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Daniela-3-11-2016 Blog

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Daniela-3-11-2016

Almost there

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 May 19, 2018

Luggage 98% done, stress at 100%, but this is the day mom and I are leaving for Romania.  Long planned, never really ready for it, but we are going.

Mom has assistance on all the airports, and I will be the one dragging all the luggage   I don't mind as well as she will do well on the flights, splitting it in 2 (with one night in Boston each way) should help her minimize he jet lag and be just a little better than on our last trip.

Some very emotional things are awaiting for us, and many admin tasks, so I will be busy, but there is a promise I make right here, right now to all of you; no matter how much negative emotions I have to face, smoking is not an option.  NOPE will show me the way.

Ellen, elvan, please tell your ribs to heal and not hurt anymore, and Nancy, Youngatheart.7.4.12, be well and on both your feet by the time I get back.

To the rest of my friends here, please be well, stay true to our promise, that we don't that anymore.

If I can, I will be joining the bonfire tonight, if not please make sure to burn my 15,989 un-smoked cigarettes.

Love you all, be good!

D

Daniela-3-11-2016

I just don't smoke

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 May 12, 2018

Sorry for not being very active lately; my life has been full of sadness.  No need for any details, because I recognize the blessings in my life, and how much luckier than others I am, in many respects.  It just seems many reasons to be sad have assaulted me all at once.

And you would be guessing right, if thinking smoking had been on my mind way more often than let's say, last year this time of the year.

Someone here asked, and we all commented, "does EX work?".  And I am here to say yes it does, and I am the living proof at 792 DOF (has been 2 years on March).

Because I learned here smoking is an addiction not a habit, I learned how my addict brain will make me think of it as the solution to all stress, sadness, depression, happiness, relaxation!  I know that, I learned it here and I know despite the thought of smoking poking at me daily, I know it is not the answer to my sadness.

So I just don't smoke.

Because I know I want to be an EX, and I know there is no such thing like just one, so if I pick up just one, it will take me a while, if ever, to become an EX again.

And I do not want that for myself, so I just don't smoke, and life goes on.

 

Daniela-3-11-2016

Update

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 May 3, 2018

Some might have noticed, I have not contributed much in the last 2-3 weeks, and just want to reassure anyone who cares that I am OK.  783 DOFs and counting, health about the same, work overwhelming at times, and taking care of mom with no time away from her (but 4 days in the last 4 years), are all taking a toll on me.  All I want to do once I am done working is watch mindless TV, after of course I fixed dinner, and lunches for the next day, and took care of all mom's needs. 

We are leaving for Romania on the 19th, and all I am hearing from home are bad news: everybody is sick, dying or died, the house is falling apart, need to take mom for a new hearing aid (because of course is way less expensive than it is here).  Can't wait for June 2nd when we get back home in Phoenix. 

But for the time being I feel not inspired or worth inspiring anyone.

I stop by from time to time, and comment when I can, I am happy for the group getting ready for the cruise, and wish you all a wonderful time.

Hibiscus are blooming beautifully at our home, and a couple of days ago, the jasmine is also catching up, and smelling beautifully.

Image may contain: plant, flower, nature and outdoor

Image may contain: plant, flower, nature and outdoor

Image may contain: plant, flower, outdoor and nature

Image may contain: plant, flower and outdoor

 

If I can't be of much help, I'll at least share some nice pics

Daniela-3-11-2016

Need prayers

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Apr 20, 2018

I have no siblings, but one of my cousins is the closest to a sister one can have. She turned 71 in March.  She's been diagnosed 2 years ago with breast cancer, but due many associated diseases (she recovered from a stroke when she was 48), the treatment for breast cancer was not very aggressive, no chemo, no radiations.  Her last blood tests and MRIs are revealing metastases in the liver, lungs, and in 2 vertebrae. She's been put on Tamoxifen, and Zometa (to prevent bone loss and potential fractures due to metastasis).  She had the first infusion yesterday, and today she called me in horrifying pain, telling me every little bone of her body hurts.  Tramadol was prescribed for the pain, but I feel so hopeless, being away, and not able to hold her. Her 2 daughters and husband are around her, but I wish her pain will diminish soon, and she'll have the strength to accept the next infusion, in 30 days...

Daniela-3-11-2016

Life AFTER smoking

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Apr 14, 2018

Tomorrow I'll be 765 DOF smober

 

It is not a big milestone, but I like those series numbers, and it is because for over a week, I did not know how many days of freedom I've accumulated so far.

 

It is because one gets to that point in their quit when one or 7 days smober don't matter that much anymore.

 

It is because the only thing we need when a crave hits (because I believe that never goes away forever) is NOPE (not one puff ever), or NEF (never ever forget the first, second, or third day of the quit), or just simply tell myself "I DON'T DO THAT ANYMORE".

 

It matters because it gives newbies HOPE that there really is LIFE after Cigarettes.

 

Things will fall into place, life will happen with good and bad, but SMOKING IS NO LONGER REQUIRED!

Daniela 764 DOF

From my house to yours, with lots of health, joy, peace, and love!

 

It has been a while since we are consistent donors to the American Veteran's Association.  One can't believe how much stuff we are buying, using it for a little while then toss it in the closet to use "later"...rather never!

 

During lunch hours I proceeded through stuff which needed to go.  Some of the things I held on for years were purses.

Maybe because they have so many pockets, holding so much of my past???

Or maybe simply because I was too lazy to check all the pockets before donating.

 

Today I did: found a lot of cough drops (for years I was carrying them in purses, pockets, pocket book, you name it); and a lot of pieces of gum; and I was just thinking "weird", no lighter yet, when my hand found it: still half full, one of the transparent where you can see the flammable liquid in.  All of them reminders of my life as a smoker: always trying to fight the cough, or freshen my breath, or carrying the accessories to my addiction.

 

But what I did not expect was to find an e-cigarette.

 

15 years ago, after my lost 6 months' quit, for a long time I've attempted to quit using all kind of help I could think of: patches, Nicorette gum, hypnotherapy with a therapist, and CD for self hypnotherapy, and of course the e-cigarette.  I had gotten to the point where all I smoked were e-cigarettes; then the supplier moved from the mall I was getting the refills from (keep in mind, this was 12-13 years ago, and the e-cigarette was not such a "hot" (pun intended) item), and I resumed my smoking cigarettes.

 

So here I was today, looking at it, it looked just like this, 

and very, very, very tempted to see if it's still working.  I am sure it would not have been, too many years had gone by, but after a little fight with myself, I unscrewed the  liquid nicotine container, and dropped the 2 pieces in the garbage along with the lighter.

 

Small victory, one would say!  It was not small to me, because elders who have way more years of smobriety than my 2 years will tell you; the temptation will always be present, but we always have to remember:  WE DO NOT DO THAT ANYMORE, electronic or tobacco filled, we do not smoke anymore.

Purses are tucked away in the donation bag, the the rest went to the big garbage container in the backyard.

Daniela-3-11-2016

Acceptance

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Mar 29, 2018

And this time I want to think of acceptance,  and want to share with my friends, in images, quotes.

May it be an inspiration for all!

“Understanding is the first step to acceptance, and only with acceptance can there be recovery.” 
 J.K. Rowling, Harry Potter and the Goblet of Fire

“Some people believe holding on and hanging in there are signs of great strength. However, there are times when it takes much more strength to know when to let go and then do it.” 
 Ann Landers

“I am my own biggest critic. Before anyone else has criticized me, I have already criticized myself. But for the rest of my life, I am going to be with me and I don't want to spend my life with someone who is always critical. So I am going to stop being my own critic. It's high time that I accept all the great things about me.” 
 C. JoyBell C.

“My happiness grows in direct proportion to my acceptance, and in inverse proportion to my expectations.” 
 Michael J. Fox

Daniela-3-11-2016

Be a better self

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Mar 29, 2018

I heard it here, more than once, but Nancy Youngatheart.7.4.12 said it yesterday on Missy's blog: "we should not feel guilty about being sick from smoking, we were addicts, we did not have enough information about consequences, but rather we were surrounded by adds for cigarettes".

For years I considered myself a "light smoker" because I was smoking around 15 cigarettes-1 pack/day, until one day, in a Dr's office I had to check the Heavy smoker box (for 20/day).  But that did not help me quit smoking, just made me upset about the label I felt on my forehead when I enter that Dr's office.

So many of us here, longtime smokers, are now facing the consequences, in a form or another.  I now know I carry a sclerotic liver along with mini-cysts in the pancreas, both of them have smoking as a high percentage responsibility in the permanent changes.

And it is so hard to face every day, live with the consequences, and not thinking, all of these could have been avoided IF I HAD ONLY QUIT SOONER.

How do we get pass the feeling of guilt?

I did some search here and Thomas' blog below speaks at large about it. 

Now, if I could only absorb, accept, forgive, get passed and start to really enjoy and be proud of the accomplishment: 2 years smoke free and counting...

Let Go of Shame and Guilt 

Daniela-3-11-2016

Fact...not funny

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Mar 28, 2018

Just a fact found while researching small cysts in the pancreas...

 

"It has been approximated that up to 30% of the changes which initiate cancer of the pancreas are caused by smoking"

What is pancreatic cancer? | Metastasis and endocrine tumors 

 

Last week on Friday the washer died on us.  It was a 9 years old on a pedestal, same with the dryer.

We went to Lowe's and the sales person told me as long as I buy the same brand the old pedestal will fit.  I wanted to have the washer at the same level, it is front load, and easy for mom (me too).

 

Delivery on Saturday established the promise made was just that, the old pedestal was narrower than the new machine.  We had paid for pick up of the old stuff, they took everything,  I went to the store and the store manager gave me a good deal on a new pedestal to match the new washer.  It was delivered today, and surprise???  It did not work; the delivery/install guy felt so horrible, he took the pedestal, and left the machine so I can use till this gets resolved. 

 

While he was working on that hubby came home from work with his second flu this season; terrible.  Of course all the stuff with the washer was my fault, he would have purchased the whole thing to replace, but I wanted to use a piece of the machine which had nothing wrong with it, blah, blah, blah.

 

I went back to the store, thinking I'll drop the whole front load deal, and go and purchase an old model of top load and get the difference of my money back, but I called my son who always has good ideas.  He suggested if the washer works, to keep it till they get here (April 9th) and we can decide together.  That made me change my plan, so I decided to just get the money I paid for the pedestal back.  Because the delivery guys did not enter the paperwork in the system, it took about an hour to get the transaction through.

 

I came home, hubby got up from his nap and he is totally miserable.  Went back to the store to buy Tamiflu and some Immunity boost stuff.

 

In between, mom's monthly subscription to the Romanian TV has expired, I always have to send them an email to gain the screen I can use to enter the credit card info.  So I did that after a couple of email exchanges.

 

So here I am, at almost the end of the day, did nothing much but get upset left and right.

But you know what?

The only time I was reminded of smoking is when I came here to speak with you all.  Like right now, deep breaths for me!!!

 

Newbies, I quit 2 years ago, if I were still a smoker, a day like today would have made me have at least 20 cancer sticks against me by now, and the day is not over.

But I know life always happens and as an EX I learned to say NOPE and keep going.

D

Daniela-3-11-2016

Prayers for Trudy

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Mar 24, 2018

Our friend lost her son Matthew today, after a long battle with cancer.  

Trudy you are in our hearts and prayers, and Matthew is in a better place.  May he rest in peace, 

Much love your way.

Daniela-3-11-2016

Happy Birthday Nucka

Posted by Daniela-3-11-2016 Mar 24, 2018

How much we love our 4 legged friends?  As much as family, sometimes more!

We've adopted her from a breeder when she was 14 months; she was the runt of the litter, did not grow up like her brothers and sisters, she barely weighted 1 pound at 6 months.  They could not sell her, but they are nice people and kept her.  But she became the odd ball, running taller with another new litter of puppies when I met her. She came home for the weekend, I wanted to see how she gets along with the cats who have been here many years before her.  But she never left anymore.  As soon as I let her roam through the house, she found the kitty door, used the backyard, came back and owned the house.  She chased the kitties for a little while, but then they eventually learned to split the space.

There she is the first week at her forever home, she was still chewing, but we did not mind, we loved her to pieces.

Then after we bonded, she developed separation anxiety, and was so sad every day when we left for work we felt guilty...and we brought her a little partner.  Here they are, playing, the first day Nello came home.

But you know what, now I had 2 sad puppies every day I had to work, so we decided it is not their fault, but ours

We went for walks together, almost every day, and everybody learned to get along, and wait for me to get home...

Nucka was always the fragile one, for years we gave her drugs to protect her liver, we had some scary nights in ER with dehydration, reaction to vaccines, you name it.

And then in November 2016 we got a death sentence; the vet found a melanoma on her palate, during a routine teeth cleaning procedure.  He removed the tumor and gave us 6 months.  Nucka wasn't even 12 at that time.  I asked for a second opinion, and I was told with treatment (radiation, because chemo is not useful in melanoma), we might extend our time to 6-11 months.  We decided our precious girl will not have to go through that, and we will enjoy the time we have left.

I started researching alternative therapies, and found a vet in California was using Hemp Oil called Charlotte's Web in dogs with cancer; not to beat the tumor, but to enhance the body's natural ability to fight it.  It was hard coming up with the dosage (she now weights 12 pounds), but she's been on it since November of 2016.

You were all praying for us about 3 weeks ago, when she started changing and I though that was it, it was her time to go. But the vet told us the mass is about 5mm (when he removed it in 2016 it was 2cm), and potentially infected.  She took antibiotic for 7 days and she is happy again.

 

Today she is 13, Happy birthday dear Nucka, I can never tell you how much joy you are bringing me every single day, and how precious every minute with you is.  Mama loves you sweet girl!

 

PS My apologies if the blog has nothing to do with quitting smoking, but maybe it does; maybe without the love of my furry baby I would not be where I am today.

 

Some say it takes a village to raise a child. 

It took EX to raise me into a 2 years smober person.

 

Was it hard?  Not as hard as I thought it would be.  Was it easy? I’d lie if I say yes.

It was something I had to do if I wanted to grow old enough to see my grand-kid (if my son would ever decides to give me one).

And then I have people, and furry kids depending on me.

So I had to make a decision, I made it, felt losing my resolve at the end of one month, and then I came here.

And there were many arms to break my fall, and get me back up on my feet, and looking in the right direction.

Guiding me every time my sight was clouded by the addiction, caring, administering a dose of reality, a dose of laugh, or love, every time I needed it.

We’ve lost people here, they were friends, or husbands of friends, and even if there were not family, the loss felt much like it.  Because being here united by the same objective, we become vulnerable, we open up about ourselves, and we know we’ll get the support we need.

We’ve been through fires, and cancers, and surgeries, and heart attacks, and hurricanes, and we learned to get through it all as EX.  I learned here how to be a person without smoking, which I had forgotten over 40 years ago.

 

So if there is something to say for my second quitaversary, it is Thank You for being My Village