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DimArtist Blog

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I am on Day 17 and my mind is still trying to make me see cigarette as a liberating thing that will definitely do not do any harm to me and will unstress me with just a puff. I know I don't want to relapse because the last time was pretty painful for me and the nicotine addiction comes to my dreams to tell me to have a cigarette and my problems will probably be solved. I am not a fool. I know what to do. But it really upsets me to see others enjoying their cigarette. I am trying to find some perfect role models who do not smoke and that they will motivate me to continue my quit journey. My father is the opposite of that role model. He's almost 60 years old and he smokes since he was 12 years old. He is a lost case. I have tried to tell him to quit or at least find an alternative healthier way than cigarettes. Oh and by the way I just found this article. Big Tobacco’s Next Big Thing? Tobacco - WSJ  This method is getting more and more popular and a lot of customers ask me about this one. I think it's one of the last desperate for the tobacco industry to stay relative. Lastly, I recommend you watching "Thank You for Smoking" movie.


Day 7: Mind games

Posted by DimArtist Aug 1, 2017

It's been a week since my last relapse. My mind tries to romantize the smoking. For example, tomorrow I will watch football on a cafe and most people will be smoking. What I am thinking is that a great thing for watching a match and having a beer is also having a cigarette because all the others in that cafe will be smoking and I will be missing something. My mind tells me that I have some money on my wallet and that I have to spend them and that death is inevitable whatever I do. It will happen one day. But my next thought is "do you want to die in horrible way with chemos or peacefully?". I am seeing people in the bus station smoking while waiting and they are many. I am reading articles every day that universally smoking is in decline but not here (Greece). This place is still a smoking heaven. The pack costs 4,50€. People from UK, Canada and US get excited when they see that a carton of 10 packs costs 35€. And I am sitting at the bus station and staring at them making puffs slowly and some of the smoke comes to my face and I am feeling useless. Why am I not helping them? Why are they not helping themselves? Don't they know how bad smoking is? I remember the last time I went to a doctor and the doctor had on her desk an open pack of cigarettes. I was angry. I was disappointed. Sorry for all this nonsense but I wanted to get off my chest some thoughts. I know how horrible a relapse will be. Headaches, vomit and dizziness. But my mind is missing that drug and I have to make peace with the thought that I should never smoke again.

Yesterday I had a bad day at my work with my coworker. had a panic attack because of the fight with my colleague. When I have panic attacks the first thing that comes to mind is "smoke a cigarette to calm down". I handled it without relapsing and stayed away. It was a good test on day 5. I have a long history on panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I see a doctor for 5-6 years and taking pills since then. My mind on panic attacks is blurry. I never take good decisions. I am afraid of myself because I take stupid decisions. But I am still nervous. Smoking must not be an option.


I need some good internet feed on smoking. For example, I have found these from the Guardian Smoking | Society | The Guardian and from the NY Times Smoking and Tobacco - The New York Times and I also follow accounts like CDC Tobacco Free and Truth Initiative. Any good suggestions?

Keep up the fight!

- Dimitris


So this happened...

Posted by DimArtist Jul 26, 2017

After a very long time as unemployed I started working recently in the airport at the duty-free store as a promoter/salesman. It's nice, I talk to people from all over the world and I am having a good time and the wage is pretty good so far. What I sale is mostly tobacco and alcohol. It's ironic because I don't want to have any connection with cigarettes/cigarillos/cigars but since last month it is my job. I keep learning every day things that I didn't know before and in combination from my smoking experience I am really good at it. Today I sold 418$ cigars. New personal record. Also the last month I am having some really bad family issues which make me very sad. So sad that I am having intense thoughts of smoking every day. And I have been relapsing a lot lately. I bought cigarettes twice. After 5-6 cigarettes I was having a terrible headache. I bought a pack yesterday too. The headache was so severe and my stomach was so terrible that I threw up when I arrived home. I threw up a lot. I was so scared that I said many times inside my head "never again" for real this time. It was not a joke. I can't allow myself again to be in that terrible situation. I write this to confess my mistake. Another thing is that I watch a lot of people who buy cigarettes. Many of them have aged badly, missing teeth, having wrinkles, their skin has been affected. I can understand who is smoking or not when I look at someone. Sometimes I think that what I do is unethical. But then I think it's their choice. They are adults. I don't want to be like them. The smoking lounges are terrible at the airports. It's like a smoking cage. It almost chokes you from the smoking smell. So to summarise, I will keep selling cigarettes and I will not smoke again. I was scared for real when I threw up. I want myself healthy and looking healthy too. Many tell me that I look 25 and I am 29 years old. This puts a smile on my face. I wouldn't want to look 35. So, yeah. Feel free to "punish" me on how bad boy I was. I learned already my lesson and this is my experience so far. I really want sometimes to tell those people who will buy cartons from me that smoking will make them die younger or have health issues but that nicotine is a strong drug. It rules their bodies.

Here's the thing. I slipped up. Again. After 9 days of instant regret the smoking image was stuck in my head. I was keep thinking of it. And in a glance I went to the kiosk and bought a pack. I knew that it was a terrible thing in the moment I was ordering the pack from the employee. And she gave it to me. Although I was excited as a boy who was 16 again and made an illegal thing. The day I asked for the first time my first pack. After many years not only I convinced myself to quit but there was also an additional reason. I had sleep apnea and I had to use a CPAP machine and I can definitey not use it while I am smoking. It's a help breathing machine. Yes, you can die from sleep apnea in the long term. Carrie Fischer did. I keep failing because in my head which is a terrible place with many thoughts I keep thinking smoking as a partner who you have in good times and bad times. In these images I am young, free with a lot of friends smoking and rolling their own cigarettes and having fun. Now I am 29, I am not that outgoing anymore. I like staying in at my free time. I have very few friends. I am more wise but lonely too. I miss those times but after a while I don't. I see A LOT of people smoking. At the bus stations, while walking, at the exit of the metro, waiting someone, outside of the hospitals (many of them are doctors!) or stores, at some movies or series there is still that image of the cool guy smoking and puffing. I've read some articles here and people tend to be rude instead of supportive to those who relapse. This is a terrible guy. Trust me, coming here and uploading my blog it's often a confession. A confession of my failure. We already have enough guilt and regret. Sorrry but it's an addiction we are talking about. After heroin and cocaine it's nicotine and that damn thing controls us. What we do is denying that control. Cigarettes indeed are pretty useless as Alan Carr said. They don't offer us anything, they just control us and killing us slowly. But I can't block cigarettes from my eyesight and I am starting to understand that instead of going apeshit and argue that this stick kills you and controls you, these people are addicted. Simply as that. Most of you probably live in US or in countries where smoking indoors is prohibited but I am living in a place where half of the adult population is smoking. Greece is one of the top 5 countries worldwide with the highest smoking rates. Definitely 1st in Europe. To me , smoking is a thing of the past. I don't want it anymore. It makes me sick. I have no breaths and I can not take a walk of my dog because I don't have that good breathing. I get easily exhausted and many headaches. My body rejects it. I keep trying and it's damn hard. My father tries to quit smoking after 5 decades of smoking. He simply can't because it's his part of his life. A big part. Let's be easy to those who relapse, everyone has its reasons. And if you failed, don't worry. You can try many times until you complete the game. You have unlimited lives and if you keep practing in the end you will make it. Cheers!


Day 44: The Crisis

Posted by DimArtist Jun 7, 2017

Hello everyone! I hope you are well. The last days have been weird to me. I have some obsessed thoughts on smoking. You see, I will have much space and time on my own at my house because my mother will leave for a few days and a devil voice inside me consists telling me that it's ok to smoke just a pack or two. I need help here.


18 Days Not a Puff

Posted by DimArtist May 12, 2017

I just wanted to update the blog by saying that I am 18 days smokefree and I am well. Sometimes I miss it but I keep going. I rewarded myself with the money I saved by buying some clothes. Nothing is like the first days, the withdrawal symptoms go away and are less intense. I hope this will give power to people who just started the quitting journey.


5 Days Smokefree

Posted by DimArtist Apr 29, 2017

I have completed 5 days without a cigarette. My mother is pleased with my decision. I am also pleased. The symptoms are going away day after day. I no longer want the first thing to do in the morning is to smoke with my coffee. This is a big deal for me. I am making progress. I sometimes feel my legs very tired and being hyperactive but I know these are symptoms. But the thing is that I see many people smoking at the cafes, on the street waiting for the bus and I envy them for some reason. This is important and it doesn't get away every time I try to quit smoking. I think I am missing something. I think that I'm in a party standing alone having noone to talk to and others just having fun, laughing etc. This is my mind trying to trick me. I know my mind misses it a lot and alerts me to go buy a pack but I'm more disciplined now. But seeing other people smoking is my kryptonite. I can get easily affected by these things.


Day 3: Mind games

Posted by DimArtist Apr 27, 2017

I am on third day and I think it's the day that my body ejects nicotine and I am free. However my mind plays some games to me. It tells the same things that always tells me when I am smokefree. Like "everyone is smoking but you, who is the fool now?" and "you should have selected another quit day you are not ready yet" and "you will gain some weight and you are trying to lose not to gain". It tries to find me excuses to smoke. The truth is that I feel less tired and less sleepy than day 1 and day 2 and I hope this will go away soon. I am good but my mind lies to me to feed him nicotine. Not in a crazy level but still it makes me anxious and afraid on how I will manage myself in a bad day.

I just passed 50 hours of me being smokefree and there is this weird withdrawal symptom. I know the first week is a hell week and it's the hardest one as a quitter. But I feel sleepy all the time. I don't know why. I am sleeping and taking naps all day because of quitting smoking? I take antidepressants but I haven't felt that sleepy every time I am trying to quit. Please anyone who has any advice on this I will highly appreciate it.


The Last Cigarette

Posted by DimArtist Apr 24, 2017

Hi! Haven't posted in a while but I read some of the blogs when I get the newsletter. I am quitting again and today is the day. I have scheduled it for some time, I did some research and I have been preparing for this moment. There is one cigarette left. I am excited and frightened. I decided to get back my life, to stop killing myself daily and slowly. The vaping thing didn't do much. Instead it get me hooked and wanted more. I don't suggest it. A big thing to quitting smoking is to have a lot of confidence to do so and I'm confident right now of making it happen. There is this video that it's really helpful. I watch every time I want to quit. I can tell you that being a smoker the last two months made me have nausea and headaches. A lot of headaches. I couldn't stand it anymore. I wanted to throw up after having some cigarettes. I don't want to live like this. This is a good reason to consider quitting for me. My body tells me in that way that I can not continue smoking, that I'm killing me slowly. I also want to have whiter teeth, fresh breath, smell and taste better. I don't want to age quickly and I don't want wrinkles. I definitely and I'm telling this as a man, don't want to lose hair. Teeth and hair are my biggest fears. I am having nightmares on this. I don't want my dog to breath my smoke. I want to use again my CPAP machine because I have sleeping apnea and I want oxygen in my body. I am afraid of all the withdrawal symptoms but this time I will make it. And in my next panic attack I won't buy a pack. I will dea it with other more healthy options. I also want to complete Alen Carr's book. So, that's it. Wish me luck. I hope I can aboard on the Smokefree Train.


Day 2

Posted by DimArtist Mar 27, 2017

I am actually frightened of being smoke free. I know that it's the withdrawl symptom that is talking but as Alan Carr said smokers are afraid in the thought that will never smoke again. And I am afraid as well. Many talk about Freedom but the thought that I won't have a cigarette with my coffee in the morning makes me uncomfortable. I'm 28 years old. I believe that I'm not in a age that I should be afraid of but I definitely made a promise a decade ago that I don't want to smoke in my thirties that it's just a university thing. A stupid thing. I feel a lot sleepy during the day. I am kind of bored and sleeping makes me forget my thoughts. I know that I have usual withdrawal things but please go easy on me. I made a plan of playing games but it still makes me want to smoke. Probably I'm not good at making plans but at least I'm trying and I haven't smoked for at least 48 hours.

It's been over 24 hours since my last cigarette. I have been vaping and I can tell I'm not a fan of it. I like that I can vape indoors but it's definitey not the same and I kind don't like the inhaling dry vapor of watermelon liquid (don't ask me why it's watermelon flavor, I didn't buy it, it came as a gift) that makes me cough a lot even they say it's 95% safer. Many told me yesterday that it's a substitute for smoking and not an NRT. I agree. I just want it to cope with the withdrawl symptoms for the four days when nicotine is still in my body. I think it's a good alternative after many failed attempts of cold turkey. I will try to play video games in order to not paying attention to my withdrawal symptoms. Thanks again for your support and your comments. I am halfway to Alen Carr's book but I get the whole idea that I don't need cigarette and that I have to track my triggers and face them.

After many and many faied attempts, I decided today that it's our national independence day in Greece to go smokefree. But the thing is that this time I will try vaping instead. A friend of mine gave to me as a gift and a 10 ml liquid bottle but the thing is that it doesn't last much and it's not that cheap as many say. In two-three days I have to buy a new liquid for 5-6€. It seems a lot safer but still I think I am not kicking the habit. I want to know what's your story. Have you ever start vaping when you quit smoking? Did it work out? Is it worth it? Also doesn any of you use a CPAP machine when you are sleeping because I want to use it again and I never used when I was smoking but what about vaping? Can I start using it again?


Is It Worth It?

Posted by DimArtist Mar 15, 2017

I have been smoking for a full month. The first thing I want to do in the morning is to have a cigarette with my coffee. To be honest I don't want to stop because I enjoy it. It wakes me up, it wakes my mind and my whole body. Sometimes I stop it and very soon I fail. I've been smokefree for 3 days and I sleep all day. All day long. I feel sleepy as hell, I can't do anything, I have no purpose to do anything. I don't want to do anything. I sleep for 12 hours and then I sleep for 3 hours in the evening. That's not me. I get angry because of that. Smoking helps me being alert and do things. Right now I really like it. I have been reading and preparing to my quit day but all I do is keep failing. Why every time I quit smoking I sleep so much? My mind can't wake up and I am extremely frustrated. I can't keep up anymore. I am torturing myself and I hate feeling sleepy all day long. I didn't have so much trouble in the past, some panic attacks forced me to start smoking again but I don't see the reason why to quit now. I know all the health benefits but it's nothing compares to how I feel right now and it doesn't stop. It's not just 10 minutes to make me want to smoke, it's all day. I really need some help, some advice from your personal experience.