Some hours ago I smoked some cigarettes after I bought a pack in the morning. I did it again. Why not? I am not credible enough. We all know that. And I am not calm. Not even when I go to have some coffee with a friend I haven't seen months. The truth about people who trying to quit smoking is THAT NO ONE WILL EVER UNDERSTAND THEM. Seriously. You tell them that you're quiting and they are just like "Oh great! You can make it!" But they don't care more than that. We still have some terrible issues to work with. And we are all alone. All by ourselfes. They will not understand what we are going through. Even when the day is ****. I had a day like that. I had to spend two hours to get back home. I want to quit. My mind tells me go and have a pack. After 5-6 cigarettes I get dizzy and I get a headache. Just like now. And I throw the pack of cigarettes. I leave it at one pleace that someone who has a smoking addiction like me will get it. My ex used to say that I don't drink and I don't smoke therefore I am a boring person. My ex used to beat me as well. She was that good for advices don't you think. I am so obsessed with people who smoke that I watch them puff at the bus stations and I always think that they must having a great time. Seriously. They don't just have to smoke. They have a pleasure. I am getting mad at how beautiful people smoke. I feel like nobody. I feel like I am losing something. I know that I am typing bullshit but this is how I feel. I am jealous of them. I watch them waiting at traffic if they are smoking or not. I am sorry. But I am mad. Mad for my decision to quit. I want to start over and be good this time. I will go pring Alen Carr's book to read it at my free time. I hope it helps.
I keep relapsing every three days. Even when I have very frustrating headaches that make me puke and promising "never again" my mind is stuck. It tells me to go buy a pack because I am bored or anxious or anything. I am so mad at myself that I can not stop smoking. Forever quit. I can't. I am awful at this. I really need some help. I really need some tips. And basically a will to quit. I keep doing the same stupid things over and over again. Buying a pack, being mad for that decision, smoking, not liking it, headaches, puke, promising never again and start over. Have you anyone experienced something like that? If yes, please help me because I am losing my mind with myself.
I decided to quit on my dog's 5th birthday. That's it today. I also decided to make some changes in my life like losing weight and improve myself. I know it's hard to do many things together but it's a plan. A plan for me. Smoking is going to make me worse and I stop it here. I will fight the cravings and win. It's the death of my smoking self. That's it. After a very long batlle who started 13 years ago with my first cigarette and quitting for 2,5 years and smoking now and then and too many relapses. I now at 29 years old stop it. So farewell cigarettes. Now it's time for a new era. A new me.
Today it's the first day and probably an embarassing one. When I relapsed at September 2, I immediately posted my relpase here on this blog. I want to be honest and being honest is not always for good. The next day I woke up and my mouth was dry as hell. I also had some gluish white thing coming out of my mouth and I spitted blood. I was frightened. Every time I relapse my body rejects it by vomitting, headaches or even spitting blood. I finished the pack last night and today I was nervous plus I feel ill. But I wanted a cigarette to smoke. So I went outside of the airport (where I work) to find someone before the entrance who I was sure that he will be smoking. I found two of them and asked for a cigarette. They said no. I was so embarassed. I thought for a second what the hell am I doing. Is this the addiction who talks? Is this probably one of the lowest times in my life? So, I still feel ill. But one comment from the last post really switched on my mind. It was saying that when my mind goes to smoking I will respond with "I don't smoke. I don't do that anymore". And it somehow works. It's like a defensive mechanism which by repeating that phrase it becomes a habit and therefore a way of life. I have told many times that I feel jealous when I see someone smoking or buying cartons of cigarettes from me because I feel that I am missing his pleasure but I also have many role models who are my friends or colleagues, celebrities (Bella Hadid recently quit by posting on Instagram and gave me confidence), athletes and people who have a bright white smile that says that they don't smoke they have a healthty lifestyle. I want to be like them. And the magic phrase is: I don't do that anymore. I used to smoke. I have an addiction but now I'm free. I can't change the world though. I can't go to the smoking lounges at the airport and tell people inside who smoke "Smoking kills! Quit now!". They will tell me to f**k off. But me, no. I don't do that anymore. I used to smoke. I still struggle with my addiction. It's not easy but I chose to be free.
The last days are being very depressing for me. Yeah, I know excuses. But just listen to me first and then type your comments. I have some trouble with my family, my job status is uncertain after this month and I am the only one who brings a wage at home. My future is uncertain and I just try to avoid thinking of it and live each day like nothing happens. But I see at my work every day those goddamn smokers who buy hundreds of cartons of cigarettes and I feel I am missing something. When my morale is low I think of smoking. I think that I need some relief. Something that will give some boost. Smoking is not that. I know it. But my mind tells me that I am this one. I have failed hundreds of times to quit. I was 37 days smokefree. And I failed again. I feel like an idiot. I woke up, went to the station and bought a pack of cigarettes. The moment I light it up I think that my smokefree record will be erased. I missed the bus on purpose to have a cigarette. And then a second one. I also missed my train to go to work so I had to wait for 30 minutes for the next one. Then I arrived at work late but I light up a cigarette before entering at my work space. After two hours I asked my supervisor to give me some time to leave because of something which was not important and I went outside to have two cigarettes. Then at my break I went to the smoking lounge which OMG it's terrible. The feeling of being in a glass cage, the smell, the smoke, how uncomfortable it was. I went again for a cigarette at my second break to have one. After that returning to my home as I was waiting for my bus I light up a cigarette but I saw the bus coming so I dropped it. As I was arriving home I was thinking that being a smoker consumes a lot of time in a day. You have to find some time in your day to smoke. I didn't like it. I didn't like the smoker's day. I didn't feel free as the Winston ad above me at the smoking lounge. It was all bullsh*t. I felt like I had to find some time for my addiction. I fet addicted. With only 7 cigarettes. I will try again. These days are very important to me. It's time to stop and restart. I hate the feeling that I let you down guys. I am sorry. I really am. Please be gentle.
Today I had a very insisting feeling that I needed a cigarette at my work. It wasn't 10 minutes. It was way more than that. I have this feeling that I escaped a maze or a trap that I didn't fall in. It's very weird feeling cause as I am typing these words I still have a feeling of I need some cigarette. I know I am in No Man's Land at this moment but this is the time when I have more and harder cravings. I won't say that I'm facing some difficulties because we all do and it's an excuse but yes I have my reasons to feel stressed. Family stuff or if they renew my work status. I know cigarette won't take them away but I need some relief. There is a lot of weight in my shoulders and I just need to calm down.
I think I'm OK but I won't lie. Sometimes I think about smoking and I see smokers to enjoy smoking. Sure they are addicted. I sale cigarettes and alcohol and when I see someone that asks me if I have a specific brand of cigarettes and I say no we don't sell it some of them get angry, some of them get sad like the whole world is coming to an end for them. I have made many relapses after being one month smoke free and for me now the game gets more difficult. I have to resist. I have noticed that I hve gained weight and I feel awful and that brings me to eating more food. I don't want to smoke. I want to improve myself. I really do.
I am on Day 17 and my mind is still trying to make me see cigarette as a liberating thing that will definitely do not do any harm to me and will unstress me with just a puff. I know I don't want to relapse because the last time was pretty painful for me and the nicotine addiction comes to my dreams to tell me to have a cigarette and my problems will probably be solved. I am not a fool. I know what to do. But it really upsets me to see others enjoying their cigarette. I am trying to find some perfect role models who do not smoke and that they will motivate me to continue my quit journey. My father is the opposite of that role model. He's almost 60 years old and he smokes since he was 12 years old. He is a lost case. I have tried to tell him to quit or at least find an alternative healthier way than cigarettes. Oh and by the way I just found this article. Big Tobacco’s Next Big Thing? Tobacco - WSJ This method is getting more and more popular and a lot of customers ask me about this one. I think it's one of the last desperate for the tobacco industry to stay relative. Lastly, I recommend you watching "Thank You for Smoking" movie.
It's been a week since my last relapse. My mind tries to romantize the smoking. For example, tomorrow I will watch football on a cafe and most people will be smoking. What I am thinking is that a great thing for watching a match and having a beer is also having a cigarette because all the others in that cafe will be smoking and I will be missing something. My mind tells me that I have some money on my wallet and that I have to spend them and that death is inevitable whatever I do. It will happen one day. But my next thought is "do you want to die in horrible way with chemos or peacefully?". I am seeing people in the bus station smoking while waiting and they are many. I am reading articles every day that universally smoking is in decline but not here (Greece). This place is still a smoking heaven. The pack costs 4,50€. People from UK, Canada and US get excited when they see that a carton of 10 packs costs 35€. And I am sitting at the bus station and staring at them making puffs slowly and some of the smoke comes to my face and I am feeling useless. Why am I not helping them? Why are they not helping themselves? Don't they know how bad smoking is? I remember the last time I went to a doctor and the doctor had on her desk an open pack of cigarettes. I was angry. I was disappointed. Sorry for all this nonsense but I wanted to get off my chest some thoughts. I know how horrible a relapse will be. Headaches, vomit and dizziness. But my mind is missing that drug and I have to make peace with the thought that I should never smoke again.
Yesterday I had a bad day at my work with my coworker. had a panic attack because of the fight with my colleague. When I have panic attacks the first thing that comes to mind is "smoke a cigarette to calm down". I handled it without relapsing and stayed away. It was a good test on day 5. I have a long history on panic attacks, anxiety and depression. I see a doctor for 5-6 years and taking pills since then. My mind on panic attacks is blurry. I never take good decisions. I am afraid of myself because I take stupid decisions. But I am still nervous. Smoking must not be an option.
After a very long time as unemployed I started working recently in the airport at the duty-free store as a promoter/salesman. It's nice, I talk to people from all over the world and I am having a good time and the wage is pretty good so far. What I sale is mostly tobacco and alcohol. It's ironic because I don't want to have any connection with cigarettes/cigarillos/cigars but since last month it is my job. I keep learning every day things that I didn't know before and in combination from my smoking experience I am really good at it. Today I sold 418$ cigars. New personal record. Also the last month I am having some really bad family issues which make me very sad. So sad that I am having intense thoughts of smoking every day. And I have been relapsing a lot lately. I bought cigarettes twice. After 5-6 cigarettes I was having a terrible headache. I bought a pack yesterday too. The headache was so severe and my stomach was so terrible that I threw up when I arrived home. I threw up a lot. I was so scared that I said many times inside my head "never again" for real this time. It was not a joke. I can't allow myself again to be in that terrible situation. I write this to confess my mistake. Another thing is that I watch a lot of people who buy cigarettes. Many of them have aged badly, missing teeth, having wrinkles, their skin has been affected. I can understand who is smoking or not when I look at someone. Sometimes I think that what I do is unethical. But then I think it's their choice. They are adults. I don't want to be like them. The smoking lounges are terrible at the airports. It's like a smoking cage. It almost chokes you from the smoking smell. So to summarise, I will keep selling cigarettes and I will not smoke again. I was scared for real when I threw up. I want myself healthy and looking healthy too. Many tell me that I look 25 and I am 29 years old. This puts a smile on my face. I wouldn't want to look 35. So, yeah. Feel free to "punish" me on how bad boy I was. I learned already my lesson and this is my experience so far. I really want sometimes to tell those people who will buy cartons from me that smoking will make them die younger or have health issues but that nicotine is a strong drug. It rules their bodies.
Here's the thing. I slipped up. Again. After 9 days of instant regret the smoking image was stuck in my head. I was keep thinking of it. And in a glance I went to the kiosk and bought a pack. I knew that it was a terrible thing in the moment I was ordering the pack from the employee. And she gave it to me. Although I was excited as a boy who was 16 again and made an illegal thing. The day I asked for the first time my first pack. After many years not only I convinced myself to quit but there was also an additional reason. I had sleep apnea and I had to use a CPAP machine and I can definitey not use it while I am smoking. It's a help breathing machine. Yes, you can die from sleep apnea in the long term. Carrie Fischer did. I keep failing because in my head which is a terrible place with many thoughts I keep thinking smoking as a partner who you have in good times and bad times. In these images I am young, free with a lot of friends smoking and rolling their own cigarettes and having fun. Now I am 29, I am not that outgoing anymore. I like staying in at my free time. I have very few friends. I am more wise but lonely too. I miss those times but after a while I don't. I see A LOT of people smoking. At the bus stations, while walking, at the exit of the metro, waiting someone, outside of the hospitals (many of them are doctors!) or stores, at some movies or series there is still that image of the cool guy smoking and puffing. I've read some articles here and people tend to be rude instead of supportive to those who relapse. This is a terrible guy. Trust me, coming here and uploading my blog it's often a confession. A confession of my failure. We already have enough guilt and regret. Sorrry but it's an addiction we are talking about. After heroin and cocaine it's nicotine and that damn thing controls us. What we do is denying that control. Cigarettes indeed are pretty useless as Alan Carr said. They don't offer us anything, they just control us and killing us slowly. But I can't block cigarettes from my eyesight and I am starting to understand that instead of going apeshit and argue that this stick kills you and controls you, these people are addicted. Simply as that. Most of you probably live in US or in countries where smoking indoors is prohibited but I am living in a place where half of the adult population is smoking. Greece is one of the top 5 countries worldwide with the highest smoking rates. Definitely 1st in Europe. To me , smoking is a thing of the past. I don't want it anymore. It makes me sick. I have no breaths and I can not take a walk of my dog because I don't have that good breathing. I get easily exhausted and many headaches. My body rejects it. I keep trying and it's damn hard. My father tries to quit smoking after 5 decades of smoking. He simply can't because it's his part of his life. A big part. Let's be easy to those who relapse, everyone has its reasons. And if you failed, don't worry. You can try many times until you complete the game. You have unlimited lives and if you keep practing in the end you will make it. Cheers!
Hello everyone! I hope you are well. The last days have been weird to me. I have some obsessed thoughts on smoking. You see, I will have much space and time on my own at my house because my mother will leave for a few days and a devil voice inside me consists telling me that it's ok to smoke just a pack or two. I need help here.
I just wanted to update the blog by saying that I am 18 days smokefree and I am well. Sometimes I miss it but I keep going. I rewarded myself with the money I saved by buying some clothes. Nothing is like the first days, the withdrawal symptoms go away and are less intense. I hope this will give power to people who just started the quitting journey.