Dancingthrulife_6.4.13

When It Hurts

Blog Post created by Dancingthrulife_6.4.13 on Mar 16, 2020

~~It hurts because it matters.~~  Unknown

 

My family has been going through our 'stuff' recently.  My ex-husband passed away suddenly....wow, first time I even let that out   Tracy died.  And he died without mending his relationship with his kids.  Our kids.  He died without making things right or better.  He died unexpectedly and I knew I'd have to go through my 'stuff', but not until I helped my kids go through theirs.

 

Now, they are all adults, my three children from my marriage.  They are simply amazingly wonderful people   But their father's death hit them sudden and hard.  It hurt me to see them struggle.  It hurt me to see them hurt.  It hurt me to realize all they lost without ever knowing what they may have had.

 

I think that hurt the most.  And then there was the pain of losing the only husband I ever had...the memories that were good as well as those that weren't.  The people we were in our youth with our hopes for our family and our beliefs that everything was good.  

 

So, this is a very emotional time.  And in all that pain is the realization that pain means it mattered.  I'm not going to ignore or mask or cover these emotions through smoking or any other negative coping skill.  I'm just going to feel and to remember that I'm feeling because it matters.  

 

My children and their feelings matter....my ex-husband and all he left undone matters....and I matter.  So I'll hurt and feel it and know that I'll work through it.  Do I want to feel this?  Absolutely, 100% not.  But it's here and I'll deal with it because pain matters as much as those marvelous, joy filled moments that create our beautiful memories.  I hurt because my life with Tracy made me largely who I am. 

 

Now you can smoke because you're stressed and it helps you 'calm down', 'forget', and 'relax''.  You can smoke because you're anxious.  You're hurting.  You're depressed.  You're lonely.

 

But all those feelings are yours for a reason.  They matter.  So feel them and know they matter and then release them.  No need to avoid what is meant for you to feel.  Even negative emotions heal you rather than leave you bleeding when you allow yourself to feel them.  

 

As for me?  I'll end up crying at some point.  For all that didn't happen...for all that did.  And for a man who's choices kept him away from the children he helped create.  

 

You'll be fine, you know, even through those hurtful times...because you remember they matter, too.  

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