up specific remembrances?


I would like to invite anyone that would like to participate to describe what there cravings contain? No right or wrong answers for sure


Day 32!

Posted by George-Martin Aug 8, 2019

Ok  - so i guess I have made it to NML- day 32.  Not sure i remember that from previous quit- 


I have had some urges today for sure- usually after working-  I did a side pressure washing job for some side money today- hard work- it got hot later in the day- and afterward we are done- here comes urge.  I have gotten accustom to dealing with urges so I usually just deep breathe right thru it- I don't freak out - although sometimes it can hit me so fast that it almost takes may breath away!



One thing i remembered from my last quit-  I got this crazy feeling like i couldn't feel any difference as a non smoker from being a smoker-  The benefits don't seem as obvious for awhile- and I guess it is the addiction saying  "hey you feel the same- so go ahead and smoke again- there is no reason not to- I feel the same as i did as a smoker!  This is crazy I know- but that is what my mind will tell me at times!



Anywho- I am moving along into NML I guess- So i appreciate any suggestions from the community!



Best Wishes to all- 


Now on week 5!!

Posted by George-Martin Aug 5, 2019

Yaaahoo!  Feeling good to be cig- nicotine free.  Woke up today and somehow tasted the morning smoke mouth taste- weird-it has to be a mirage!  Anyway-feeling good about this quit- rather than fighting urges i have chosen to view each urge as not just urge to smoke but also the crave contains buried emotions trying to get out- so i just let them be and don't resist- it seems to help


Have had a busy weekend playing music- and still at it today- Praise God for providing musical work for me!


Thx community!!


Day 24

Posted by George-Martin Aug 1, 2019

Hello to all  On Day 24- time is definitely going by pretty fast after that first hell week! Been going thru changes but haven't given in.  Mostly its like a dull nagging these days- haven't had a full day without some kind of urge or nagging feeling of want a cigarette- I could do a better job posting and staying plugged in here.


I am not yet fully aware of how free I really am from quitting!  So I don't want to forget that - the realization does hit me from time to time- occasionally I can breathe free and really feel the difference since stopping- I still do a good bit of deep breathing from time to time- i do seem to be less anxious since quitting.


Closing out day 18!!

Posted by George-Martin Jul 26, 2019

So I had a good night playing music- which is what I do for a living-  I have just turned 60 in June and still doing music- Live music for a living- unbelievable.  most people don't know I'm 60 by my looks- 


This last week has been tough- just saw a pic of my ex wife marrying the scumbag alcoholic attorney - must have just happened.  She is caught up in her addiction as is he most likely- I have a grievance case with the Ga bar against him- it has now gone to disciplinary board-  He acted as her attorney- sent me a divorce notice - on a Sunday- then sent me an email about 3 weeks later claiming to be in love with my wife- and more outrageous things i won't go into- most likely- he is in deep deep crap with the Bar



Anyway- between my ex wife drama all this last year- and a new woman I met that turns out to have her own problems as well- I sure can pick em!



I feel much better tonight- played outside patio gig- had good response- feeling upbeat and positive for a change.


I am really digging the non smoker life style-  I feel free again!!  i quit for 3 years about 4-5 years ago  Its all coming back to me again- being a non smoker- The only way to live!!


Thx to all


Day 18

Posted by George-Martin Jul 26, 2019

Sorry I haven't been consistent on posting - I am still hanging in- Day 18 still in my quit.


I have some difficult times - some depression lately- lack of energy- so I want to get back into posting each day and reading and gathering positive energy here


Thx to all


Day 12

Posted by George-Martin Jul 20, 2019

So I have had a very busy week- Just now getting back on to post.  I am on day 12- still going-yet I have had a rough week.  I took on some side work which is really hard work as it turns out- work two nights this week till 4am and a third night till 2. At the end of these long night- the urge to smoke again hits hard- and at a time I am really tired so defenses are low.


Also got back involved with a relationship I had started back while i was in process of divorce.


We went down the Chattahoochee river together this week- had a great time- been talking and getting to know each other again- and then she says she wasn't comfortable with what we have been doing all week- light physical affection

like kissing etc and just broke everything off.  I believe she is pretty damaged person and is easily scared off.  It has made for personal drama for me and the urge to smoke again over feelings and anxiety is strong- this really sucks because I really have my heart involved with this woman.


I am sticking to my commitment- this emotional relationship stuff is very very difficult to stay smoke free through- just putting that out there


Thx for community support in advance


Finishing out day 10

Posted by George-Martin Jul 17, 2019

So well into week 2 - I am working an all night job tonight as i did last night- making some side money doing flooring work.  I got home 5 am this morning-  I know when i am that tired- I get hit with urges to smoke - so i have to remember to be vigilant - breathe- stick to my commitment- and check in here everyday pretty much



Gotta run- doing another late flooring gig tonight


Best Wishes to all- and thx to everyone that has been replying to my other blog posts- please forgive me if I don't have time to respond to each- I am looking at them though- Thx to all!!


Finishing up Day 8!

Posted by George-Martin Jul 16, 2019

Sorry. Didn’t post on my day 7.  I’m still standing.  Not one puff!!   Going down the CHattahoochee  river tomorrow with my 

heart throb -we are somewhat back together again- am now smoke free which is a big plus!!   Thx Community.  -Freedom!  Not completely out of the woods but I am feeling strong again about this quit!!


Rolling thru Day 6

Posted by George-Martin Jul 13, 2019

So thru most of what others have referred to as Hell Week- don't think I will argue with that- man it hasn't been so easy- and Glad I had decided to get back into this community this time for my quit-probably the extra support i needed to actually do this and stay committed.


The term "successful quit" is so funny to me- those two terms are usually mutually exclusive- people that quit things are usually not considered successful! - except in this scenario- surrender to win!!  I stop fighting the urges and let whatever emotional garbage that accompanies my craving and urges bring up- just come out- I am tired of stuffing down emotions- with nicotine.  So bring on whatever the craves bring- yeah there is pain-however i don't have to continue to suffer- suffering is in the resistance- I believe.


My acronym is NOPEOA- Not One Puff Ever Of Anything! not Vapes- not Black and Milds- or whatever


Wishing everyone a wonderful smoke free weekend- I plan on staying with my quit- still one day at a timing it!


Moving into Day 5

Posted by George-Martin Jul 12, 2019

So today is day 5 for me-I know expectations can work against me.  I am thinking hey Im thru the hardest part- and then the urge comes on!!  AArrgh!  I won't let it get me down.


Glad Im on the site to hear and get encouragement from others-  I know I smoked at a lot of emotions- smoking at discouragement just feeds on itself- defeated mentality-  Ive lived with that a lot - as well as trauma and drama and chaos in these last 4 years- marriage- constant drama- 


Today is a new week for me- smoke free- I want to feel great about this- sometimes it feels like I won't let myself 

feel good about myself- that I guess is also part of the recovery process


Today- I am getting strong urges again- so I just need to stay with my commitment- to not smoke no matter what-breathe thru and let whatever comes up emotionally- come up- don't fight it.  I used cigarettes to hold down painful emotions- I huffed em down- I could feel the desperation sometimes as i smoked those horrible foul smelling cancer sticks-trying not to feel what I don't want to feel


Thx Ex Community!


rounding out day 4

Posted by George-Martin Jul 12, 2019

I guess it hasn't really sunk in how big a deal it is 4 days smoke free-  i still get hit by cravings- but really at day 4 Im over the worst part- I believe- man it was rough and i know i still need to stay vigilant


I am still having cravings now on and off- but after I blew the quit I had some years ago-  I never could seem to get satisfaction from a cigarette- I wanted one as soon as I finished one!! I huffed cigarettes down!! I was always Jonesing for a cigarette!!


I can feel the freedom setting in- free from constant insatiable cravings!


It just hit me though- 4 days without a cigarette is a pretty major accomplishment to start-  The freedom it brings hasn't really hit me yet- So I won't get too over the top- but i feel pretty good about this quit thus far!


Thx for everyones support!!