~~Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don't resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.~~ Lao Tzu
Last night was hard. I work as a victim's advocate. I am there for the family from the time they enter the Children's Advocacy Center until they no longer are in need of services. Yesterday I worked out of the head office and heard some heartbreaking stories from children who had been sexually abused. I finally got home at 530, looking forward to spending time with Jake and forgetting about the outside world for the night. But I am on-call and got called out at 715pm to hear another heartbreaking story. It was a long night and we didn't even get started on staffing or talking with the family until 830. By 1000pm when the child was telling her story, I was extremely tired, hadn't eaten, was discouraged and a bit heart sick. I knew I would need coffee to make the 45 minute trip home as well. For the first time since I quit, I thought about how I would smoke when I drank coffee because I was tired, hungry, and heart sick.
No, I didn't even entertain the idea of smoking now. I love my quit. But I vividly remembered how nicotine would relax me after a particularily hard day. Correction!! The nicotine was the drug I needed in order to function. I don't need that anymore and don't want it, either.
But, yes, thoughts pop up for most of us. After 1150 days (I believe), it finally happened to me as well. And it goes straight back to what we tell newbies all the time; watch out for HALT! When you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired, your resistance to craving may be weaker. By paying attention and knowing that, you will be aware of what else you can do to keep your quit strong.
Me? I cried for a little bit for all those hurt children. Then I prayed and thanked God that I my children are safe and healthy. Then I turned up the tunes (Rod Stewart's Great American Song Book) and sang along!!
I continue to take good care of me. But part of my life is filled with ugly and pain and hot emotions. By accepting that, I learn daily how to better deal with it and still find all the beauty, joy, and laughter that life has to offer, because all those things are there as well.
TFIG, all!! (Thank God I'm Fabulous!!)