~~It is in herself she will find the strength she needs.~~ Unknown
Major changes in my life the past month. My home was invaded by two little energizer bunnies and a very, very lost soul. They needed time, attention, boundaries, and love. But so did my wonderfully amazing freshman. And work has been a series of heartbreaking stories of trauma, abuse, and loss.
It was a struggle to get from moment to moment, much less day to day. It was juggling picking kids up after band practice, dropping others off a cheer practice, and sitting in between. It was worrying about making the bills as I was the only one bringing in income. It was phone bills, pull ups, and bigger meals.
I recognized the feelings of being overwhelmed, resentful, and bruised. I used to sit and smoke through those same feelings. I used to hide them as I puffed away, allowing the nicotine to wash all emotions away until I was an empty shell of a smoker.
This time, I didn't think of smoking. But I know how easy it would have been to allow those trigger feelings to take me into a downward spiral. So while I didn't think of smoking, I did think of sinking into the negativity. A danger zone that could have been disasterous.
Instead, I took a week off work. I set some boundaries for my lost soul of a daughter. I worked with the energizer bunnies about schedules, respect, and sharing. And, most of all, I worked on me. Because those negative feelings of being overwhelmed, resentful, and bruised came from me, not them. And I am the only one who could heal them.
So I did. I took the time. I didn't hide behind any addictions. I didn't make excuses. I focused on the uncomfortable in order to adjust my views of myself. My strength lies in me...not in others behaving the way I wished them to behave.
I went to bed last night feeling peaceful. I woke this morning feeling calm. I can do this. I am taking a second job to help make ends meet but it's a job I think I will love. I gave my daughter the gift of allowing her to find her own power as I will not...cannot...fix things for her. But I will be here to support her. And I gave my Jake the gift of knowing he is still my focus no matter how many other people are in the home. He is not only my responsibility but my joy. And I released once again my resentment of being an only parent. It is what it is and I am a lovely only parent. Its the father who is missing out on the true delights in life.
Ok, sorry to ramble on!! Bottom line is that your strength lies within you if you take the time to find it. You do not ever have to numb yourself with nicotine.