cancel
Showing results for 
Show  only  | Search instead for 
Did you mean: 

Share your quitting journey

Contemplating the unthinkable

Daniela2016
Member
2 24 231

Warning: this is going to be a long blog…

It’s been a while, and despite the support system you are all offering here, I’ve been thinking more and more about smoking again.

My body is failing me: never been so heavy in my life, joints are painful and prevent me from walking, diabetes is all over the place (and the doctors are not at fault here, but my compulsive eating), my brain is in constant fog due to Hashimoto’s, and my skin is being covered by big, leopard like spots, due to another autoimmune/inflammatory disease called Granuloma annulare, no treatment available for that.  The stress is unbearable, with being stuck in the house for a while now, thankfully I can work from home, but I lost interest in that too, and scared I might lose the job if I don’t start working properly.  I am constantly tired, while the average sleep/night is about 5h or less.  My liver is messed up (possibly from many years of smoking, the irony of that), and I am lactose intolerant, I have IBS, and gluten intolerance. The liver won’t take any supplements, not even to help with Hashimoto’s, let alone any weight loss supplements. But weight loss is the secret to stop the liver disease from progressing, beautiful vicious circle, right?

Our puppy is been sick for over one year, and under treatment for an autoimmune skin disease (atopic dermatitis), he is on cortisone and an immune depressant (Apoquel), and had gained so much weight, one of his legs is giving in because of the weight.  We’ve been to the dermatologist who put him on injectable immune depressant and a special diet, which he did not eat, I had to use some kind of protein (chicken) to attract him to eat some of the diet kibble, but he did too little of that.  We ended up impacting the kidney, and the derm sent us back to the regular vet.  And he is making me “conduct” the treatment depending on the results I observe.  But the fact is, if I reduce any of the drugs he is on, his skin it turning so red, almost raw.  So I am watching him, and his little body failing him also; he is going to be 13 in September, but that is not that much for a Shih Tzu, he could live a longer life if I could somehow find a remedy to his skin condition.  We’ve tried natural remedies, white fish diet, raw diet, home cooked diet, apple vinegar in water soaks, Clorox soaks (to prevent infections), and many other alternatives.

Mom is going to be 89 in July, and if while working normally (3 days/week in the office, and 2 from home), I was worried when away from home, I found that now, having to be in each other’s way all the time, our depression is worsening, for both of us.  She used to smile when greeting me back home, now she rarely does.

My son, my smart, handsome and caring son, is doing what I raised him to do: living his life, being a good provider, and a good husband, but I miss him from the bottom of my heart; we are speaking, texting, but I only saw him once this year, and I don’t think is fair to share my fears with him.

My long life confidant, my sister cousin, passed away in January.

I have been here long enough to know, these are not reasons, they are all excuses to pick up smoking again.  I have said it way too many times to newbies and I believe it without a shadow of a doubt.

I know there is no such thing as just one, and I am not looking for that ONE.

What I am looking for is an increase in metabolism which we all lose (and it is 10% darn it) when we quit smoking.  Something to get me motivated into a healthier life style, other than drugs.  I’ve attempted an anti-depressant about 1 month ago, and developed allergies, after the very first pill.

The more I think about it, the more it seems to be the answer to my current situation; and if it is going to be the death of me, so be it.  When I can’t stand my body or my life anymore, it is what I see today as a good exit strategy, in order to correct the course of events, and be the support I need to be to mom, hubby, puppy, or our kids (while they don’t seem to really need me anymore).

Maybe there is still hope for me to stick with the quit, maybe that is why I am writing and posting, hoping something in the feedback will click with me.

Please don’t give me what I already know by heart, that this is just the addict in me speaking, that I am romancing the cigarette, that the addiction found me at my lowest and is now taking over, I am seeing it all as clearly as you do. But the increase in metabolism is a fact, documented by all medical reviews about quitting.

There are no cigarettes in the house at this time, and I promise you I will not get out to buy any until I post this and give you a chance to comment.

Maybe I am letting you know because I used to be a very obedient kid; and we say it here, don’t do it before you blog about it.  And maybe somewhere, deeply, I am hoping for the miracle to help me hang onto the quit.  Or maybe is just the feeling of respect for all the time, advice, and friendship you invested in the relationship with me, here on this site.

I will not just be disappearing from the site, because I’d be ashamed of “giving in” but obviously I can’t be here advising newbies, when I’ll be losing the right to do so. Please do not call me, I won't have the heart to speak with you.

So here it is: I am contemplating getting out and buy, not a pack, a carton, because if smoking were to give me what I want, some weight loss, it will take more than a pack of cigarettes to do that!!!

My love to all of you!

PS And please do not suggest diets, or exercise, or therapy, I've tried them all, and I am too far gone to come back using either.  The other alternative I have would be the Bariatric surgery, but I am scared, more scared than to smoke for another 2 years or so, or whatever long it will take me to find some weight balance.

..................

I've been staring at this for a long time, wondering if I should post or just go on with my life, and keep it with me, but you deserve that much in return for everything you've done, and might have to do again, for me...

24 Comments