~~I used to think the worst thing in life was to end up all alone, it's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people that make you feel all alone.~~ Robin Williams
It's not just Mother's Day. It can be a birthday, Thanksgiving, Christmas. Holidays mean family....and sometimes dysfunction, thoughtlessness, unkindness...emotional pain. Oh, my goodness it can hurt so much to think you aren't worthy of their time or their love. When you know there must be something wrong with you because those who are supposed to love you unconditionally find nothing but fault in who you are.
Of course you are going to feel it and of course it is a devastating, debilitating pain that simply cuts us down and leaves us breathless. And while normally we get on with our lives, its the holidays that bring reminders that we aren't good enough, that we are flawed somehow, and our family whom we would move the world for has once again dismissed us.
We used to smoke through the pain....at least I did. It was a self-fulfilling prophesy in a way. I was punishing myself because I wasn't 'good enough' to fit in with my family.
But then something shifted when I quit smoking. Part of my quit involved learning to love myself....my flaws and faults as well as my talents and skills. I learned how valuable I was as just me and I learned to like who I was. In fact, I liked myself so much I refused to feel worthless anymore. I started speaking up for myself and that included saying things like, "That was harsh. I would never talk to you that way and I don't like it when you talk to me that way" or "I know you wouldn't call me to thank me for the Mother's Day gift but I wanted to make sure you got it. It makes me feel good to treat you well."
I can't change how people treat me....that is a reflection of who they are. But I can change how I respond, I can change how I think about what they say or do, and I can let them know how I feel about how they treat me. Some now treat me better. Some leave me totally alone. And some have smiled and said, "What took you so long, Sheri? You have come into your own."
No one will ever be able to make me smoke. No one will ever make me feel worthless. They can still hurt my feelings, of course, but I will tell them so and then I will love myself better again.
To Nancy and Colleen and Annette and all those lovely people who are hurting today, I am so sorry for your pain. I get it. I hate it for you. And you do not deserve it at all. You truly deserve all the good and the light and the beauty that this world has to give. Maybe this is why you are so good and compassionate and empathic and gentle with others...because you know what it's like to feel less than.
My heart goes out to you. I know you won't smoke but I hope you also won't punish yourself by not shopping or not treating yourself kindly or by not allowing yourself love. You deserve it all. You really, really do.