~~Perfectionism is very addictive because it is very seductive. It's so great to think "There's a way I can do things whee I can never be held in judgment by other people, that I can totally escape criticism." But it doesn't work.~~ Brene Brown, The Power of Vulnerability
My bout with perfectionism started when I was young. Dysfunctional families birth many perfectionists. But in my case, it really took off after my divorce. My ex told me I would never be a good mother much less a functioning adult. And even family and friends gently suggested I get married because, well, "it's a hard world out there". When people don't believe in you, you can lose faith in yourself as well. Rather than feel vulnerable or show that vulnerability, I dug in and learned how to work my perfectionism with grace and style.
Single mother? No problem, I got this. No job? No problem, I'll get a college degree and get a good job. Balance of family and work? No problem, I'll just do it all because what else is there to do?
And I hid all that vulnerability behind a cloud of smoke. After all, smoking affects the brain is such a way that I could feel good rather than....tired, hurt, upset, crushed, angry, embarrassed, shame. Nicotine truly was my drug of choice because it hid all I didn't want to feel.
Maybe it wasn't like that for you. Maybe you just smoked because it was the cool thing to do. Maybe you smoked because your best friend did or your parents did. But the effects are the same, you know. The 'pleasure' you got from smoking masked any negative emotion you didn't want to feel. Which is why you find it hard to quit now. Those dreaded EMOTIONS!! The stress!! The anger!! The anxiety!! All those things that nicotine took away from us.
I wanted them back. Those negative emotions. The vulnerability of feeling. I wanted them back and so when I quit smoking, I welcomed them. All those things, even the stress and the anger and the anxiety. Because feeling meant I was living while smoking made me feel like I was on the sidelines, watching life pass me by. Not going to lie. Some of those welcomed emotions scared me and overwhelmed me sometimes. But, no, I never thought of hiding them again. I thought of dealing with them and feeling them and limiting their influence on how I behaved and what I thought.
Brene Brown wrote that vulnerability is not weakness, it's our greatest measure of courage. It's living your truth no matter what your truth is for all the world to see. I did that. And I still am. And I still get scared of it sometimes and I still get rejected for it sometimes but I don't think about hiding who I am anymore.
And when you quit and you feel overwhelmed by those dreaded negative emotions, learn to embrace feeling instead. Learn to cope with them. They can't hurt you. That's your addiction talking. Remember that "vulnerability is at the core of meaningful human experiences" and you deserve to have those meaningful experiences.
Btw, I'm not a perfectionist anymore. Haven't been in a long time. It feels so much better to be who I truly am. Flaws, faults, vulnerability and all. I'm good with it.
May your quit be everything you wish it to be and even more!!
